PARENtEEN

Facebook profiles affect job opportunities

2011-04-19T12:53:00.000-05:00

I came across this article today and thought it was worth sharing, since many of you have children who are of college age. I will add that Facebook profiles also affect college applications and scholarships, as well as part-time jobs while in high school. Colleges and employers do look at Facebook profiles!

Facebook Misuse Can

Often Kill Careers!

A Facebook Faux Pas Can Lead

to a Long Job Search

By Larry Chiagouris, Ph.D.

NEW YORK, NY, April 20, 2011 -- More than 75% of college students may be using Facebook in a way that will damage their opportunities for a job after they graduate. In a recent research study I conducted at Pace University examining college students' use of Facebook, several examples of unprofessional postings were reported by students compiling a sample of 100 colleges and universities in the United States. Researchers noted that male students are more likely to post a "Facebook Faux Pas" than female students.

The research revealed that several key features of Facebook were found to display information -- text or photos -- that if not carefully thought through, could convey an image orcharacter traits that most employers do not want in a prospective employee.

The researchers examined the primary photos that students use as their identity, a sample of other photos in their album, status updates, organizations that they belong to, and events that they are encouraging others to attend. The findings revealed that 76% of the students had something that an employer might find offensive. The study did not look at all the material on the students' sites and did not include an examination of the photos of friends, which can be an issue for some people. Based on these factors, the 76% number is probably on the low side of problem material likely to be found on college students' Facebook pages.

Recruitment experts agree that the use of Facebook should be done in a way that protects the user. According to Nicole Haltses, Director of Recruitment at Merit Personnel, "Employers consider Facebook an employment tool, and inappropriate material could therefore be a red flag to them. I have experienced a situation where a candidate's job offer was rescinded when the potential employer saw, and strongly disapproved of, what they perceived as a distasteful Facebook page. Use common sense when deciphering what personal information you want the world to see."

Summary of Overall Findings

College Student Profiles on Facebook:

Facebook Levels of Appropriateness*

76% of all Facebook profiles were judged inappropriate and may cost a student a job opportunity!

*Sample based on 400 college students' Facebook profiles.

Tips for Facebook Users on Protecting Their Image

-- Especially in Relation to Job Searches

· Remove all material -- particularly photos and status updates -- that does not present you in a professional manner.

· Check your security settings to confirm that no one other than your friends can access information that you prefer to keep private. Recheck these settings often because privacy policies at Facebook may change and impact your settings.

· Search yourself on all major search engines (such asGoogle) to identify information about you that appears in the results.

· Consider maintaining your Facebook pages under a name or nickname that you provide only to your friends and other people that you trust. This will make it more difficult for others to find you on Facebook unless you want to be found.

· Arrange for a Google alert based on your name. You may find that others are posting material about you that you need to request be removed.

· Ask your friends to remove photos of you that are a problem.

Dr. Larry Chiagouris is a full-time faculty member of Pace University and the author of The Secret to Getting a Job after College: Marketing Tactics to Turn Degrees into Dollars (Brand New World Publishing). He has appeared on Today Show and Fox News, been quoted in The Wall Street Journal. He has authored more than 50 articles and books. Learn more at www.larrychiagouris.com.

Christian website for gamers

2011-03-31T11:19:00.000-05:00

I've been waiting a long time for someone to develop a site like this. It's a Christian online community for gamers, but it goes way beyond that. The folks behind this site are dedicated to sharing the Gospel with the world, especially those who love to play video games! If you have teens into gaming, encourage them to check this out:

3 Day Respawn

Things you should never do on Facebook!

2011-03-31T07:06:00.002-05:00

Here is some friendly advice to help you maintain your relationships with your teenagers when it comes to social media.

8 Things Parents of Teens Should Never Do on Facebook

Modeling Christ in a blended family

2010-10-22T10:40:00.002-05:00

I received a Facebook message requesting this article, written by my husband a few years ago. I hope this is helpful to anyone trying to navigate the twists and turns of a blended family.

YOURS, MINE, AND OURS

Modeling Christ in a blended family

By Dan Grant

Picture this: Two high school sweethearts bump into each other 25 years after graduation. Both are widowed and have children. The old spark is renewed, and they quickly decide to get married. They move into a large house with all the children. What ensues is not exactly what the newlyweds envisioned. The kids are not happy about having a new stepparent or sharing rooms with new siblings who have been raised with very different parenting styles.

You may recognize the storyline from the movie, “Yours, Mine, and Ours.” On the other hand, you may recognize it from your own life.

Historically, blended families were uncommon, and were most often the result of a widowed spouse who remarried. Today, with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, there may be as many as 15 million stepchildren under the age of 18 in the United States. It is estimated more than a third of all children will spend some part of their lives in a stepfamily.

As if family life isn’t demanding enough, blending families brings a new assortment of challenges. I have personally experienced many trials as the head of my own blended family, and it continues to be a learning process.

I met my wife during the college years. We began a friendship that endured many years and miles of separation. During that time, she married and had two children. After her marriage ended in divorce, our friendship grew to romance, and we married in September 1993. Her son was seven years old, and her daughter had just turned three.

In retrospect, my expectations entering marriage and becoming a stepparent were pretty unrealistic. I figured the kids would be calling me “Dad” within the first six months to a year. Their biological father would still be in the picture, but they would look to me as their “father figure.” After all, I was such a great guy! I made good money, I would be married to their mother, and of course, I was a Christian. What more could they ask for? In looking back, I could not have been more wrong.

Stepparents can indeed have an incredible impact on children’s lives. They can be a role model, spiritual leader, and a second mom or dad. They can be used by God to bring about good in the midst of a bad situation. In order to accomplish these goals, we need a defined view of the stepparent’s role within the blended family.

First, let’s take a look at how we got here. Blended families are the result of primarily three things: poor choices, shortsighted decisions, and major life shifts. Plainly said, sin is the mode of transportation that carries us into these family situations.

Divorce (Malachi 2:13-16; Matthew 9:3-9)

God hates divorce. Before He says that (Malachi 2:16), He gives some reasons why. He explains that the inevitable tears that follow divorce reflect a broken faith, not only with our spouse, but also with God.

The broken marriage covenant can also cause spiritual damage to the children. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.” (Malachi 2:15a) God’s desire is to see our children raised in the ways of the Lord. Obviously, divorce makes that much more difficult.

So, why then, did God allow divorce at all? Jesus explained, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” (Matthew 9:8) God wanted to use the consequences of divorce to soften those rock solid hearts.

Still, Jesus warned divorce could lead to additional sin. “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 9:8-9)

Sex outside of marriage (Exodus 20:14,Romans 1:21-32)

Yes, despite what the movies, TV, the government, and many of our neighbors and friends say, sex outside of marriage is a sin. “Do not commit adultery” is one of the Ten Commandments!

The culture we live in has decided extramarital sex (including homosexuality) is now acceptable, as long as you participate “safely”. The world has “exchanged the truth of God for a lie,” and God has given them over “in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.” (Romans 1:24-25)

Paul warned us sexual sin could lead to even more corruption, including envy, murder, deceit, malice, gossip, slander, insolence, arrogance, disobedience to parents, and hating God. We become “senseless, faithless, heartless and ruthless.” (Romans 1:31)

In this numbed state, we apparently forget how serious God is about promiscuity. Adultery was actually punishable by death in the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 22:21-24). “Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.” (Romans 1:32)

Death (Genesis 3:22-24, Deuteronomy 25:5-10)

We were created to live forever in the presence of God, but because of sin, we were banished from the Garden of Eden. We were separated from God, and death became a reality.

Even though we brought death on ourselves, God tried to keep families in tact as much as possible. If a man died before fathering any children, his brother was commanded to marry the widow and have children for him. In fact, if the brother-in-law refused, the widow was to “go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face, and say, ‘This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.’” (Deuteronomy 25:9)

This journey of sin has brought us to this place, and now we must learn to deal with the circumstances. A blended family will face far more points of potential conflict than a traditional family. These may include:

- Natural parents vs. stepparents

- Children from your original marriage or former relationships

- Children from your current spouse’s former relationships

- Children from your ex-spouse’s new relationship

- Children from your ex-spouse’s new spouse’s former relationships

In addition, the authority structure becomes a muddle. Who prevails when there is a conflict or disagreement between the slews of potential parental figures?

Every blended family will experience its own unique set of trials along the way. However, there are certain obstacles that can be avoided by any stepparent.

Leave the competitive drive on the field or at the office. (Jeremiah 9:23-24, 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, Psalm 12:2-4)

These are children, not a trophy. You are not in competition with their natural mother or father. Furthermore, this is a battle you cannot win! An old acquaintance once told me “The kids will figure it out. You do not have to tell them.” There is no need to point out to them how great you are in comparison to their natural parent.

No matter what has happened in the past, that person is still their mother or father. No ifs, ands or buts! There are many examples of parents doing unspeakable things and their children still have a bond, allegiance, and love for them. I believe God places a bond between a child and their parents that man cannot duplicate or create. The more we try, the more messed up things become.

For various reasons, you or your spouse may give the impression you are “replacing” their natural parent. Whether intentional or unintentional, this is wrong! One way we do this is by comparing ourselves to them, in a way that portrays ourselves favorably. For example:

1. I make more money

2. I am a Christian and they are not, or a “better Christian” (whatever that means!)

3. I am physically more attractive/athletic

4. I have a better job

5. Your mom or dad chose me over the other parent

In other words, I AM BETTER THEN THEM!

In some cases, this may be true, but it is all relative. Better compared to what? Who are we comparing ourselves to?

“This is what the Lord says: ‘Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,’ declares the Lord.” (Jeremiah 9:23-24)

After all, our decency comes only from the Lord. “It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: ‘Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.’" (1 Corinthians 1:30-31)

Playing the comparison game does nothing but build us up with false pride. It will not strengthen relationships with children, spouses, and most importantly, our relationship with Christ. When you are tempted to blow your own horn, ask yourself these questions:

1. Who will benefit by what I am saying?

2. Is Christ glorified?

3. Is my relationship with my spouse strengthened?

4. Does this encourage and support my children?

Evaluate whether these comparisons help or hinder you in accomplishing the following goals:

1. To positively impact your stepchildren’s lives

2. To be a role model, spiritual leader, and a second mom or dad

3. To be used by God to take a bad situation and bring good from it

Lift up and/or support “the ex” when possible and appropriate (1 Thessalonians 5:10-12, Hebrews 3:12-14, Hebrews 10:25)

Now that you’re done with puffing yourself up, it’s time to look in a new direction. How do you speak to the ex-spouse? How often do you look for opportunities to lift up your child’s natural parent?

Many times, we are looking to do the opposite. We look for ways to “keep them down.” This often just further confuses the children, and we end up with more problems that we started with. It encourages competition between the natural parent and the stepparent, which in turn drives a wedge between you and your child. Then you have given them one more reason to dislike their new stepparent.

Why do we do this? Does it justify our decision to divorce and remarry? Are we trying to help a new spouse assume the role of “father” or “mother” to take the place of the natural parent? Do we want our feelings of hate and disappointment transferred to the children? Once again, our true desire should be to accomplish the goals we set.

God’s Word instructs us to encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). When we do that daily, it prevents both us and “the ex” from being hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Hebrews 3:13). In other words, we won’t believe the lie that the bitterness is just something we will always have to live with.

Building up “the ex” may be very difficult to do in some cases. Ask God to show you positive things about the natural parent. Perhaps they financially support their children or are faithful to remember important days in a child’s life. Maybe they are making positive changes in their lives.

Pray and forgive the natural parent (Psalm 35:12-14, Exodus 23:4-5, Proverbs 24:17, Proverbs 24:29, Proverbs 25:21, 2 Corinthians 2:5-11, Matthew 6:14-15)

I know many people are hurting and have not forgiven the other parent. Even though that person may continue to be a thorn in your side (Psalm 35:12-14), God has commanded you to forgive them, or you will not be forgiven. (Matthew 6:14-15) If you have not done this before getting married, you are just bringing all the old baggage into this new relationship. All the leftover emotion will in turn affect your marriage.

Resist the idea to respond in revenge. “Do not say, ‘I’ll do to him as he has done to me; I’ll pay that man back for what he did.’” (Proverbs 24:29) Instead, begin to pray for them. When you pray for someone, it becomes increasingly difficult to hold on to those feelings of hate, hurt, and bitterness.

Pray for:

1. Their salvation if they are not saved.

2. For their new spouse and/or family if they are remarried.

3. For their relationship with the children.

4. Forgiveness and reconciliation in your relationship with them

If things turn sour between the natural parent and the children, do your best to restore the relationship. "If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, be sure to take it back to him. If you see the donkey of someone who hates you fallen down under its load, do not leave it there; be sure you help him with it.” (Exodus 23:4-5) If you find yourself enjoying the fact that the other parent is having difficulties, confess it and check your attitude (Proverbs 24:17).

