"I just do not understand girls." I hear this mostly from dads, but occasionally moms are also confused by what their daughters are thinking or feeling. And usually with teen or pre-teen girls, it is ALL about what they are feeling!
Finally, I am re-posting below the most requested article from PARENtEEN over the years, "Raising Junior High Girls." It's long, but worth the read!
Heather Flies knows junior high girls! Not only was she once one, but she has spent several years working with them as a youth leader and now as a junior high youth pastor. Heather is the junior high youth pastor at Wooddale Church in Eden Prairie, MN. She is also a member of The Core (Youth Specialties) training team.
Here's the transcript of the conversation with Heather...
Talk to us about your history of working with junior high girls.
Actually, my experience with junior high girls started when I was just out of junior high myself. After I had finished the 9th grade, I went up to a camp in northern Minnesota to be a counselor-in-training for the week. It was a camp that I had gone to all of my life, but when I got up there they were short on counselors. Because they knew me, they put me into a cabin with eleven 11-year olds for the entire week. So, there I was, at fourteen, with eleven 11-year olds for a full week. I loved it, and I apparently did a great job and continued to go back there every summer all the way through my college years. During my college years, I was full time there.
It seemed that every time a junior high week rolled around, it was my favorite week of the summer; I just loved junior high girls. I actually went to another church after that experience where I worked with senior high girls and I enjoyed that, too, but what I found was that a lot of the senior high girls had built some walls up around their hearts and were carrying some baggage from decisions made earlier on and they were a little harder to get to than junior high girls. When I came to Wooddale about six years ago and began to work with junior high girls again, my heart slid right into place where it was before, and I have been doing that for the last six years. I just really enjoy it.
How would you best describe junior high girls? What words or phrases would you use?
I think they're definitely sincere, insecure, searching, social, becoming self aware, competitive, exclusive, hungry for affection, energetic, and they're very relational.
During the junior high years, for girls especially, friends are so important - whether through phone conversations, sleepovers, or passing notes between classes. All of my junior high girls love pictures; they bring picture albums with them to our Wednesday night meetings to show everybody, and they have pictures all over their rooms. Sometimes their friends actually define who they are and where they are in their social status. The social piece is so important for junior high girls.
As far as being hungry for affection, I just see that junior high girls want hugs; they want touching. They love it when I braid their hair, they love it when I hug them (and I consider myself a professional hugger, so it's perfect for that!). They love attention, and it's not just the kids who come from a home where that's not given to them. I have one girl in my group who comes from a very solid home where mom and dad both love her and show that love continuously, but every Wednesday and every Sunday she comes to find me for her weekly hug. It's just kind of a standard, and if she doesn't get it, she's pretty upset the next week when she comes to find me. They love to be paid attention to and to have undivided attention from adults; it's really important.
As far as becoming self aware and being insecure...there are so many challenges as a junior high girl and so many changes that are going on inside of them and around them that they just begin to be aware of their insecurities, the ways they struggle, things they're not too confident about, and they begin to take things very personally. Often times that goes hand in hand with the insecurity. If they are ignored by a friend or if a parent reprimands them or something happens in a class setting, they just take it so personally and have a really hard time getting past that insult or harsh word.
Talk about the changes that a girl goes through socially and emotionally from the ages of about eleven to thirteen. Help parents know what to expect.
I minister to seventh through ninth graders, so I get them in those three years where so many changes are going on. I think before we even touch on the social and emotional aspects, we've got to touch on the physical. Between the ages of eleven and thirteen, so many physical changes are happening that are directly related to the emotional and social changes for a girl. Physically, their hips begin to expand, their breasts begin to develop, they start to get taller than the guys in their class, they have hormones running through them, and menstruation starts during that time. So, here they are with all of these things changing in their bodies that are very visible to other people - it's not just internal stuff - and I think because of that a lot of social and emotional changes come out of that.
