Does your kid cheat?

For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. Philippians 1:10 (NLT)

Does your kid cheat? Before you say no, look at this research from Common Sense Media:

• 35 percent of teens with cell phones admit to cheating at least once with them
• Two-thirds of all teens say others in their school cheat with cell phones
• 52 percent of teens admit to some form of cheating involving the internet

There appears to be a real problem here, but other parts of the research reveal a more disturbing issue:

• 23 percent of teens say that storing notes on a cell phone to access during a test isn't cheating at all
• 20 percent say that texting friends about answers during tests is not cheating at all

And finally, parents are in denial about the possibility of their own children participating in cheating:

• 76 percent of parents say cell phone cheating happens at their child's school
• 3 percent of parents say their child has ever cheated with cell phones

I call this the "Not my kid!" syndrome. We never want to think our children, who we are raising with high moral standards, would ever stoop to cheating.

If there's one thing I've learned through years of parenting and working with teens, it's that you can never assume anything. Never assume your child knows right from wrong, even if you've said it a million times. Never assume your teen is not susceptible to peer pressure or pressure from teachers or parents to get a good grade. You cannot even assume your precious offspring won't have an apathetic moment and take the easy way out.

In the Bible, I love the way Paul writes to the churches like father writing to his child. In Philippians, Paul repeatedly encourages the believers to live clean, innocent lives before a dark and despairing world. In each encouragement, Paul gently reminds them how their behavior reflects on him and how proud he is when they do right. Take some time to read Philippians this week, and use this book as an example to exhort your own children.

In the meantime, use these survey results to open up a discussion with your teen about cheating. Some good questions to use are:

• Do you think these numbers are fairly accurate?
• Is cheating pretty common at your school?
• Have you ever considered cheating?
• Do you think cheating is wrong? Why or why not?

I'd like to hear from all of you on this subject. Do you think your child has ever cheated? What can parents do to help prevent cheating?

Dads, you should tell them

A few nights ago, I was watching the movie, "A Walk in the Clouds." In one scene, Paul (the son-in-law) of a vineyard owner (Alberto) is trying to get through to his father-in-law. The dialogue went like this:

Paul: For four years that I've been at war, to do what I had to do, I had to keep myself

closed off. What's your reason?

Alberto: What are you talking about? Reason for what?

Paul: For shutting your daughter out of your heart. Can't you see how amazing she is? How alive? My whole life, I've dreamed of getting the kind of love your daughter tries to give you.

I would die for what you have. Why can't you just love her? She's so easy to love.

Alberto: You know nothing about my daughter! You hear me? Nothing!

Paul: I know that she is good...and strong...and deserves all the love this world has to give. Can't you see that? How wonderful...how special she is?

Alberto: You see this? This land...this vineyard! This is 365 days a year. Who do you think

I do this for? For them! All of them! I love my family!

Paul: You should let them know it.

Ouch. This took me back to memories of my own father. He worked hard and did well to provide for his family. I know now that was his way of showing love to his family, but when I was a teenager, I wished for more. More encouragement, more affection, more "I love you"s. Later in life, my dad fulfilled those wishes, and I'm thankful for that. I just hope to encourage all you dads out there (and moms!) to strive for more.

I just finished reading an article by Paul Robertson, Youth Culture Specialist for Youth Unlimited, entitled Strong Fathers in Challenging Times. He discusses the five roles fathers are required to play: participator, playmate, principled guide, provider, and preparer. At the end of the article, he refers to his own research of what young people are looking for in their father:

First, they expect their fathers to ask them how they are doing, how their day was and then take time to listen to their answers. They need to know their father cares about them. In one survey, 73 percent of our teens said having someone to listen to them is “very, very important.” The Internet may be a great place to chat, but is anyone really listening?

Second, they expect their fathers to be consistent and to model the behavior and beliefs they talk about. Fathers are expected to teach moral beliefs and standards, and to be an example. Teens hate hypocrisy and double standards. They want authenticity in their media world of shallowness and lies.

Third, young people long for fathers to love them unconditionally. They need to know that regardless of how stupid they can be, their dad will love them “no matter what.” Teens want to see the emotional and compassionate side of the man they look up to. It makes their fathers human in a rather impersonal, technological world.

Fourth, girls want their fathers to treat them with respect both verbally and physically. Dads need to set the standard for what their daughters should expect from the other men in their life. Honoring your daughter makes her feel worthy and loved and helps her get beyond the simple notion of being an “object” in her youth culture.

Fifth, as much as they need guidance they also need freedom. Freedom is earned as they prove they are responsible. Preparing your teens to live in the real world is a long and complicated process but very rewarding when done properly.

No doubt we live in a busy world where everyone’s schedule is more than full. Fathers feel the pressure—often feeling no one else understands—of providing for the family while juggling a hundred other important issues. However, in the end, dads only get one chance to raise their kids properly. If as one mother said, “When you die, the only thing you take with you is the love and memories of your children,” then the question becomes, “What will their memories of us be?”

Dads, we know it's not always easy, but continue to let your family know how much you love them. My prayer is that they will do the same for you, this Sunday and every day. Happy Father's Day!

Below are links to a few other great articles on fathers:

Father of the Teen: Growing Up With Your Kids

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dads Say/Top 10 Things Dads Say

Father/Daughter Relationships Lead to More Girls Following Dad's Career Path

Father Memories

The Payoff

"I don’t want what you have—I want you. After all, children don’t provide for their parents. Rather, parents provide for their children.  I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you, even though it seems that the more I love you, the less you love me."  2 Corinthians 12:14b-15 (NLT)

I love the way this passage is worded in the New Living Translation.  Paul was writing to the church in Corinth and saw himself as a father figure to that congregation.  It seemed the more he poured himself into the lives of his spiritual children, the more they responded with bad behavior.           

I'm sure most parents have felt this way at one time or another.  If you have been blessed to have a child with a challenging disposition (i.e. one that is counter to your own), you may be tempted to throw up your hands in frustration and quit trying altogether.  

Paul reveals his intent and motivation to the Corinthians, and there is value in examining ourselves in both of these areas:  

• "I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you."  I don't know about you, but there are days when I feel I've spent everything (physically, emotionally, and financially) on my kids, but I haven't always done it gladly!  Especially in the midst of trying times, we must maintain our joy in serving the Lord. Raising children is not only a service to the Lord, but a tremendous privilege.   
• "I don't want what you have - I want you."  Teenagers often view parents' actions through a filter of control.  We can follow Paul's example by communicating clearly (and often) our love for our children.  Kids need to know they are valued.  Teens in particular need to know their voice is heard. Make sure your children know they are wanted.           
  

If you read 1 and 2 Corinthians, you'll discover Paul's spiritual offspring did some pretty awful things.  But as Paul advised another congregation, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  (Galatians 6:9 NIV) 

Neither you nor our teen will remain the same as you are today.  There's a payoff down the road.  

"So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."  2 Corinthians 4:18 

What one song would you recommend I download?

I'll unashamedly admit I stole this idea from another blog.  And I'll also admit my motives are a bit selfish, but I suspect all of you have exquisite musical taste.  

So here's the question:  if you could tell me to download only one song, what would it be and why?  (Please don't say "because I like it!")

You may be asking, "What does this have to do with parents and teens?"  I'm hoping it will encourage parents to listen to some of the teen suggestions and vice versa.  

At the very least, we can all expand our music library.  And hopefully our minds as well.  :)

Adult TV for kids=earlier sex for teens

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."  Deuteronomy 11:18-19

A new study by Children's Hospital in Boston shows children exposed to adult-themed movies and TV shows are likely to have sex earlier in their teen years than their peers who were not similarly exposed.  I doubt any of us find that too surprising.  

Examiner.com article   

I remember volunteering in my daughter's second grade classroom and hearing one little boy tell me about an R-rated movie he had watched.  I asked him if his parents knew he had watched it, and he said his father had rented the movie for him.  

This permissiveness does not just exist outside the church.  I've also listened to middle school students at church share their favorite movies with me, and sometimes the choices are pretty shocking.  Of course, I'm always told they are watching with parental permission, which may or may not be true.  

Still, I think way too often we are allowing the media to direct our children's sexual education. Kids exposed to such programs already have false expectations of sexuality, and it's no wonder both parents and educators have a difficult time getting their message across.  

What can be done?  Sure, we can monitor our family's media use more carefully.  But even that is becoming more difficult.  Recently, we were watching an episode of the Andy Griffith show on TV Land.  Innocent enough, right?  Sure!  It's a G rated show...but the commercials were PG-13.  You can't even watch a sporting event without viewing half naked women during a commercial break.  

Can we boycott?  Well, yes, I believe to a certain degree, we could probably turn off the TV a lot more.  I speak for myself there as well.  

Can we hold Hollywood accountable?  That's difficult too, but we can do our part.  We can choose to only support movies and programs that are wholesome.  We can get in the faces of our local, state and national representatives, armed with studies such as the one above, and demand that America cleans up its act.  

In the end, though, we have to come to some form of acceptance that this will always be an issue.  We live in a sinful world, after all.  The best thing we can do when our kids are exposed to adult material is to talk about it.  Don't ignore it or be embarrassed by it.  Express your feelings about it, explain in language they will understand, and let them ask questions.  You can never go wrong being open and honest with your kids.  

Believe it or not, they will listen.  

Why does science only matter when it's convenient?

I was up early this morning and spent some time praying for my daughter who is taking a four hour AP test this morning.  I prayed for her clarity of mind since the test is being given during a period of the day which is not her prime functioning time.  

I recently read this statistic:  Twenty percent of teens fall asleep during class every day.   I began to ponder why teens are continuously asked to perform academically at early times of the morning in light of scientific evidence to the contrary.  Study after study has shown teens do better in school and have less depression when they are allowed to start working later in the morning.  

A middle school student told me last night she has to get up by 6:00 a.m. in order to be ready to be on the bus before 7:00.  In order to get the recommended nine hours of sleep, she would have to be in bed and asleep by 9:00 each night.  With after-school activities and homework, that can be a challenge.  Add in the circadian rhythm changes that occur during adolescence, which cause teens to want to stay up later/sleep later, and that's a near impossibility.  Thus, the sleep deprivation cycle begins.  

I've heard adults make the argument that "this is what they will have to do in the real world."  True, but by then, they will be adults and will have outgrown this particular biological tendency.      

In this "age of science", why is only some science regarded as important?  In this case, school districts will say it's a matter of budget or, sadly, the need to accommodate sports.  If this is a matter of our whether or not our children get a good education, why isn't this issue as important as funding for schools (which is always backed up with scientific data)? 

Deuteronomy 4:9 says:  "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live.  Teach them to your children and to their children after them."  

I've taught early morning Sunday school for teens and can say with all authority, I may as well have been attempting to instruct a brick wall. Parents, have you ever attempted to communicate some deep and wonderful truth to your teen at 7:00 in the morning?  If so, I know you get what I am saying.

I say, let the kids sleep later.  What do you think?

  

  

 

Torturing teenagers for entertainment

I don't necessarily agree with the comparison made in the article, "Torturing Terrorists for National Security? Bad.  Torturing Teenagers for Entertainment? OK."  However, this article is worth the read, particularly if you allow your teens to view horror movies (and you don't see them yourself).  

I am fortunate that my girls are not interested in seeing these types of movies, but if they were, they'd have a tough time selling me on the idea.  I watched horror movies in my teens and wish I hadn't.  Even though most of the horror movies of those days were pretty hokey and unrealistic, they still invited a spirit of fear and left graphic visual images I will never be able to erase.  

If kids can show me a way that watching these movies will glorify God, I'll get on board.  Until then, I will continue to discourage teens (and parents) from supporting an industry that has total disregard for the mental health of our children.  

In case you don't feel like reading the whole article, here are few quotes:

"“To me, it’s aesthetic, not a question of society. There is nothing you can do wrong in a movie.” --Quentin Tarantino, when asked if the use of graphic violence in film is a good thing for society

"'Saw’ was a huge hit, proving that mainstream audiences have an appetite for sadism – at least if it's cleverly conceived."  -- Time's Rebecca Winters Keegan

“[Musician/director Rob] Zombie says in his movies, violence is not gratuitous – it’s the point.” --NPR's Neda Ulaby