So, where do you fit in? As a stepparent, keep your focus simple and pure:

1. Love your spouse; model God’s love and provide him/her with the security that you are not going anywhere.

2. Love the children as your own.

3. Raise them in a Christian home; share and model Christ for them.

4. Help provide for the children’s physical needs

5. Provide a safe environment

Your goal should not be to replace their natural parent. Over time, a child may welcome you into their lives as “Dad or Mom”, but that is their choice, not yours.

Finally, keep your expectations realistic. Life is not “The Brady Bunch” or any other Hollywood scenario. Most days in a blended family will not be neatly wrapped up and tied with a bow. The most spectacular reality, though, is that God is still sovereign over it all. He is “the author and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2) and of our families.

Having "the talk" with girls about romance

2010-07-10T23:54:00.005-05:00

Hardly a day goes by that I don't see research or yet another article reminding me to talk to my teenager about sex.

I have yet to see an article suggesting I talk to my daughter about romance.

When I was her age (13), I was not very interested in sex. But I was definitely interested in romance. My mind played a thousand scenarios a day of various boyfriends. They would say the sweetest things to me, look lovingly into my eyes, and hold me in just the right way. These imaginary lovers never pressured me to have sex. They just LOVED me. And let's face it, that's what most females want: to be loved.

My desire to be loved was only fueled by soap operas (daytime and nighttime) and romance novels. My own mother never saw anything wrong with these things; she indulged in them herself. Maybe they weren't dangerous for her. But they drove me into a fantasy world where no real-life man could compete. I began to set expectations that were unrealistic, without even realizing it.

I can honestly say, those mind games were a large factor in ruining my first marriage, which happened at a young age. Eventually, I grew up and learned what was real, but I still grieved for that which might never be.

So I am here today to tell you, before you ever have the sex talk with your daughter, have the romance talk first. If you watch romantic movies or shows together, help her distinguish between what is realistic and what is not. Help her understand what men are really like, putting aside any personal vendettas. Show her what she should expect realistically, and what is merely fantasy.

Someday, you'll still need to have the sex talk. But this will go a long way for now.

Girls more likely to use alcohol/drugs to cope

2010-07-02T14:41:00.002-05:00

"She's so moody! Must be hormones." I hear this a lot from parents of teen girls. Yes, young ladies can be all over the map emotionally, but there is usually more to the story than a raging case of PMS. Coming of age is a bit like standing at the edge of a cliff on your tiptoes; one stiff wind and you don't know which way you might be blown. Girls need parents standing between them and that cliff. And this latest research cautions us to be more vigilant than ever.

I'll post the links below, but here's the summation: teenage girls are more likely than teenage boys to perceive potential benefits from drug use and drinking, making teen girls more vulnerable to drug and alcohol abuse. More than two-thirds of teen girls responded positively to the question “using drugs helps kids deal with problems at home” and more than half reported that drugs help teens forget their troubles. Stress has been identified as a key factor leading to drinking, smoking and drug use among girls and more than three times as many young girls as boys reported having symptoms of depression in 2008.

"We've become a society that basically says, 'If things aren't perfect in your life, take a pill,' " says Calvina Fay, executive director of the Drug Free America Foundation. "This causes our young people to see drugs as an answer."

“Parents of teen girls have to be especially attentive to their daughters’ moods and mental health needs, which can have a direct effect on their child’s decision to risk her health by getting high and drinking,” said Partnership for a Drug-Free America President and CEO Steve Pasierb. “Parents can help prevent alcohol and drug abuse by recognizing and addressing their daughters’ worries and stresses, by supporting her positive decisions and by taking immediate action if they suspect or know she has been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.”

Here's what you can do:

1) Spend time with your daughter. The more you get to know her, the more in tune you will be with her moods and emotions.

2) Teach her how to handle emotionally-charged situations in a way that honors God. Moms, that means setting a good example!

3) Pray together during those highly moody times. This teaches her to give it to God. Remind her that emotions are temporary and not always accurate indicators of truth.

4) Have an ongoing conversation at your house about the rules and consequences of drug/alcohol use. This should include talking about how dangerous it can be to use drugs or alcohol as an escape from problems.

5) Ask God daily to protect your daughter from temptations.

Teen girls say kids more likely to drink, do drugs to cope

National Study: New Data Show Teen Girls More Likely to See Benefits in Drug and Alcohol Use

Redeeming the influence of Grandma

2010-06-29T09:42:00.001-05:00

“For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.” Colossians 2:9-10

Summer has a way of stirring up childhood memories for me, as if the piercing sunlight illuminates those pockets of recollection.

The cool and bright morning today found me recalling many wonderful summer weeks spent with my grandmother. My grandma was not your typical grandma. She was feisty, fun, and full of life.

No one could make me laugh like Grandma Jess. I can still hear her throaty laugh, often accompanied by a coughing fit (that’s what half a century of smoking will do to you). She couldn’t wait to get the grandkids without their parents so she could show us a good time. All the things we not allowed to do at home, Grandma made sure we got to do at her house. In order to spare my mother, I won’t list them all here...though I suspect she knows anyway!

You see, I grew up in a fairly strict Christian home. Grandma, though I know she believed in God, did not buy into religion or moral law. She was a rule breaker. She grew up in the rural Midwest on a farm. She married young, and she and Grandpa both partied hard. Smoking, drinking, swearing, fighting and cheating. This was in the 1920’s and 1930’s, when such behavior was considered quite scandalous.

Grandma eventually left Grandpa, taking their two children and moving to Omaha. She quit drinking but still lived a pretty wild life for awhile. Years later, she married a military man and lived in several places around the world, but ended up settled back in Omaha.

Her past shaped her into a tough woman, and most people were afraid to cross her. But as fierce as her temper could be, her love was just as intense. You always knew Grandma loved you. When she talked to you, she was genuinely interested in your life, your hopes and dreams. She gave fervent hugs; to this day, I still associate the smells of Tabu and cigarette smoke with being held in her arms.

Until her health declined, she still knew how to have a good time. She could find humor in almost anything, usually by making fun of it. I remember going for walks or laying in bed at night, and all we did was laugh.

Looking back now, I’m somewhat amazed my parents even allowed me to hang out with her. Let’s face it, she wasn’t exactly a godly influence! But I’m so glad they did, because I’m pretty sure she cultivated some good character traits in me. I believe my ability to connect with teenagers grew out of my relationship with Grandma. I think I learned to love people in spite of their bad behavior through knowing Grandma. And I know without a doubt that she taught me how to loosen up and have fun.

Reflecting on all of this reminds me that I don’t have to be so protective of my children. God redeemed what appeared to be profane and turned it into something beautiful. He did it in my life, and He can do it in my children’s lives too.

Sex Talk: I Agree With Kim Cattrall?

2010-06-23T10:26:00.002-05:00

I agree with Kim Cattrall. There's a statement I never thought I'd make. Even more surprising, I agree with something she said about sex.

In an interview with the Telegraph, the actress reportedly said that her show "Sex And The City" helps parents find a way to broach the topic of sex with their teenagers. And I agree.

Now before you get upset and send me hate mail, let me explain. I'm not suggesting you encourage your teens to watch SATC just so you can have a conversation about sex. However, let's face it, many of them have seen the show and/or the movies. If your teen has, it is indeed a great way to open up the topic of sex. In particular, it's a great way to illustrate the pitfalls of not following God's plan in the area of sexuality. The women of SATC have been pursuing a lifestyle of casual, unmarried sex for...how many years? And where has it gotten them? Most of the time they are miserable and angst-ridden, and that depiction is at least true-to-life.

Shows like SATC can actually open dialogue about ways to deal with living counter to the secular world. Most Christian teens want to be "in the world, not of it," but we can never assume they know how to do that.

As Christians, we spend an awful lot of time complaining about the culture. I say it's time we use it to our advantage.

How dads show their love - and how they can do it better

2010-06-15T22:49:00.001-05:00

I'll never forget my first car - a yellow Volkswagen bug without working heat. I got it in college (yes, that's right, in the days when turning 16 didn't mean you were entitled to receive a car!). It wasn't much, but it got me from point A to point B.

After I got the car, every time I would call home, I got frustrated with my dad because all he wanted to talk about was the car. He wanted to know if it was running ok, if I had changed the oil and checked the tire pressure, and if I had shopped around for the best insurance. I began to think he cared more about the car than he did about me!

Years later, someone explained to me that this is one way fathers express their love for their children. When a dad asks about your car, he's really saying, "I love you and want to make sure you are safe and taken care of."

After reading the article below, I believe this is another way dads express their love - through teaching. Dads love to share their wisdom and their greatest parenting successes are often wrapped up in a skill they've taught their child.

Just like I got frustrated with my dad, many kids get frustrated over being "taught" by their fathers. They don't understand the love behind the action, and they desire to be loved for who they are, not who they might become.

If any teens are reading this, I hope you will give your dads a huge dose of grace by realizing their actions are motivated by love. Dads, you are important and needed, and I hope this article helps you focus on enjoying your child, just as he or she is.

Does Everything Have to Be a Learning Experience?

How to protect your kids from revealing their location on social networks

2010-06-14T11:18:00.000-05:00

Locational Apps: Tips for Parents

Helping our daughters discern the truth about beauty

2010-06-10T12:57:00.000-05:00

A great friend sent me the link to this fabulous blog post entitled, "Who Is the Beholder of Your Beauty?"

Those of us with daughters are constantly battling society's messages in regards to physical beauty, and it is so important to help our girls grow up with a God-centered view of themselves. The author eloquently points her daughter in the right direction, while rightly admitting how difficult that can be in the light of self-examination!

Social networks that are not for kids

2010-02-09T09:41:00.002-06:00

Just came across this excellent link to Common Sense Media's review of some newer social networks that present a potential danger to teens and pre-teens.

From the article:

"New programs called social mapping applications use geographic information to connect people to specific places, as well as to each other. You may have heard of some of the most popular ones: Loopt, foursquare, and Gowalla. Once you join up, these applications track every movement you make. And that's what makes social mapping a no-go for kids and teens. These programs bring up two big issues: safety and privacy. Since they follow your location, they expose your kid's whereabouts to anyone they "friend" -- or, in some cases, to any other user of the program."

For the full article, click here: Beyond Facebook: Social Networking Gets Really Personal

Consequences of a moral fall...for teens

2010-01-01T22:05:00.002-06:00

I am very excited to post an article co-written by my former pastor and good friend, Dr. David Holt. This one is worth printing off for your teens. :)

Consequences of a moral fall … for teens

Dr. David Holt & Lisa Grant

Recently I (David) put Randy Alcorn’s article from an old Leadership magazine titled “Consequences of a Moral Fall” on my blog. In this article, Alcorn gives a long list of possible consequences if he were to have an affair. He said he found it helpful to review this list any time he felt particularly vulnerable or tempted to sin.

After reading my blog, Lisa Grant (who has her own blog for parents of teens) asked if I knew of such a list for teens who struggle with sexual temptation. I told her I did not, but we should come up with one together. Thus, this blog that Lisa and I are writing together.

************************************************************

Every day, teens must manage the transition from childhood impulsivity to adult self-control. Raging hormones and societal or peer pressure only add fuel to the fire in the area of sexual temptation.

When I (Lisa) counsel young Christian women, I advise them to develop a list of standards before they begin dating. This might include situations to avoid, how far they will go, and how they plan to keep themselves accountable. The list below would be additionally helpful to carry on a date, serving as reminders of the potential fallout of giving in to temptation.

CONSQUENCES OF SEXUAL SIN FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

If I have premarital sex or go too far with someone, here are some possible consequences of that act:

1. Possible pregnancy and all the responsibilities that come with having a child, as well as possibly affecting my future education and career.

2. Experiencing a guilty conscience.

3. Weight of responsibility for causing another to sin.

4. Having a difficult time erasing the sin from my memory. God forgives and forgets my sin, but I will never forget.

5. Developing a “soul tie” (an unhealthy emotional and spiritual attachment) with the person I am intimate with. It’s like giving away a piece of my heart, and I will never get it back.

6. The danger of giving myself to someone who has not made a life-long commitment to me.

7. Probably needing to tell my future spouse at the time of engagement and the embarrassment that comes from this.

8. The possibility of acquiring a sexually transmitted disease, which, if not cured, could be passed on to anyone else I have relations with, including my future spouse. Remember, when I have sex with someone, it is as if I am having sex with everyone they have had sex with.