Socially, some of the girls are developing and being noticed by boys and others are not, so for some girls that's a really crazy thought that a guy is going to notice her because of how she looks. For others, it's a saddening thought wondering why guys don't pay attention to them anymore. Also, I think there is a constant connection with friends and it begins to become very enmeshed. Girls will share every moment of their day with their friends. They will call each other in the morning to find out what they're going to wear and try to match their clothes or not match their clothes. The relationships just become so important in that social aspect.
Emotionally, because of all those chemicals and hormones running through them, sometimes junior high girls can be very irrational, and when you try to have a conversation they surprise you with where they go or how emotional they get. They cry very easily and like I said, they take everything so personally. They often find themselves in extremes; either they're very, very hyper, or they're incredibly down. It can be in a matter of fifteen minutes that that changes! For parents, I understand that it has to be so frustrating, but all of this is really natural and obviously essential for girls to go through.
Talk to dads of junior high girls on the importance of remaining affectionate with their daughters even when it feels awkward. Girls need their dad's affection more than ever at this age, don't they?
That's right; it's so important. Research and my ministry experience show that girls who have steady, close, and affectionate relationships with their dad will then have healthy, steady relationships with guys - whether in friendships or dating relationships in their future. When dads continue affection throughout the life of a girl and especially throughout her adolescent years, he begins to fill her emotional tank, her affection tank. If it doesn't get filled at home, the girls will go other places to get it filled.
Even though it's uncomfortable and a little awkward, I really want to encourage dads that girls need it and even if they don't vocalize it, they want it. If you, as a parent, consistently show that affection to your daughter, that's not going to be something that's rare or something that she's going to need to go out to look for in somebody else.
As far as some practical advice there, I would say to be consistent. If one of your routines with your daughter was to go in and sit with her on her bed at night, continue to do that even when she is an adolescent - even though you might not be sure where to sit, how long to stay in there, or what to talk about. It just provides a consistency that is so important in a time in her life when nothing else seems to be consistent. Be sensitive to her nonverbals and to her verbals. If she pulls away, be sensitive to that and maybe don't hug her in that setting (maybe when friends are around or in a public place). Be sensitive to that.
Also, don't take things personally; this is a very natural developmental stage that your daughter is going through. She's trying to figure out her independence from you, and sometimes she's not sure. Sometimes she wants to crawl on your lap and have you hug her and hold her, and other times she wants you to walk four feet behind her in the mall, so don't take it personally.
The last thing is to take every moment you can get with your daughter; even if it happens late at night when she comes home from being out with friends (and the last thing you want to do is hear about makeup or a boy!). When she comes and jumps on your bed or says, "Hey, can we talk?" drop whatever you're doing because it's so important. There are going to be times where that becomes less and less, and you're going to wish you had taken the time to listen.
A lot of parents struggle with how to stay close to their junior higher because she strongly desires to be with her friends and not with her family. What can a parent do to stay connected with their junior high daughter when she's got her eyes pointed outward?
Understand that it's natural that she wants to be with her friends, and don't take it personally. Be involved in her activities outside of the home whether it be the color guard competition, chess club, choir, or cheerleading. It's so important for parents to be religiously involved in her activities outside of the home because it helps her to understand that things that are important to her are also important to her parents.
I also think it is essential for parents to open their home to the friends of their daughter. Girls love to be together and they love to have a place to be together. I remember having other friends who opened their home. I loved to be there. We had a lot of interaction with the parents, and the parents got to know us. I know that sometimes it gets really loud and crazy, and you want them to turn the television down and close the nail polish, but you are going to be so thankful that you had that activity in your home and that you were able to get to know your daughter's friends.
Also, listen during carpool conversations. That's my favorite thing to do when I drive the bus as part of my ministry. I love to listen in on conversations that are going on, because you can get to know a lot about the girls and about their friends through that. Ask questions; I know there are some parents whose kids say they ask too many questions, but when you ask questions you're showing that you care and that you want to be involved.
I would reiterate again to be available when the girls want to talk. I have one girl in my ministry whose name is Krista, and she loves to talk. