Having "the talk" with girls about romance

Hardly a day goes by that I don't see research or yet another article reminding me to talk to my teenager about sex.

I have yet to see an article suggesting I talk to my daughter about romance.

When I was her age (13), I was not very interested in sex. But I was definitely interested in romance. My mind played a thousand scenarios a day of various boyfriends. They would say the sweetest things to me, look lovingly into my eyes, and hold me in just the right way. These imaginary lovers never pressured me to have sex. They just LOVED me. And let's face it, that's what most females want: to be loved.

My desire to be loved was only fueled by soap operas (daytime and nighttime) and romance novels. My own mother never saw anything wrong with these things; she indulged in them herself. Maybe they weren't dangerous for her. But they drove me into a fantasy world where no real-life man could compete. I began to set expectations that were unrealistic, without even realizing it.

I can honestly say, those mind games were a large factor in ruining my first marriage, which happened at a young age. Eventually, I grew up and learned what was real, but I still grieved for that which might never be.

So I am here today to tell you, before you ever have the sex talk with your daughter, have the romance talk first. If you watch romantic movies or shows together, help her distinguish between what is realistic and what is not. Help her understand what men are really like, putting aside any personal vendettas. Show her what she should expect realistically, and what is merely fantasy.

Someday, you'll still need to have the sex talk. But this will go a long way for now.

Girls more likely to use alcohol/drugs to cope

"She's so moody! Must be hormones." I hear this a lot from parents of teen girls. Yes, young ladies can be all over the map emotionally, but there is usually more to the story than a raging case of PMS. Coming of age is a bit like standing at the edge of a cliff on your tiptoes; one stiff wind and you don't know which way you might be blown. Girls need parents standing between them and that cliff. And this latest research cautions us to be more vigilant than ever.

I'll post the links below, but here's the summation: teenage girls are more likely than teenage boys to perceive potential benefits from drug use and drinking, making teen girls more vulnerable to drug and alcohol abuse. More than two-thirds of teen girls responded positively to the question “using drugs helps kids deal with problems at home” and more than half reported that drugs help teens forget their troubles. Stress has been identified as a key factor leading to drinking, smoking and drug use among girls and more than three times as many young girls as boys reported having symptoms of depression in 2008.

"We've become a society that basically says, 'If things aren't perfect in your life, take a pill,' " says Calvina Fay, executive director of the Drug Free America Foundation. "This causes our young people to see drugs as an answer."

“Parents of teen girls have to be especially attentive to their daughters’ moods and mental health needs, which can have a direct effect on their child’s decision to risk her health by getting high and drinking,” said Partnership for a Drug-Free America President and CEO Steve Pasierb. “Parents can help prevent alcohol and drug abuse by recognizing and addressing their daughters’ worries and stresses, by supporting her positive decisions and by taking immediate action if they suspect or know she has been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.”

Here's what you can do:

1) Spend time with your daughter. The more you get to know her, the more in tune you will be with her moods and emotions.

2) Teach her how to handle emotionally-charged situations in a way that honors God. Moms, that means setting a good example!

3) Pray together during those highly moody times. This teaches her to give it to God. Remind her that emotions are temporary and not always accurate indicators of truth.

4) Have an ongoing conversation at your house about the rules and consequences of drug/alcohol use. This should include talking about how dangerous it can be to use drugs or alcohol as an escape from problems.

5) Ask God daily to protect your daughter from temptations.

Teen girls say kids more likely to drink, do drugs to cope

National Study: New Data Show Teen Girls More Likely to See Benefits in Drug and Alcohol Use

Redeeming the influence of Grandma

“For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.” Colossians 2:9-10

Summer has a way of stirring up childhood memories for me, as if the piercing sunlight illuminates those pockets of recollection.

The cool and bright morning today found me recalling many wonderful summer weeks spent with my grandmother. My grandma was not your typical grandma. She was feisty, fun, and full of life.

No one could make me laugh like Grandma Jess. I can still hear her throaty laugh, often accompanied by a coughing fit (that’s what half a century of smoking will do to you). She couldn’t wait to get the grandkids without their parents so she could show us a good time. All the things we not allowed to do at home, Grandma made sure we got to do at her house. In order to spare my mother, I won’t list them all here...though I suspect she knows anyway!