9. The loss of a special wedding night.

10. Once married, the regret that I was with someone other than my spouse.

11. The poor example and possible cause of hindrance to all my friends who learn about this. There may even be a loss of friendships.

12. Causing disappointment and shame to my parents, as well as loss of trust.

13. Damaging my credibility with younger siblings or others who look up to me.

14. Loss of dignity and regard for self.

15. Most importantly, it will hinder my relationship with God – as all sin does.

Let us be very clear - if you have already fallen into sexual sin, there is forgiveness and healing available through the blood of Jesus Christ. He, and He alone, can cleanse at the deepest level. “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sin and to cleanse of all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). “He who conceals his sin shall not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes it shall find mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

There will still be consequences for your sin, but your relationship with God can be fully restored, and you can be given a fresh start. Often, it is additionally helpful to share your struggle with a trusted friend who can help you through the healing process. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Finally, as you seek to move beyond your sin, remember that you cannot do it in your own power. You need to be filled with the Holy Spirit each and every day if you want to live in obedience to God and resist the many temptations that will come your way.

May God bless you as you remain in the one true love, the love of Jesus Christ.

Confused by teen or pre-teen daughter?

2009-12-17T11:17:00.002-06:00

"I just do not understand girls." I hear this mostly from dads, but occasionally moms are also confused by what their daughters are thinking or feeling. And usually with teen or pre-teen girls, it is ALL about what they are feeling!

I came across this great website recently, which is a wonderful resource for anyone with daughters age 8 and up: Discover Your Daughter. This is not a Christian website, but I have not seen anything inappropriate or counter to Christian beliefs on the site. It has great articles for you and for your daughter as well.

For dads, I also highly recommend the book, What I Wish You Knew from American Girl. Moms, a must read is Mom, I Hate My Life by Sharon Hersh.

Finally, I am re-posting below the most requested article from PARENtEEN over the years, "Raising Junior High Girls." It's long, but worth the read!

RAISING JUNIOR HIGH GIRLS

Heather Flies knows junior high girls! Not only was she once one, but she has spent several years working with them as a youth leader and now as a junior high youth pastor. Heather is the junior high youth pastor at Wooddale Church in Eden Prairie, MN. She is also a member of The Core (Youth Specialties) training team.

Here's the transcript of the conversation with Heather...

Talk to us about your history of working with junior high girls.

Actually, my experience with junior high girls started when I was just out of junior high myself. After I had finished the 9th grade, I went up to a camp in northern Minnesota to be a counselor-in-training for the week. It was a camp that I had gone to all of my life, but when I got up there they were short on counselors. Because they knew me, they put me into a cabin with eleven 11-year olds for the entire week. So, there I was, at fourteen, with eleven 11-year olds for a full week. I loved it, and I apparently did a great job and continued to go back there every summer all the way through my college years. During my college years, I was full time there.

It seemed that every time a junior high week rolled around, it was my favorite week of the summer; I just loved junior high girls. I actually went to another church after that experience where I worked with senior high girls and I enjoyed that, too, but what I found was that a lot of the senior high girls had built some walls up around their hearts and were carrying some baggage from decisions made earlier on and they were a little harder to get to than junior high girls. When I came to Wooddale about six years ago and began to work with junior high girls again, my heart slid right into place where it was before, and I have been doing that for the last six years. I just really enjoy it.

How would you best describe junior high girls? What words or phrases would you use?

I think they're definitely sincere, insecure, searching, social, becoming self aware, competitive, exclusive, hungry for affection, energetic, and they're very relational.

During the junior high years, for girls especially, friends are so important - whether through phone conversations, sleepovers, or passing notes between classes. All of my junior high girls love pictures; they bring picture albums with them to our Wednesday night meetings to show everybody, and they have pictures all over their rooms. Sometimes their friends actually define who they are and where they are in their social status. The social piece is so important for junior high girls.

As far as being hungry for affection, I just see that junior high girls want hugs; they want touching. They love it when I braid their hair, they love it when I hug them (and I consider myself a professional hugger, so it's perfect for that!). They love attention, and it's not just the kids who come from a home where that's not given to them. I have one girl in my group who comes from a very solid home where mom and dad both love her and show that love continuously, but every Wednesday and every Sunday she comes to find me for her weekly hug. It's just kind of a standard, and if she doesn't get it, she's pretty upset the next week when she comes to find me. They love to be paid attention to and to have undivided attention from adults; it's really important.

As far as becoming self aware and being insecure...there are so many challenges as a junior high girl and so many changes that are going on inside of them and around them that they just begin to be aware of their insecurities, the ways they struggle, things they're not too confident about, and they begin to take things very personally. Often times that goes hand in hand with the insecurity. If they are ignored by a friend or if a parent reprimands them or something happens in a class setting, they just take it so personally and have a really hard time getting past that insult or harsh word.

Talk about the changes that a girl goes through socially and emotionally from the ages of about eleven to thirteen. Help parents know what to expect.

I minister to seventh through ninth graders, so I get them in those three years where so many changes are going on. I think before we even touch on the social and emotional aspects, we've got to touch on the physical. Between the ages of eleven and thirteen, so many physical changes are happening that are directly related to the emotional and social changes for a girl. Physically, their hips begin to expand, their breasts begin to develop, they start to get taller than the guys in their class, they have hormones running through them, and menstruation starts during that time. So, here they are with all of these things changing in their bodies that are very visible to other people - it's not just internal stuff - and I think because of that a lot of social and emotional changes come out of that.

Socially, some of the girls are developing and being noticed by boys and others are not, so for some girls that's a really crazy thought that a guy is going to notice her because of how she looks. For others, it's a saddening thought wondering why guys don't pay attention to them anymore. Also, I think there is a constant connection with friends and it begins to become very enmeshed. Girls will share every moment of their day with their friends. They will call each other in the morning to find out what they're going to wear and try to match their clothes or not match their clothes. The relationships just become so important in that social aspect.

Emotionally, because of all those chemicals and hormones running through them, sometimes junior high girls can be very irrational, and when you try to have a conversation they surprise you with where they go or how emotional they get. They cry very easily and like I said, they take everything so personally. They often find themselves in extremes; either they're very, very hyper, or they're incredibly down. It can be in a matter of fifteen minutes that that changes! For parents, I understand that it has to be so frustrating, but all of this is really natural and obviously essential for girls to go through.

Talk to dads of junior high girls on the importance of remaining affectionate with their daughters even when it feels awkward. Girls need their dad's affection more than ever at this age, don't they?

That's right; it's so important. Research and my ministry experience show that girls who have steady, close, and affectionate relationships with their dad will then have healthy, steady relationships with guys - whether in friendships or dating relationships in their future. When dads continue affection throughout the life of a girl and especially throughout her adolescent years, he begins to fill her emotional tank, her affection tank. If it doesn't get filled at home, the girls will go other places to get it filled.

Even though it's uncomfortable and a little awkward, I really want to encourage dads that girls need it and even if they don't vocalize it, they want it. If you, as a parent, consistently show that affection to your daughter, that's not going to be something that's rare or something that she's going to need to go out to look for in somebody else.

As far as some practical advice there, I would say to be consistent. If one of your routines with your daughter was to go in and sit with her on her bed at night, continue to do that even when she is an adolescent - even though you might not be sure where to sit, how long to stay in there, or what to talk about. It just provides a consistency that is so important in a time in her life when nothing else seems to be consistent. Be sensitive to her nonverbals and to her verbals. If she pulls away, be sensitive to that and maybe don't hug her in that setting (maybe when friends are around or in a public place). Be sensitive to that.

Also, don't take things personally; this is a very natural developmental stage that your daughter is going through. She's trying to figure out her independence from you, and sometimes she's not sure. Sometimes she wants to crawl on your lap and have you hug her and hold her, and other times she wants you to walk four feet behind her in the mall, so don't take it personally.

The last thing is to take every moment you can get with your daughter; even if it happens late at night when she comes home from being out with friends (and the last thing you want to do is hear about makeup or a boy!). When she comes and jumps on your bed or says, "Hey, can we talk?" drop whatever you're doing because it's so important. There are going to be times where that becomes less and less, and you're going to wish you had taken the time to listen.

A lot of parents struggle with how to stay close to their junior higher because she strongly desires to be with her friends and not with her family. What can a parent do to stay connected with their junior high daughter when she's got her eyes pointed outward?

Understand that it's natural that she wants to be with her friends, and don't take it personally. Be involved in her activities outside of the home whether it be the color guard competition, chess club, choir, or cheerleading. It's so important for parents to be religiously involved in her activities outside of the home because it helps her to understand that things that are important to her are also important to her parents.

I also think it is essential for parents to open their home to the friends of their daughter. Girls love to be together and they love to have a place to be together. I remember having other friends who opened their home. I loved to be there. We had a lot of interaction with the parents, and the parents got to know us. I know that sometimes it gets really loud and crazy, and you want them to turn the television down and close the nail polish, but you are going to be so thankful that you had that activity in your home and that you were able to get to know your daughter's friends.

Also, listen during carpool conversations. That's my favorite thing to do when I drive the bus as part of my ministry. I love to listen in on conversations that are going on, because you can get to know a lot about the girls and about their friends through that. Ask questions; I know there are some parents whose kids say they ask too many questions, but when you ask questions you're showing that you care and that you want to be involved.

I would reiterate again to be available when the girls want to talk. I have one girl in my ministry whose name is Krista, and she loves to talk. Sometimes when she talks, I'm not quite sure what she's talking about, but I listen. I give her my attention, because I know that someday she's going to come with something that's going to be hard to talk about. She's going to want to know that I'm going to listen to her.

Staying connected with your daughter also means explaining that freedom is a privilege and is given when kids are responsible and consistent in their behavior. I think it's important to set consistent family times where your family is together. Take the time to explain the importance of that to your daughter. Make those times fun so that your daughter wants to be there. I think holding that standard in your family is an important part of the week and an important part of your life together.

What advice can you give to parents on how much to allow and where to draw the line when it comes to their daughters being on the phone and the computer?

In my ministry to families, I've seen a great deal of success when parents use the phone and the e-mail privilege as rewards for homework and chores being done. I think it encourages priorities and it serves as a privilege to the responsible and consistent child. I guess if you have a child who doesn't come home with much homework or the chores get done really quickly, then it would be important to set a time limit whether it's something like three phone conversations per evening or being on the Internet for one hour. Set that boundary because the truth is if no boundaries are set, kids would go until 2:00 a.m. or 3:00 a.m. interacting with people on the phone or via the computer!

I think there's the same idea with sleepovers and outings with friends. If your child handles responsibility well, if they call and tell you they're going to be somewhere, or they're not cranky after a sleepover and they can actually handle the day that's going on, then I think it's a healthy thing and you can allow them to do sleepovers and be out with friends because you're seeing a responsibility there. This really means that parents need to be attentive to the behavior of their child, their child's friends, the movies they're seeing, and so on.

Let me mention the latest trend among junior high and high school students: coed sleepovers. They're a huge rage in our part of the country, and I heard of a situation a couple of months ago where a coed sleepover was going to be happening with some younger high school students. One of the moms called over to the house to just say, "Tell me what's going on and what kind of supervision there's going to be" and the mom of the home said, "You know, you're the only parent that has called out of 40 parents. You're the only one who was intentional enough to ask some questions about what was going to be going on." As a result, she chose not to allow her daughter to go, which I'm very thankful for. As parents, you need to take the time to figure out what your daughter is involved in and make sure that she's being responsible.

The whole idea of a coed sleepover scares me to death as a parent!

It's becoming rampant. It scares me because of the intimacy that is being lost. Kids say to me, "Heather, we're not doing anything physical or sexual," but anybody who is married knows that there is an intimacy that comes out of waking up next to somebody or seeing somebody in their pajamas or having breakfast together. There's an intimacy there, and those kids are experiencing that at age 15. It really saddens my heart.

Talk to parents about how they can successfully navigate their junior high girls through the boy minefield. How should parents deal with girls who are boy crazy?

I would say the first thing is to be open to talk about the idea of relationships and boys. Share your experiences as parents because the truth is, many of your kids don't think you were ever there and don't think that you ever had hormones rage through you or that you ever really liked somebody like they do. Sometimes it means being vulnerable. Some of us adults have stories in our past that we don't want to admit, especially in the arena of relationships and sexual stuff. The truth is, your kids are going to listen more and respect you more when you do share those stories.

When I was in ninth grade, I was dating a guy who was older than me. My mom was not too comfortable talking about sexual stuff, but she took me to McDonald's and as we were eating a cone, she said, "Heather, don't go parking in cars with boys!" That's all she said! I couldn't quite understand what she was getting at, but I said, "Okay."

What I found out later was that my mom struggled with some physical boundaries specifically when she would go in cars with boys when she was in high school. That warning was coming out of a situation from her past. Let's just think of how much more effective that conversation would have been had my mom said, "Heather, when I was your age I really struggled with the physical boundaries when I would go in cars with boys, so I just want to tell you to be really careful and be really smart when you're in a car with a boy."

I think it's huge for parents to be open and vulnerable with their kids. For me, when I'm talking to a junior high girl, and she starts talking about a guy she's crazy about, I bring her back to his character. I do that by asking her, "What are your three favorite nonphysical things about this guy?" Sometimes girls have a really hard time coming up with three nonphysical things because they're so focused on the physical. That can usually lead me into a conversation about if they think this guy is really good for them if they haven't yet discovered his character.

I think it's also important for parents to celebrate the fact that their daughter likes boys, but not to allow it to consume conversation or to consume the home. The truth is, it's really important to this junior high girl; this new relationship is very important, so if we don't acknowledge it, we're really doing a disservice. But if we allow it to consume conversation in the home, then we're also doing a disservice. There has to be a balance there.

I also would say to have reasons for boundaries that you set in the area of boy relationships. With so many parents it's that magical age of sixteen. Once you become sixteen, then you can date. I would encourage parents to have a reason for that, because we all know that our kids don't wake up on the morning of their sixteenth birthday and suddenly they're more responsible and more mature! Some kids are able to handle situations like that at age fourteen, and others should wait until they're eighteen. Parents should really think through things and ask questions like these, "Why do you think you shouldn't be over at his house without his parents there? Why do you think you should have a limited amount of time on the phone with this guy?"

If your daughter likes a guy, invite him to a sporting event with your family, or invite him to come over and hang out. Do this so that you have a chance to see this guy's character, and he has a chance to become involved with your family.

Lastly, I would say that it's so important for you as parents to be aware of the sexual pressures that your daughters are facing. Research shows that oral sex is on the rise among teenagers. Doctors are finding deep throat infections in teenage girls because of all the sexual activity that is going on. I talk all the time with girls in junior high who are experiencing this and are being pressured in this area. Some of them are walking into that temptation and falling to that pressure of oral sex, so it's not enough anymore for parents to have one conversation when their daughter is eight years old about sex; it needs to be a continual conversation, and it needs to include the topic of oral sex because it is a huge issue in junior highs all across America.

What inroads can parents use to successfully connect spiritual truths with their junior high daughters? Talk to us about principles and strategies that you have seen work.

Because girls, junior high girls especially, are so relational, I've found that personal stories and biblical stories are the best way to teach them biblical truths. During one of our love, sex, and dating series last year, I shared a story with my girls about how I liked this guy in college and was so disappointed when he didn't like me back. I found out a couple months later when he was engaged to another girl that he actually slept with his old girlfriend during the time he was engaged to this other girl. What I shared with my girls is that this was not personal rejection, it was for my protection. God was protecting me from a harmful situation.

One of my eighth grade girls came up to me a couple of weeks later and said, "Heather, I remember that story that you told about that guy and how you said it's not personal rejection, it's for my own protection. Last week when my boyfriend broke up with me, I said that to myself over and over and over again." She remembered that because it was connected to a relationship story, so I think that's really important.

Obviously, the biblical stories of Ruth and Esther and Mary, the mother of Jesus, and so many other stories can really relate spiritual truth to junior high girls. I have fun taking social activities and turning them into spiritual discussions for girls who are more into the abstract thinking (that usually happens around the ninth grade). If we're at an amusement park, and we're riding the merry go round or a roller coaster, I'll just throw out something like "how can life be like a merry go round? How can life be like a roller coaster?" They love that kind of stuff, and they'll start talking and interacting about what that's like and you can begin to have a spiritual discussion with them.

Girls love poems, stories, books like Chicken Soup for the Soul, and romance stories, so anytime you can use something like that, it will draw a junior high girl in right away. Then you can apply biblical truth directly to that story, and they will remember it because of that story element.

Parents are waiting too long to have the "sex talk"

2009-12-08T09:59:00.002-06:00

A recent study shows more than forty percent of adolescents had intercourse before they ever had a conversation with their parents about sex. A Time Magazine article (link here) comments:

"That trend is troublesome, say experts, since teens who talk to their parents about sex are more likely to delay their first sexual encounter and to practice safe sex when they do become sexually active. And, ironically, despite their apparent dread, kids really want to learn about sex from their parents, according to study after study on the topic."

I know talking to your kids about sex seems awkward and uncomfortable, but because they are exposed to the topic so much in today's culture, it's important to start young and continue the conversation. The article suggests one way to spark discussion is to address a mention of sex or sexuality on a TV show. This gives you the opportunity to teach your kids Biblical values about sex. If you're really stumped about what to say, just ask one simple question: Do you have any questions about sex?

A couple of things caught my attention in the article. Forty percent of girls said they had not talked with their parents about how to refuse sex. This should be at the top of the list for both boys and girls when having discussions about sex. Tell your kids the lines they likely will hear when being pressured to have sex (we've all heard them!), and give them specific ways to respond.

Another aspect highlighted in the article was this: "'A lot of parents think they had a conversation, and the kids don't remember it at all,' says Dr. Karen Soren, director of adolescent medicine at New York Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital. 'Parents sometimes say things more vaguely because they are uncomfortable and they think they've addressed something, but the kids don't hear the topic at all.'" In other words, be specific!

There is one thing Christian parents should be mindful of which the article does not cover. Sex is about more than health and pregnancy (although those are both extremely important!). God created sex to be a beautiful expression of love in marriage. We should strive to emphasize the goodness of it when it is exercised according to God's plan. If kids hear this message above and beyond the "don't do it" message, they will be encouraged to wait.

Advice for grownups

2009-10-01T13:18:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been neck deep in youth ministry projects, as well as writing a book with my daughter. For more info about that, check out Kelsey's blog at: The Book

I did want to let you know about an interesting resource that came my way recently. Josh Shipp is a motivational speaker for youth who also has an online advice show for teens. He has been dubbed the "Dear Abby for teens." He just launched a new site with advice for adults who interact with teens: Hey Josh for Grown-Ups

The site includes the 5 mistakes almost everyone makes in communicating with teens, Josh's top 3 secrets for effectively communicating with teens, life lessons from 12 parents, and a place to ask teens anything.

This is not a Christian site, and I do not know anything of Shipp's faith. However, his advice is sound, and there's plenty of insight into the teen mind. It's definitely worth your time.

Shipp is also starring in a new reality TV show, "Jump Shipp", on Halogen on October 24. The show features Shipp as he intervenes in the life of a young adult to help them avoid the dreaded “quarter-life crisis.” By offering them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live out their dreams, Josh shows that quitting or jumping ship isn’t for losers. For a sneak peek, click here: Jump Shipp

Help! My kid wants a tattoo!

2009-09-02T10:24:00.002-05:00

Not any of my kids (they are are averse to needles like their mother), but an increasing number of teens want to get a tattoo.

Today my former pastor blogged about guiding a young person through this decision, and his counsel is so wise, I had to share it with you all.

To Tattoo Or Not To Tattoo

What you don't know might hurt them

2009-08-14T09:24:00.002-05:00

"My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble." Proverbs 3:21-23 (NIV)

According to Common Sense Media's latest poll (click here), parents are clueless. What else is new?

In addition to not knowing what our kids are texting, we are also ignorant about what they are doing online. We think we know, because we have filters and passwords, but we don't know. They are sharing personal information, setting up social network accounts under false identities, illegally downloading files, and hacking into each other's accounts. And less than half the parents are aware they are doing it.

This is a good reminder to talk to your teens about the importance of integrity online. Many kids do not realize the potential consequences of posting things online. Once something is online, it may be difficult or impossible to delete it. It's also important to get teens thinking about the reliability of what they are seeing and reading on the internet. Help them learn to be discerning and wise.

Encourage your kids to be a positive force online, to shine some light in the darkness. Brainstorm ways for them to show love to others, such as leaving encouraging comments on Facebook pages. And when others spew hatred and make vile comments, help them respond in love.

It's also good to remember that our parents didn't know everything we were doing either. Pray and ask God to reveal anything you need to know about your child. He loves our children even more than we do, and "He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Corinthians 4:5)

Finally, give your teens the opportunity to prove themselves responsible. Spy less, talk more.

Praying for you and your children,

Lisa

Songs without explicit lyrics not necessarily 'clean'

2009-07-28T11:24:00.003-05:00

"Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." Proverbs 20:11

I came across this blog the other day and thought I would share it. It's about parents who think they are protecting their children from the nastiness of the entertainment industry, when in fact, their kids are being exposed to a lot of suggestive and raw material. It's quite eye opening, especially if you are not one to check out lyrics or music videos.

Look Mom, no cuss words! It must be clean!

I love the questions he asks - can you answer them?

Do you know what the most popular song is on Itunes right now?
Is it explicit?
Have you seen the video?

I'll add my own question. Do you know what your child's favorite song is right now?

Biblical parenting or overprotective?

2009-07-24T20:44:00.004-05:00

My 12-year-old daughter announced tonight that her friend's mother thinks I am overprotective. This is apparently largely based on the fact that I have not allowed my daughter to read Twilight (or see the movie, which is rated PG-13).

Although my first reaction to this criticism was to feel offended, I managed to respond to my daughter with, "That's all right. She's entitled to her opinion." I then began my own mental criticisms of the mother in question and decided without a doubt that she was wrong.

After my emotions began to calm, I decided I needed to forgive her. After all, she is not a follower of Christ, so why would she understand? It also occurred to me that I've actually been criticized by Christian parents for not being strict enough.

Now it's time for me to take these things to prayer and ask God if this is still what He wants me to do. Is it possible He used a non-believer to get me to re-evaluate? Sometimes it's just easier to institute rules because we "think" it's the right thing to do, or because it's what all the other Christian parents are doing. I want to make sure I'm in line with His Word and His ways, which are so much better than mine.

Praying for you and your children,

Lisa

P.S. My daughter and I have talked about the reasons why I don't want her to read Twilight yet. Notice I said "yet." If she wants to read it in a few years, that's fine with me. My issue is not with the vampires, it's with the obsessive behavior of the girl over a boy. I just don't think girls need any encouragement in that area! We have also talked about the obsessive behavior of fans, and I'm trying to help her realize that Twilight is a fad that will pass away.

Success and parenting teens

2009-07-02T09:27:00.004-05:00

"Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you." Proverbs 4:6

Parents, you know you are looking for an excuse to take a break, so here it is. Grab a cup of coffee and read on. This is worth it.

The following are excerpts from an article entitled "What Is 'Success' In Parenting Teens?", which is an interview with Dr. Paul Tripp. I highly recommend you read the entire article (click the link above, click to page 8 or choose to download the entire issue), but here are a few excellent snippets:

"Unfortunately, western culture has had a terribly cynical view of the teen years. People tend to see teenagers as a collection of raging, rebel hormones encased in skin. Of course, the idea is that you can’t talk to a hormone. I read someone who put it very well. He said that if you add the word “teenage” to any other word, it becomes a negative. Take “teenage driver.” That’s a simple instance of how this particular age group attracts cynicism. The problem with this way of looking at teens is that it’s a subtle denial of the Gospel. Actually, what we’re really saying is that there’s a class of people for whom the Gospel won’t work. That’s a devastating theology."

"…simply surviving your teens is not enough of a goal. In a sense, having survival as a goal is selfish because it’s focused simply on getting yourself through a difficult time. The other problem with having survival as a goal is that, as parents, we tend to settle for external, behaviorist sorts of goals. We try to deal with our kids according to the Nike way—“Just do it!” Children who have only had parents who want to regulate and control their behaviour don’t have much when they leave the home."

"Christian parents can be very successful at creating a new generation of young Pharisees who live with no sense of need for the Gospel at all, because they’re quite good at keeping external rules. That’s pretty scary to me."

"What’s the real problem that teenagers face? Is it their hormones or is it their hearts? The world says it’s their hormones; but the Bible says, in literally hundreds of ways, that human beings live out of their hearts."

"Imagine that you have an apple tree in the backyard. Now this particular tree produces horrible apples year after year. So I say to my wife, “I think I can fix our apple tree.” So I go out with a big ladder and cut off all the old apples. Then I nail delicious red apples all over the tree. I stand back, and from 50 feet it now looks like a good apple tree. But we all know what’s going to happen, don’t we? Those apples are going to rot, too, because if the tree is consistently producing bad apples, then there’s something wrong with the system, right down to its roots. We all realize that we won’t solve the problem by nailing apples onto the tree. But this is the problem with much of modern child-rearing, even in Christian circles. A lot of what we call biblical parenting is nothing more than apple-nailing. And what happens is that six weeks later, or perhaps six months or six years, the child or youth is right back to where they were before."

"Try this as an experiment. Imagine someone shooting a video of every waking moment of your life over the last six weeks. What would it reveal about the things you are serving? What would you say is really important to you? You hear parents confess their idolatry in roundabout ways all the time: “I do all this for you and this is the thanks I get?” Or a father says “How dare you do this to me!” as if the child has plotted against him. I guess it feels personal to a parent because the child has prevented him from serving the idol that’s ruling his life."

"...worship isn’t first an activity for human beings; worship is first an identity. We are worshippers; you can’t not worship. We are always in the service of something. And if I’m not serving God in the life of my teenager, then I’m serving other things."

"...the book of Proverbs is very clear in reminding us that teenagers don’t usually hunger for wisdom and correction. I’ve never had one of my kids say to me, “As I was riding the bus home from school I was thinking, ‘Dad, you’re a really wise man. I’d just love to sit at your feet and drink in some more of your wisdom,’ or ‘Dad, I realize that when you correct me you are showing me your love. Would you like to correct me some more?’ ” So what should be my

goal here? As a parent I realize that wisdom is crucial to pleasing God, and yet it’s not the thing for which my teenager tends to hunger. So now I’ve got my job description. It’s to sell my teenager something that he is not seeking. And so I decide that I’ll model being a wise man. I want to show him that wisdom is a beautiful and wonderful thing. And I want to sell wisdom to him so that he becomes a really keen consumer."

"Another characteristic of teenagers is that they tend to be very legalistic. They don’t particularly love God’s law, they frequently debate the boundaries and they’re very boundary oriented. I tell people that if God’s law is like a fence, then my kids grew up with fence marks on their faces. As teens they were always pressing against the fence. Now you don’t solve the problem of teenage legalism by debating where the boundary is. Why? Because a child who is pressing his face against the fence is believing a very significant lie. The lie is that the good stuff is out there and God is keeping him from it. What I need to do is turn his body to the inside of the yard and show him the glory of what God has called us to."

"I tell parents it’s like this: you can’t stand next to a puddle for too long without being splashed by its mud. The fact is that every parent of a teen is dealing with a person who is struggling to come to terms with life. We also must realize that every teenager is a sinner and is trying to learn how to live in God’s world, learning what it means to be godly and learning the dangers of sin. There’s no possible way that that won’t have a huge impact on my life. And that’s why people don’t like their teenagers."

"I want pre-sanctified, self-parenting children. I want children that I can always take to a restaurant without being embarrassed. I want kids who will do their homework without me being on their backs. I want an easy life for myself. And frankly, I never expected that becoming a parent meant that I would have to lay my life down for my kids. But that’s exactly what God calls me to do. My redemption cost Christ not only His glory; it also cost Him His life. That’s the model."

"One humbling thing that I’ve realized is that there are few struggles in the life of my teenager that I don’t recognize in my own heart as well. For instance, imagine my child has gotten into trouble because he’s procrastinated on a school assignment until the night before and he can’t possibly get it done. But haven’t I done the same? Of course I have. And when I realize that, I don’t come to him and say, “How dare you! How could you? In my day I would have never thought of doing this!” Instead, I come as a fellow sinner. It’s at this point that my dealings with him are based on the gospel rather than law. Here’s my opportunity to point him to Christ. So I say: “Son, there’s a rescue provided for us in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. There’s hope for both of us. I need it every bit as much as you do. And I stand with you. However, don’t expect me to write a note to the teacher to get you out of the assignment.” So you see, it’s a whole different approach. I actually think that the self-righteous—“I’m more righteous than you”— approach closes down teenagers; it doesn’t open them up at all. That’s why Christian parents shouldn’t use it."

"My problem with a lot of parenting is that it is reactive; it’s not goal-driven. Something comes up and I react to it. However, Scripture expects us to move well beyond reactive parenting. It sets us heart goals. And so when I am helping my teens deal with issues of dating, or use of the car, or behavior at school, their individual situation gives me a God-given opportunity to help them advance in one of these areas of heart goals. So, for each of my children, I have tried to look through the individual situation to the goal for their hearts that I’m seeking to achieve."

We have to get to the point where we realize that there is no hope apart from Christ. If I could turn the human heart by the force of my voice, or the strength of my personality, or the logic of my argument, or the wisdom of my parenting strategies, then Jesus would never have needed to come. So, as a parent, I’ve hit something that I can’t do by myself. And it makes me angry. It frustrates me. It discourages me. You see, what I want is some “instant fix.” Give me the three steps to producing godliness in kids. The Bible doesn’t do that. It doesn’t give us a system of redemption; it gives us a Redeemer."

Parents should remember that the best climate for a relationship is a climate of honesty and humility. I have watched restoration take place when parents are willing to begin to be honest about their own struggle. One of the things that drives teenagers crazy is parents who are all talk but no action. They hold up standards but never keep them themselves. I mean, how can you talk about grace but be bitter and angry?"

One of the ways I preach the Gospel is declaring my own need for it. And that can be done casually. I was talking to my 17-year-old son recently. I felt I’d been impatient with him. And I said: “It’s not going to be any surprise to you that I’m going to say I’m a sinner.” Well, he laughed at that, because I also said: “You have a robust experience of the same.” Then I said, “You know there are times when I think of myself more than you, and last night was one of those times.” And he said, “I do the same thing with you Dad, and I forgive you.” After that exchange there was a warmth between us. However, there would have been a very different outcome if I had said: “You know, you really ought to be glad that you have a dad like me. I’m always going out of my way for you. Why do you mess up all the time after all I’ve done for you?” You see, it would’ve been a whole different ball game."

"The point is this: if I’m willing to admit my need of Christ, then I come before my child with the evidence of what he also should do. He has not only seen his need, but he has seen the changes Christ is able to do in me. I’m preaching the gospel just by living my life. I think that’s a very powerful thing. And I think it’s an opportunity that we miss, because we believe that if we admit sin, then we compromise our authority. My authority is representative anyway, it’s not based on my righteousness, it’s based on Christ. And I think that’s the way that I can be an instrument in Christ’s hands."

Does your kid cheat?

2009-06-25T09:12:00.003-05:00

For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. Philippians 1:10 (NLT)

Does your kid cheat? Before you say no, look at this research from Common Sense Media:

35 percent of teens with cell phones admit to cheating at least once with them
Two-thirds of all teens say others in their school cheat with cell phones
52 percent of teens admit to some form of cheating involving the internet

There appears to be a real problem here, but other parts of the research reveal a more disturbing issue:

23 percent of teens say that storing notes on a cell phone to access during a test isn't cheating at all
20 percent say that texting friends about answers during tests is not cheating at all

And finally, parents are in denial about the possibility of their own children participating in cheating:

76 percent of parents say cell phone cheating happens at their child's school
3 percent of parents say their child has ever cheated with cell phones

I call this the "Not my kid!" syndrome. We never want to think our children, who we are raising with high moral standards, would ever stoop to cheating.

If there's one thing I've learned through years of parenting and working with teens, it's that you can never assume anything. Never assume your child knows right from wrong, even if you've said it a million times. Never assume your teen is not susceptible to peer pressure or pressure from teachers or parents to get a good grade. You cannot even assume your precious offspring won't have an apathetic moment and take the easy way out.

In the Bible, I love the way Paul writes to the churches like father writing to his child. In Philippians, Paul repeatedly encourages the believers to live clean, innocent lives before a dark and despairing world. In each encouragement, Paul gently reminds them how their behavior reflects on him and how proud he is when they do right. Take some time to read Philippians this week, and use this book as an example to exhort your own children.

In the meantime, use these survey results to open up a discussion with your teen about cheating. Some good questions to use are:

Do you think these numbers are fairly accurate?
Is cheating pretty common at your school?
Have you ever considered cheating?
Do you think cheating is wrong? Why or why not?

I'd like to hear from all of you on this subject. Do you think your child has ever cheated? What can parents do to help prevent cheating?

Dads, you should tell them

2009-06-19T14:23:00.003-05:00

A few nights ago, I was watching the movie, "A Walk in the Clouds." In one scene, Paul (the son-in-law) of a vineyard owner (Alberto) is trying to get through to his father-in-law. The dialogue went like this:

Paul: For four years that I've been at war, to do what I had to do, I had to keep myself

closed off. What's your reason?

Alberto: What are you talking about? Reason for what?

Paul: For shutting your daughter out of your heart. Can't you see how amazing she is? How alive? My whole life, I've dreamed of getting the kind of love your daughter tries to give you.

I would die for what you have. Why can't you just love her? She's so easy to love.

Alberto: You know nothing about my daughter! You hear me? Nothing!

Paul: I know that she is good...and strong...and deserves all the love this world has to give. Can't you see that? How wonderful...how special she is?

Alberto: You see this? This land...this vineyard! This is 365 days a year. Who do you think

I do this for? For them! All of them! I love my family!

Paul: You should let them know it.

Ouch. This took me back to memories of my own father. He worked hard and did well to provide for his family. I know now that was his way of showing love to his family, but when I was a teenager, I wished for more. More encouragement, more affection, more "I love you"s. Later in life, my dad fulfilled those wishes, and I'm thankful for that. I just hope to encourage all you dads out there (and moms!) to strive for more.

I just finished reading an article by Paul Robertson, Youth Culture Specialist for Youth Unlimited, entitled Strong Fathers in Challenging Times. He discusses the five roles fathers are required to play: participator, playmate, principled guide, provider, and preparer. At the end of the article, he refers to his own research of what young people are looking for in their father:

First, they expect their fathers to ask them how they are doing, how their day was and then take time to listen to their answers. They need to know their father cares about them. In one survey, 73 percent of our teens said having someone to listen to them is “very, very important.” The Internet may be a great place to chat, but is anyone really listening?

Second, they expect their fathers to be consistent and to model the behavior and beliefs they talk about. Fathers are expected to teach moral beliefs and standards, and to be an example. Teens hate hypocrisy and double standards. They want authenticity in their media world of shallowness and lies.

Third, young people long for fathers to love them unconditionally. They need to know that regardless of how stupid they can be, their dad will love them “no matter what.” Teens want to see the emotional and compassionate side of the man they look up to. It makes their fathers human in a rather impersonal, technological world.

Fourth, girls want their fathers to treat them with respect both verbally and physically. Dads need to set the standard for what their daughters should expect from the other men in their life. Honoring your daughter makes her feel worthy and loved and helps her get beyond the simple notion of being an “object” in her youth culture.

Fifth, as much as they need guidance they also need freedom. Freedom is earned as they prove they are responsible. Preparing your teens to live in the real world is a long and complicated process but very rewarding when done properly.

No doubt we live in a busy world where everyone’s schedule is more than full. Fathers feel the pressure—often feeling no one else understands—of providing for the family while juggling a hundred other important issues. However, in the end, dads only get one chance to raise their kids properly. If as one mother said, “When you die, the only thing you take with you is the love and memories of your children,” then the question becomes, “What will their memories of us be?”

Dads, we know it's not always easy, but continue to let your family know how much you love them. My prayer is that they will do the same for you, this Sunday and every day. Happy Father's Day!

Below are links to a few other great articles on fathers:

Father of the Teen: Growing Up With Your Kids

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dads Say/Top 10 Things Dads Say

Father/Daughter Relationships Lead to More Girls Following Dad's Career Path

Father Memories

The Payoff

2009-06-10T07:49:00.003-05:00

"I don’t want what you have—I want you. After all, children don’t provide for their parents. Rather, parents provide for their children. I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you, even though it seems that the more I love you, the less you love me." 2 Corinthians 12:14b-15 (NLT)

I love the way this passage is worded in the New Living Translation. Paul was writing to the church in Corinth and saw himself as a father figure to that congregation. It seemed the more he poured himself into the lives of his spiritual children, the more they responded with bad behavior.

I'm sure most parents have felt this way at one time or another. If you have been blessed to have a child with a challenging disposition (i.e. one that is counter to your own), you may be tempted to throw up your hands in frustration and quit trying altogether.

Paul reveals his intent and motivation to the Corinthians, and there is value in examining ourselves in both of these areas:

"I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you." I don't know about you, but there are days when I feel I've spent everything (physically, emotionally, and financially) on my kids, but I haven't always done it gladly! Especially in the midst of trying times, we must maintain our joy in serving the Lord. Raising children is not only a service to the Lord, but a tremendous privilege.
"I don't want what you have - I want you." Teenagers often view parents' actions through a filter of control. We can follow Paul's example by communicating clearly (and often) our love for our children. Kids need to know they are valued. Teens in particular need to know their voice is heard. Make sure your children know they are wanted.