You see, I grew up in a fairly strict Christian home. Grandma, though I know she believed in God, did not buy into religion or moral law. She was a rule breaker. She grew up in the rural Midwest on a farm. She married young, and she and Grandpa both partied hard. Smoking, drinking, swearing, fighting and cheating. This was in the 1920’s and 1930’s, when such behavior was considered quite scandalous.

Grandma eventually left Grandpa, taking their two children and moving to Omaha. She quit drinking but still lived a pretty wild life for awhile. Years later, she married a military man and lived in several places around the world, but ended up settled back in Omaha.

Her past shaped her into a tough woman, and most people were afraid to cross her. But as fierce as her temper could be, her love was just as intense. You always knew Grandma loved you. When she talked to you, she was genuinely interested in your life, your hopes and dreams. She gave fervent hugs; to this day, I still associate the smells of Tabu and cigarette smoke with being held in her arms.

Until her health declined, she still knew how to have a good time. She could find humor in almost anything, usually by making fun of it. I remember going for walks or laying in bed at night, and all we did was laugh.

Looking back now, I’m somewhat amazed my parents even allowed me to hang out with her. Let’s face it, she wasn’t exactly a godly influence! But I’m so glad they did, because I’m pretty sure she cultivated some good character traits in me. I believe my ability to connect with teenagers grew out of my relationship with Grandma. I think I learned to love people in spite of their bad behavior through knowing Grandma. And I know without a doubt that she taught me how to loosen up and have fun.

Reflecting on all of this reminds me that I don’t have to be so protective of my children. God redeemed what appeared to be profane and turned it into something beautiful. He did it in my life, and He can do it in my children’s lives too.

Sex Talk: I Agree With Kim Cattrall?

I agree with Kim Cattrall. There's a statement I never thought I'd make. Even more surprising, I agree with something she said about sex.

In an interview with the Telegraph, the actress reportedly said that her show "Sex And The City" helps parents find a way to broach the topic of sex with their teenagers. And I agree.

Now before you get upset and send me hate mail, let me explain. I'm not suggesting you encourage your teens to watch SATC just so you can have a conversation about sex. However, let's face it, many of them have seen the show and/or the movies. If your teen has, it is indeed a great way to open up the topic of sex. In particular, it's a great way to illustrate the pitfalls of not following God's plan in the area of sexuality. The women of SATC have been pursuing a lifestyle of casual, unmarried sex for...how many years? And where has it gotten them? Most of the time they are miserable and angst-ridden, and that depiction is at least true-to-life.

Shows like SATC can actually open dialogue about ways to deal with living counter to the secular world. Most Christian teens want to be "in the world, not of it," but we can never assume they know how to do that.

As Christians, we spend an awful lot of time complaining about the culture. I say it's time we use it to our advantage.

How dads show their love - and how they can do it better

I'll never forget my first car - a yellow Volkswagen bug without working heat. I got it in college (yes, that's right, in the days when turning 16 didn't mean you were entitled to receive a car!). It wasn't much, but it got me from point A to point B.

After I got the car, every time I would call home, I got frustrated with my dad because all he wanted to talk about was the car. He wanted to know if it was running ok, if I had changed the oil and checked the tire pressure, and if I had shopped around for the best insurance. I began to think he cared more about the car than he did about me!

Years later, someone explained to me that this is one way fathers express their love for their children. When a dad asks about your car, he's really saying, "I love you and want to make sure you are safe and taken care of."

After reading the article below, I believe this is another way dads express their love - through teaching. Dads love to share their wisdom and their greatest parenting successes are often wrapped up in a skill they've taught their child.

Just like I got frustrated with my dad, many kids get frustrated over being "taught" by their fathers. They don't understand the love behind the action, and they desire to be loved for who they are, not who they might become.

If any teens are reading this, I hope you will give your dads a huge dose of grace by realizing their actions are motivated by love. Dads, you are important and needed, and I hope this article helps you focus on enjoying your child, just as he or she is.

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Helping our daughters discern the truth about beauty

A great friend sent me the link to this fabulous blog post entitled, "Who Is the Beholder of Your Beauty?"

Those of us with daughters are constantly battling society's messages in regards to physical beauty, and it is so important to help our girls grow up with a God-centered view of themselves. The author eloquently points her daughter in the right direction, while rightly admitting how difficult that can be in the light of self-examination!