If you read 1 and 2 Corinthians, you'll discover Paul's spiritual offspring did some pretty awful things. But as Paul advised another congregation, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9 NIV)

Neither you nor our teen will remain the same as you are today. There's a payoff down the road.

"So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:18

What one song would you recommend I download?

2009-05-15T15:23:00.002-05:00

I'll unashamedly admit I stole this idea from another blog. And I'll also admit my motives are a bit selfish, but I suspect all of you have exquisite musical taste.

So here's the question: if you could tell me to download only one song, what would it be and why? (Please don't say "because I like it!")

You may be asking, "What does this have to do with parents and teens?" I'm hoping it will encourage parents to listen to some of the teen suggestions and vice versa.

At the very least, we can all expand our music library. And hopefully our minds as well. :)

Adult TV for kids=earlier sex for teens

2009-05-12T10:17:00.002-05:00

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Deuteronomy 11:18-19

A new study by Children's Hospital in Boston shows children exposed to adult-themed movies and TV shows are likely to have sex earlier in their teen years than their peers who were not similarly exposed. I doubt any of us find that too surprising.

Examiner.com article

I remember volunteering in my daughter's second grade classroom and hearing one little boy tell me about an R-rated movie he had watched. I asked him if his parents knew he had watched it, and he said his father had rented the movie for him.

This permissiveness does not just exist outside the church. I've also listened to middle school students at church share their favorite movies with me, and sometimes the choices are pretty shocking. Of course, I'm always told they are watching with parental permission, which may or may not be true.

Still, I think way too often we are allowing the media to direct our children's sexual education. Kids exposed to such programs already have false expectations of sexuality, and it's no wonder both parents and educators have a difficult time getting their message across.

What can be done? Sure, we can monitor our family's media use more carefully. But even that is becoming more difficult. Recently, we were watching an episode of the Andy Griffith show on TV Land. Innocent enough, right? Sure! It's a G rated show...but the commercials were PG-13. You can't even watch a sporting event without viewing half naked women during a commercial break.

Can we boycott? Well, yes, I believe to a certain degree, we could probably turn off the TV a lot more. I speak for myself there as well.

Can we hold Hollywood accountable? That's difficult too, but we can do our part. We can choose to only support movies and programs that are wholesome. We can get in the faces of our local, state and national representatives, armed with studies such as the one above, and demand that America cleans up its act.

In the end, though, we have to come to some form of acceptance that this will always be an issue. We live in a sinful world, after all. The best thing we can do when our kids are exposed to adult material is to talk about it. Don't ignore it or be embarrassed by it. Express your feelings about it, explain in language they will understand, and let them ask questions. You can never go wrong being open and honest with your kids.

Believe it or not, they will listen.

Why does science only matter when it's convenient?

2009-05-07T08:43:00.003-05:00

I was up early this morning and spent some time praying for my daughter who is taking a four hour AP test this morning. I prayed for her clarity of mind since the test is being given during a period of the day which is not her prime functioning time.

I recently read this statistic: Twenty percent of teens fall asleep during class every day. I began to ponder why teens are continuously asked to perform academically at early times of the morning in light of scientific evidence to the contrary. Study after study has shown teens do better in school and have less depression when they are allowed to start working later in the morning.

A middle school student told me last night she has to get up by 6:00 a.m. in order to be ready to be on the bus before 7:00. In order to get the recommended nine hours of sleep, she would have to be in bed and asleep by 9:00 each night. With after-school activities and homework, that can be a challenge. Add in the circadian rhythm changes that occur during adolescence, which cause teens to want to stay up later/sleep later, and that's a near impossibility. Thus, the sleep deprivation cycle begins.

I've heard adults make the argument that "this is what they will have to do in the real world." True, but by then, they will be adults and will have outgrown this particular biological tendency.

In this "age of science", why is only some science regarded as important? In this case, school districts will say it's a matter of budget or, sadly, the need to accommodate sports. If this is a matter of our whether or not our children get a good education, why isn't this issue as important as funding for schools (which is always backed up with scientific data)?

Deuteronomy 4:9 says: "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them."

I've taught early morning Sunday school for teens and can say with all authority, I may as well have been attempting to instruct a brick wall. Parents, have you ever attempted to communicate some deep and wonderful truth to your teen at 7:00 in the morning? If so, I know you get what I am saying.

I say, let the kids sleep later. What do you think?

Torturing teenagers for entertainment

2009-05-05T17:10:00.002-05:00

I don't necessarily agree with the comparison made in the article, "Torturing Terrorists for National Security? Bad. Torturing Teenagers for Entertainment? OK." However, this article is worth the read, particularly if you allow your teens to view horror movies (and you don't see them yourself).

I am fortunate that my girls are not interested in seeing these types of movies, but if they were, they'd have a tough time selling me on the idea. I watched horror movies in my teens and wish I hadn't. Even though most of the horror movies of those days were pretty hokey and unrealistic, they still invited a spirit of fear and left graphic visual images I will never be able to erase.

If kids can show me a way that watching these movies will glorify God, I'll get on board. Until then, I will continue to discourage teens (and parents) from supporting an industry that has total disregard for the mental health of our children.

In case you don't feel like reading the whole article, here are few quotes:

"“To me, it’s aesthetic, not a question of society. There is nothing you can do wrong in a movie.” --Quentin Tarantino, when asked if the use of graphic violence in film is a good thing for society

"'Saw’ was a huge hit, proving that mainstream audiences have an appetite for sadism – at least if it's cleverly conceived." -- Time's Rebecca Winters Keegan

“[Musician/director Rob] Zombie says in his movies, violence is not gratuitous – it’s the point.” --NPR's Neda Ulaby

Should parents read kids' text messages?

2009-04-28T10:03:00.002-05:00

Saying this makes me feel old, but it's relevant, so I'll chance it. My parents had it so much easier. I had basically three ways to communicate with my friends: talking in person, writing a note or letter, or talking on the phone. There was only one phone in the house, which was attached to the wall on a limited cord, so privacy was at a minimum. Still, I often found the need to climb into the hall closet to talk to my friends.

Our kids have a host of ways to foster private communication. First it was AIM, then MySpace, now texting. All great ways to communicate, but equally dangerous. The question is: how much privacy is too much? With all the publicity about "sexting", should we be monitoring our kids' text messages? Is there even a right answer?

For parents, it's a matter of privacy vs. safety. Teens generally view it as a matter of control and/or lack of trust.

Let's talk about it. Parents, do you think it's OK to sneak a peek at your child's text messages? Kids, what do you say?

Hazing in high school

2009-04-25T09:43:00.009-05:00

Most of us have heard stories of hazing in college, particularly in fraternities and sororities, but you may be unaware of similar occurrences in high school. A recent study showed nearly half of all high school students have been hazed, and that number is similar to the last study done in 2000.

Any time teen life is portrayed in the media, whether in a movie or a study such as this, it's interesting to hear perspectives from teens themselves. The hazing reported included anything from silly stunts to drinking games, leaving the interpretation of the word "hazing" wide open. I'd be curious to hear interpretations of the data from teens out there: are the statistics realistic or overblown?

Parents, this is a great conversation starter. Ask your teens what they think about the numbers, and ask if they have ever been part of a hazing incident (on either the giving or receiving end).

USA Today article: Nearly half of high schoolers have been hazed

Morning after pill approved for 17-year-olds

2009-04-24T06:55:00.003-05:00

"I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no savior." Isaiah 43:11

When, oh when, will America learn? Shouldn't it be obvious? We have the highest teen pregnancy rate among the most developed countries in the world, so handing yet another form of birth control to our kids is ludicrous. And yet, the FDA has now made the "morning after" contraceptive available to 17-year-olds without a prescription. What just happened here?

The president of Planned Parenthood called the decision "commonsense policy." Commonsense? Is anyone really believing that? Never mind the moral implications here. I don't need to tread that road with all of you. We know better.

Why just 17-year-olds? Does the FDA care about our 17-year-olds? Unlikely. Do they care about the pharmaceutical industry? More than our kids, most certainly. The saddest part of all is the message it sends to our girls. In essence, they are being told, "You are God over your body and your life."

One has to wonder what would happen if the government went after the numerous industries that are sexualizing our girls at such a young age, in particular the media. Not likely to happen though, is it? The media would hate to report on the horrors of...the media. :)

Moms, Dads, hang in there. Keep fighting those messages your daughters are bombarded with every day. Keep reminding them, He is the Lord, and apart from Him there is no savior. Not a pill, not a boy, not the government.

Praying for you and your children,

Lisa

Parental Rights Under Attack

2009-04-14T14:49:00.003-05:00

I was first alerted to this issue by an email from a friend. Upon further study, I was surprised to find it continues to fly under the radar of even the Christian media.

The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) is a treaty which is being considered for ratification by the United States. Under the terms of this treaty, parental rights would be replaced by "the best interests of the child" as defined by an international committee of 18 people in Switzerland.

According to the ParentalRights.org website, government agencies would have the power to override your parental choices at their whim because they determine what is in "the best interest of the child."

For example, if your child complains to his school counselor that you make him go to church against his will, a case could be made against you claiming that church is not in the child's best interest. "This means that the burden of proof falls on the parent to prove to the State that they are good parents - when it should fall upon the State to prove that their investigation is not without cause." (ParentalRights.org)

Judges across the United States are already denying parental rights. Others refuse to recognize them because they are not explicitly protection in the United States Constitution. ParentalRights. org seeks to add a constitutional amendment that "will ensure that the rights of parents to raise their children are honored by federal court judges and recognized above international law."

I strongly advise you to become educated on this important issue and inform your elected representatives of your position.

For more information, visit www.parentalrights.org.

Hold on to your kids

2009-03-18T11:38:00.002-05:00

"Parents are the pride of their children." Proverbs 17:6b

Dr. Gabor Mate, co-author of the book Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Kids, offers a unique perspective on Attention Deficit Disorder. He believes the root of the problem is not always a need for medication, but instead a damaged or missing relationship with a caring adult. Current economic stresses, Mate says, may pull even more parents away from their children, with the need for parents to work a second job or longer hours.

From the article below:

"There's nothing in the child's brain that says their attachment must be to mommy and daddy. There's no circuit that says that's the way it must be,"

So when parents are absent, or shut down an opportunity to build their relationship with their children, the kids seek that attachment from elsewhere-- if they're lucky another adult, but more commonplace in these times that child will seek that attachment from his or her peers.

That attachment happens physically and emotionally, through copying behaviour and through the dynamic of belonging and loyalty. But Mate said peers are ill equipped to provide the unconditional, loving relationship only parents or another caring adult can provide.

"Peers aren't meant to be Mother Nature's nurturers because they're immature," Mate said. "It takes a lot of maturity to stand for unconditional devotion even in difficult times. As a result, kids live with a lot of dissing, bullying, ostracization and avoidance... when that happens, development shuts down."

Theories aside, we all know how important the parent-child relationship is. God Himself is a loving Father and a perfect role model for parenting. One of his characteristics is His omnipresence. He is always with us, always holding on to us.

Even though we cannot be omnipresent to our children, we can make sure we fully present when we are with them. Hold on tight.

Children and teens out of control

Am I listening?

2009-03-12T13:54:00.002-05:00

Life After High School: The First Year by Derek Melleby

I've had this article from the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding (CPYU) tickled for sometime and just got around to reading it today. On the back of yesterday's post, I'd say it timed out well. Melleby interviewed Tim Clydesdale, a sociology professor at The College of New Jersey and author of The First Year Out: Understanding American Teens After High School. Dr. Clydesdale conducted a six-year study following students from high school into their first year after high school.

Here are a few excerpts:

CPYU: What was the most surprising thing you learned about teenagers from your research?

TC: I would say it was how open teens were to talking to a sympathetic adult listener. It was as if they yearned for a sounding board—a listening and engaged ear—and once they found it in the interview room, they poured out their hearts. Neither their parents nor their peers provided an unfettered place in which the teens could talk; it seems that the adults in teens’ lives were more interested in telling them something than they were in listening to them, and that friends were likewise so caught up in their own concerns they didn’t listen very much either. This reveals something about American culture—that we nurture individuals so consumed with themselves that we as a culture are losing our desire if not our ability to listen. Even well-meaning folks like teachers, parents and youth pastors get so caught up in conveying a set of ideas that they rarely let up on the barrage of information. Teens are drowning in competing claims for allegiance, and no one, it seems, is providing the time and space to sort through all of this.

CPYU: You write, “Few and far between are teens whose lives are shaped by purpose, who demonstrate direction, who recognize their interdependence with communities small and large, or who think about what it means to live in the biggest house in the global village.” Did you notice any difference with Christian students you interviewed, or would you say that this is true for most teens, regardless of religious affiliation?

TC: I found this to be true of most Christian students, even those who say their faith is “very important” to them. It seems most Christian students want to keep their faith in a nice safe box: they attend church, they read the Bible & pray, but they largely pursue the same work-spend-borrow-consume lifestyle that their non-Christian peers do. The majority of Christian teens are content to sprinkle their suburban middle-class aspirations with evangelical faith (again, not unlike most adult evangelicals). I did find some Christian teens (say 10-25 percent) who are open to questioning whether these suburban aspirations represent the life of radical discipleship to which Jesus calls his followers. Such teens want to think deeply about their faith and engage it with the wider world. Unfortunately, few of these youth possess the mentorship that nurtures this sort of faith development, and without it, the tug of work-spend-borrow-consume may ultimately prevail.

CPYU: “College transition” is currently a hot topic in youth ministry these days. Churches are reporting that more and more students walk away from the faith during the college years. What do you think are the implications of your research for youth pastors as they prepare students in their youth groups for college?

TC: Those who “walked away” from their faith during college made the decision to do so long before their college years—they just waited for the freedom of college to enact that choice. In many cases, these teens reported having important questions regarding faith during early adolescence (12-14 years old) that were ignored by their parents or pastors rather than taken seriously and engaged thoughtfully. It is in early adolescence that faith trajectories (along with other life trajectories) are set, thus early adolescence is the point when preparation must occur.

Less Than 1 Percent of Young Adults Hold Biblical Worldview

2009-03-11T15:46:00.002-05:00

As the parent of a high school senior, I've been trying to prepare my daughter for college and "the real world." She can attest that I'm always sending her articles or making her read books that I believe will help her stay strong in her faith once she is away from home.

She will be getting the link to this article. Even though I'm not naive about the post modern world, I was pretty surprised by these statistics. Christian parents who DO hold a biblical worldview better sit up and take note.

Less Than 1 Percent of Young Adults Hold Biblical Worldview

Quote of the day

2009-02-27T09:54:00.002-06:00

"If I could wave a magic wand and make it so, I would have a mandatory parent night of education through the Department of Education to teach parents how to be parents.” -- Retired Hanover (MA) Police Chief Paul Hayes

Motherhood as vocation

2009-02-19T23:30:00.002-06:00

Stay-at-home moms, that's what they call us. Came across this article about women who make motherhood their full-time profession. Enjoy!

Motherhood as vocation

The power of forgiveness

2009-01-22T09:34:00.002-06:00

We all have those days. Someone has been irritating you all day, whether it be a spouse, a coworker, or a relative. Perhaps you have a teen who knows exactly how to push your buttons, and perhaps you have a way of getting on your child's nerves as well. What happens when the button pushed leads to a nuclear explosion?

Author and media expert Al Menconi shares an encouraging story from his own parenting experiences:

"One day Annie and I were having a rough time communicating. It seemed like we were pushing each other’s buttons all day. I’ve forgotten the circumstances but the last straw happened when I was putting her to bed. She was rude and disrespectful and said something snotty. I lost my cool and slapped her face.

Of course she started crying loudly. My wife came into the room and started closing the windows so the neighbors wouldn’t think we were beating our kids. My younger daughter, Allison, thought she was being funny by yelling, “Child abuse, child abuse!” Looking back now, it all seems like a scene from a bad sitcom. I wasn’t laughing.

I was angry; a ten-year-old shouldn’t talk to her father like that! Annie continued to sob. Jan wondered out loud if we should send Annie to school the next day because her cheek was red from my slap. What would they think? I was devastated at my lack of control.

There was only one thing to do. After I calmed down, I went into Annie’s room and apologized. I told her what she did was wrong but my response was worse. Much worse. I asked her if she would forgive me. She stopped crying, forgave me, and we hugged as she went to bed.

Recently, I talked with my adult daughters about various illustrations from their childhood for an upcoming book on parenting. When I brought up the slapping incident, Annie couldn’t remember if it was she or Allison who was slapped.

Can you believe it? Here was a situation that devastated me for years and the victim of my slap didn’t even remember it happening. I really believe humbly asking for her forgiveness erased it from her memory. In case you are thinking she forgot because it happened so many years ago, let me share another incident that tells you about her memory.

When Annie was in first grade, she aced all her spelling words as I quizzed her the night before her test. The next day, she missed the word “brought” on the test by spelling it “bought.” She forgot the “R.” She blamed me for teaching her the wrong word. I good-naturedly told her she was responsible for her misspelling, but she insisted it was my fault. I never apologized because I thought it was funny. Neither of us got angry, but neither of us would admit being wrong either.

You would think she would forget a little misspelled word from twenty-five years before. Wrong! If you asked her today which word Dad got wrong in her first grade spelling test, she will tell you “brought.”

There is nothing wrong with her memory. The only difference between the two incidents is I apologized after I slapping her and didn’t after her spelling error."

What a great reminder of Proverbs 11:2: "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."

The wait is almost over

2008-12-22T10:00:00.002-06:00

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Do you remember the days of waiting for your child to be born? You made all the necessary preparations to welcome a precious loved one into your home. The house was cleaned from top to bottom, gifts were pouring in from friends and family, and the air was ripe with excitement over the impending birth. As you waited, the days stretched out longer and longer, and you just couldn't wait for that baby to arrive!

My prayer for you and your family is that your home is filled with the same excitement this week as you prepare to celebrate the birth of our Lord, and that the anticipation is indeed focused on His arrival. Not just His coming over 2000 years ago, but His eventual return!

Many blessings to all of you at this holy time of year,

Lisa

"We expect too much at Christmas. It's got to be magical. It's got to go right. Feasting. Fun The perfect present. All that anticipation. Take it easy. Love's the thing. The rest is tinsel." -- Pam Brown

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude with teens

2008-11-03T22:39:00.002-06:00

I know I've posted this link before in the newsletter, but it's worth giving again. Some really great ideas to reach out to others and most of them are "unlame." :)

30 Days of Thanksgiving: Cultivating a Thankful Heart

Evangelical teens and sex

2008-10-29T23:18:00.001-05:00

Yikes. I am not even going to comment on this article. You read, you decide, YOU comment!

Red Sex, Blue Sex

A Potpourri of Parenting Possibilities

2008-10-17T09:25:00.003-05:00

"Peace be with you, dear brothers and sisters, and may God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you love with faithfulness. May God’s grace be eternally upon all who love our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 6:23-24 (NLT)

A number of things have been piling up in my "to blog" file lately, and I wanted to get them out to you before they become stale or irrelevant. I am in the midst of planning a huge event for Christian teens in our area, so I won't have time to comment on any of this, but please do the reading. It's all great!

The Top 10 Musical Artists That Capture Our Kids' Attention

Are You Winning the Battle and Losing the War For Your Kids?

Pastor Appreciation is an Attitude, Not an Event (October is Clergy Appreciation Month)

2008-09-25T08:37:00.004-05:00

"My mouth will speak words of wisdom;
the utterance from my heart will give understanding." Psalm 49:3 (NIV)

Most people do not like to be considered an extremist; we envision ourselves as quite balanced in our thoughts and actions. When it comes to teenagers, however, communication often becomes an issue of extremity for many parents. There even seems to be a line drawn between Christians and nonbelievers on this issue.

From my observation, Christian parents tend to be naggers (see article below). We love to correct our children, don't we? We see it as our God-directed obligation, and rightly so, but often how we go about it is the furthest thing from the heart of God.

Nonbelievers, in general, have decided they would rather be friends with their children than parent them. They excuse away misbehavior and use their teens as an excuse to act like children themselves.

I believe there is a middle ground which pleases the Lord. I believe we can be both parent and friend to our children. It's all in the way we communicate.

The following article has some very practical, thought-provoking ways to improve communication with our teenagers. The article asks this tough question: "Are your kids drawn to talk to you, or do your children spend a lot of time away from the family, either on the phone, texting, listening to music in their room, or playing video games?" It's normal for teens to detach themselves to a certain extent, but the question is, where is the majority of their time being spent?

Please take the time to read this article and take it to heart, even if it stings a little. Pray that Psalm 49:3 will become a reality in your parenting.

Are You Nagging or Communicating?

Bad news for baggy pants haters...

2008-09-18T16:29:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure there's anything sinful about baggy pants, but apparently it disturbed enough folks to get a law passed banning them. However, a Florida judge has deemed that law unconstitutional, so our hard-earned tax dollars will likely pay for this case to climb the courts.

Baggy Pants Ruled Unconstitutional

My husband never got a law passed, but our son's baggy pants used to drive Dan crazy. He instituted a belt requirement and occasionally would give a tug on Jeremy's pants to make sure he was in compliance. On one such occasion, he happened to do so in the middle of a discount store, and ended up "pantsing" the boy in public! While it turned out to be a funny story that we laugh about in our family, I do not recommend this as a means of dealing with baggy pants. However, I do believe Jeremy did a better job of remembering his belt from then on!

What do you think? Are baggy pants morally reprehensible, or are the adults who passed this law being legalistic and uptight?

Snurf-legal and dangerous new drug

2008-09-16T10:50:00.002-05:00

"You don't need a telescope, a microscope, or a horoscope to realize the fullness of Christ, and the emptiness of the universe without him. When you come to him, that fullness comes together for you, too. His power extends over everything." Colossian 2:10 (The Message)

It's hard to keep up with all the stuff out there that can be dangerous for our kids, so I try to stay on top of some of this stuff for you guys.

There's a new drug causing quite a stir. It's called Snurf; no, not the little blue guys from Saturday morning cartoons, those are Smurfs. :) Snurf is legally sold over the internet as an herbal supplement (although some of the so-called ingredients don't exist), and it landed four Pennsylvania teens in the hospital in the past week.

Please read the link below to become familiar with this and other similar over-the-counter supplements that are being marketed to your kids. Make sure you know the signs and symptoms of use and abuse. More importantly, TALK WITH YOUR KIDS about this stuff! This opens the door for a great discussion about why people use and abuse drugs (i.e. what is missing in their lives?).

Praying for you and your children,

Lisa

Growing Teen Abuse of Snurf Pills

Girls, girls, girls

2008-09-13T10:12:00.006-05:00

“Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment.” John 7:24

There is nothing new about teenage girls pushing the envelope with their fashion choices. It’s no revelation that the media and the fashion world cater to that rebellion. There are, however, some interesting new ideas about the reasons why girls act the way they do. There are also indications of a turn in the tide for feminism, a step in the right direction (in my opinion).

Check out the articles below (I’ve included a snippet from each one). There’s some thought provoking stuff here. I’ll leave you to your own conclusions. J

Time Magazine: The Truth about Teen Girls

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1840556,00.html

“There are lots of reasons to worry about adolescent girls having sex too early . But is it the sex we're worried about or the sexiness? Is it what they do or how they look? And whose problem is this anyway?”

ABC News: Some Say It’s OK for Girls to Go Wild

http://abcnews.go.com/US/Health/story?id=2798436&page=1

“’Putting up pictures of yourself scantily dressed on MySpace is, in a way, kind of a good sign,’ he said. ‘The good news is that it's somebody who isn't horrified by their appearance. Also if they get some positive response, that can be very supportive.’"

"’Adults think that kids take everything literally -- if [teens] pose in a bikini, they're suddenly sexually active,’ she said. ‘It's odd that adults who are supposed to think more conceptually are thinking so concretely.’"

Parent Dish: It’s Not Bad to be Good

http://www.parentdish.com/2007/07/20/its-not-bad-to-be-good

“I was getting all the wrong attention from men. I wanted them to like me for me, but my "look" wasn't attracting that. I wish someone had been there to guide me, to show me that there was an alternative. (Someone other than my mother that is.) I wish someone was out there making it cool to be good.”

Toronto Star: How the ‘Bad’ Girl Became Good

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/236893

"Looking ‘wild’ and acting ‘wild’ are supposed to be empowering, but more often they lead to misery, especially for young women who quickly learn to put their emotions in deep freeze to do what is expected.”

Talking to teens about TV role models

2008-09-05T12:06:00.002-05:00

Integrating faith and culture is not always an easy thing to do. Here's a great discussion tool from Common Sense Media when watching TV with your teens, which I highly recommend if your kids enjoy the teen dramas (soap operas).

Talking to kids about role models

In God We Trust?

2008-08-22T08:53:00.002-05:00

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; and the knowledge of the holy is understanding." Proverbs 9:10

This week, several well-meaning American Christians sent me an email urging me to vote in an online MSNBC poll about whether or not we should keep the phrase "In God We Trust" on our currency.

For those of you living outside the United States, there is a California lawyer who is suing to have the phrase removed because it is a violation of the principle of separation of church and state (which is a phrase thrown around by people who clearly do not understand our country's Constitution).

Like most Christians, my first reaction to this issue was indignation. How could they? What a slap in the face to God! This country would be nowhere without His blessing.

Upon further reflection, however, I've decided not to take sides. It's really OK with me one way or the other. Before you threaten to take away my "Christian badge" or accuse me of being unpatriotic, let me explain why.

If we keep it, atheists should relax and be OK with it. They all have a god in whom they trust; they just don't realize it. It's usually themselves. So they can simply look at their money and say, "In me I trust."

If we don't keep it, Christians should be OK with it too. After all, I'm not sure that phrase applies to our country anymore. Do we really trust in God, as a nation? The evidence points to the contrary. We trust in politicians, celebrities, money, power, beauty, and a host of other things that come before God.

Most importantly, whether or not we have that phrase on our money, God is still God. He is still on the Throne, and Jesus is still Lord of all, even over the mighty and powerful United States. In the end, that's really all that matters.

Tender

2008-07-25T14:43:00.001-05:00

Tenderize: to make tender, as by pounding or by a chemical process or treatment.

My husband’s family has taken a pounding this week with the passing of my father-in-law. We’ve been talking a lot about the legacy he left, but some of that legacy is yet to come. Just as we are seeing the effects of his life, we are also experiencing the effects of his death.

If you’ve ever had a loved one die, you remember the feeling of first receiving the news. It’s like a kick to the stomach, a punch to the face, and a blow to the heart all at once. Your mind, body and spirit take a beating.

Alongside the tears, I’ve witnessed a “tenderizing” in many family members. Suddenly everyone is much kinder to one another, more attuned to each other’s needs, and more compassionate and caring. There are more hugs and more “I love you”s. There is an abundance of grace and forgiveness.

However, it takes more than a pounding to produce a palatable piece of meat. We’ve all been seasoned by the love and support of friends, and now we will go through the fire of grief. I pray that when we are done, we will be “the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing” (2 Corinthians 2:15). And hopefully, if we willingly accept the pounding, we will continue to be tender.

Teens and sexual sin: how to deal

2008-07-09T15:33:00.002-05:00

I came across this thoughtful, well-written piece today on teens and sexual brokenness. The article gives a Biblical perspective and response for parents who discover their teen is in sexual sin of any kind.

Dealing with sexual brokenness in teens

Something worse than MySpace? (gasp!)

2008-07-01T20:17:00.003-05:00

You had to know there would be something coming. Enter virtual world, IMVU.com. Teens can pick up girls (or boys), get a virtual lap dance, or meet a stranger and give them a cyber French kiss, all in 3-D. You will want to read this review of the site:

The Hottest Virtual Teenage Hangout...A Little Too "Hot"

Truth uncovered: There is no money tree!

2008-06-20T09:16:00.003-05:00

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" Hebrews 13:5 (NIV)

I remember one time when I was very young, I asked my father to buy me a record album. He said, "OK, well, I will just go out in the back yard and get some money off the money tree!" I was too young to understand sarcasm, and for weeks I kept searching my back yard for that tree.

I'm sure many of us have used that expression with our kids as well. We may be using it more often these days, as prices soar and wages remain the same. As our teens prepare to go out in the world, they need to have good money-management skills with a godly approach.

A couple of PARENtEEN readers sent me links to some helpful articles below (thank you, Matthew and Allison!).

Ways To Teach Kids That Money Doesn't Grow on Trees by Eric Tyson encourages us to use the economic crunch as an opportunity to teach our children the real value of money.

Stop Overindulging Your Children by Jill Rigby teaches parents how to stop falling for the nag factor.

Below are some more resources for you to check out:

Teaching appreciation diminishes the impact of materialism (Harris Interactive survey)

Material world teens (Center for Parent/Youth Understanding)

Teaching your teen to budget (Family Education)

Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl

2008-06-19T09:11:00.006-05:00

My daughter alerted me to a new song that is outrageous enough to be making waves on the top 40 chart. It's called, "I Kissed A Girl," performed by Katy Perry. Here are the lyrics:

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I hate to even give press to this song, but parents, this is a great opportunity to talk to your teens about homosexuality. With the recent legislation in California, stories of gay marriages are plastered in every form of media. Not only is homosexuality becoming widely accepted, it is glorified and even celebrated.

This song encourages sexual experimentation and sends a message that it's "no big deal." Our kids need to know that this behavior is wrong in God's eyes, and more importantly, they need to know why. They need to know that God has a better plan, a perfect plan for their sexuality. They need to know they are being deceived by the world.

Chances are, your teens have friends or acquaintances who are gay. This is also a great time to talk about how we should treat homosexuals. Teens need to know that just because we don't agree with the behavior, we must love all people who are lost and confused. That is part of the greatest commandment.

Another interesting side note on Katy Perry: she is the daughter of two pastors, and she released a Christian album under her real name, Katy Hudson, back in 2001.

For more help on this subject, check out CPYU's 3-D review below:

I Kissed A Girl

Fathers of all kinds

2008-06-15T17:45:00.003-05:00

Happy Father's Day to all our dad readers! I hope you got lots of accolades, a little rest, and no neckties.

You may have noticed this blog has been quiet the past few weeks. Our family was going through a season which kept me physically busy and mentally drained. My youngest daughter spent the better part of May trying to get her asthma under control, which meant lots of sleepless nights for Mom. I, in turn, had a compromised immune system and ended up getting sick, just about the time my husband accompanied his father to Arizona for a risky, experimental heart surgery. I am thankful to say that all went well, and his dad is back home recuperating. We are all mended now and back to our "normal" amount of crazy. :)

This Father's Day was a mix of emotions for me. I still miss my dad, who is celebrating in heaven for the second year, but it was great to celebrate my father-in-law being here after (once again) defying the medical odds.

Today was also the last day for our church's senior pastor, who God is calling on a great faith adventure. I think it was appropriate that we celebrated him today, as he has been a remarkable spiritual father to his congregation. I encourage you to check out the link below to a newspaper article about Pastor David Holt. He is truly inspiring.

That also means I will be saying goodbye to one of my favorite women, Dede Holt. She has been a tireless supporter of PARENtEEN and a dear friend. I know it will only be a temporary goodbye (and thank God for e-mail!), but I will miss her smile and sweet Georgia accent. Love you, Dede!

Farewell, Pastor Holt: Longtime evangelical leader returning to his Georgia roots

Making the most of summer

2008-05-25T09:26:00.003-05:00

I have a love/hate relationship with summer. I love being able to stay up late and sleep in, and I enjoy a more relaxed schedule of activities. That's about it; I hate the heat and humidity, the bugs, the storms, and yard work. When my kids were younger, there was the added challenge of keeping them busy (i.e., entertained). By mid-July, I felt like Julie, the cruise director on "The Love Boat," and my children were definitely not into shuffleboard!

One summer, the light bulb went on, and I discovered I possessed cheap labor within my own house. Why, I could put these little munchkins to work and really accomplish something over the summer! This genius plan had to be carried out with great finesse, however, because the workers could not know they were actually doing chores. That would never fly.

I began by casting a vision of the future, planting dreams of complete freedom and independence. Anyone with teenagers knows it's not hard to get them thinking about the day they will be on their own. After hearing their grandiose ideas of life without parental interference, I reminded them of those pesky little realities of life. You know, things like doing your cooking, cleaning and laundry, buying your own groceries and (gasp!) paying your own bills.

"Wouldn't it be so much easier if you already knew how to do all those things?" I inquired. Okay, so their response was less than enthusiastic, but at least they had some positive motivation to do a little work.

For some specific ideas, check out the article below. It was written for children ages 6-12, but most of the suggestions fit teens as well. And remember, one day they WILL thank you!

Educational Summer Activities

Tween queen for a day

2008-05-20T17:35:00.002-05:00

Today's birthday at my house isn't making me feel any younger either. Emma, my "baby", turned 11 and is firmly entrenched in all that is tween. That means Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and a host of other Disney and Nickelodeon stars are pretty big at our house. That also means the teen years are not far off. I think I can FEEL the gray hairs creeping in already!

Emma has been struggling with a severe asthma flare-up for the past week, so she hasn't felt well on her special day. I'm sure she'd appreciate prayers for quick healing!

22 years young

2008-05-19T09:52:00.005-05:00

"Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth." Psalm 127:4

It's one of those days that will forever be burned in my memory. Every detail remains clear, right down to what I was wearing. It was a day that changed my life forever; it was the day I became a parent.

I was just one week shy of 22 years old when that whopping ten pound, redhead baby boy made his first appearance in the world. Today, the now six-foot lanky young man turns 22 himself. I have a new perspective about how young I really was when Jeremy was born. No wonder I felt so clueless as a new parent!

Through the years, he has been the child who could always make me laugh and was always humble enough to be able to laugh at himself, a quality I admire and aspire to. Jeremy's smile is contagious, and I know it's the reason why God gave him those dimples.

Of course, I shed a few tears over my son as well, mostly during his teen years. And I must say, he was probably the reason for most of the gray hairs I now have. Still, I'm thankful for the lessons learned (for both of us).

He is the arrow, I am the warrior, and I've had to release him to the world, knowing full well that God is sovereign over where he will land.

Happy birthday, Jeremy!

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-10T22:31:00.002-05:00

May madness has begun at our house. It begins tomorrow with Mother's Day, followed by four birthdays in 11 days at our house! We also have about a dozen family members celebrating birthdays and anniversaries in May, not to mention graduations, end-of-the-school year concerts and recitals. By the time May is over, I'm as ready for summer vacation as the kids are!

Just another reason to marvel at my own mother and how she managed to keep our household running without a hitch. I'm not sure I inherited her energy or organizational ability!

Tonight I am lifting up a prayer for all the moms out there, especially mothers of teenagers. I pray that God will give you a day of appreciation for your cherubs, no matter how un-precious they may be right now. :)

Happy Mother's Day!

Great expectations?

2008-05-08T19:00:00.002-05:00

This article raises some interesting questions; such as, are we more interested in our teens' morality or in their relationship with Jesus? Or are the expectations we place on our teenagers unrealistic and burdensome? I'd love to hear what all of you think.

High School Students Feel the Weight

Discrimination against teens

2008-05-02T09:41:00.002-05:00

My 17-year-old daughter has mentioned many times that she feels discriminated against when she goes shopping. "Just because I'm a teenager, the clerks automatically think I'm a shoplifter too," she'll say. She's probably right, but I remind her that they are just doing their job.

This article came to my attention today. I didn't realize until I got to the end that is was written by a teen (who happens to be a very eloquent writer!). He makes some valid claims about discrimination, but more so, he gives adults a fresh perspective on how they view teenagers.

'Teenism' gives young adults an undeserved rep

Aggressive girls

2008-04-30T09:43:00.002-05:00

On a recent Wednesday night at youth group, I was sauntering down the halls of the church, minding my own business. I looked ahead to see the mother of one of our students making a beeline for me. Any experienced youth worker will tell you, when a parent approaches you, it's rarely to give a compliment. Something is usually wrong. I breathed a quick prayer and braced myself for whatever criticism was coming. But this woman caught me completely off guard.

With an urgency in her voice, she said, "Can you help me with something? My son is being harassed by some girls here at church. They keep approaching him and asking him to go out. They play with his hair and hug him without his permission. Now they are starting to call our house at all hours of the night. It's making him uncomfortable, and we don't know what to do!"

I was even more stunned to discover the identity of the girls who were involved. They were girls in the small group I was leading. These were Christian girls growing up in good homes with caring parents. How could this be?

I promised the mother I would speak with the girls. When I asked them about their relationship with the boy, they saw nothing wrong with their behavior. They viewed it as innocent flirting and nothing more. We had a very long talk that night about appropriate conduct towards young men and how their actions affect others.

Apparently, this is a growing problem. Check out the article below by Dennis Rainey of Family Life for tips on protecting your sons and training your daughters.

Protecting Your Son From Aggressive Girls

Thanks to my big brother Larry for bringing this to my attention!

Welcome to PARENtEEN!

2008-04-17T12:45:00.004-05:00

Hey everybody! Welcome to the new PARENtEEN blog. If you are new here, you are entering a community of parents, youth workers and teens who want to better their relationships. We are all in this together, so feel free to post comments and helpful links to resources. I look forward to our new adventure, and as always, I am praying for you and your children!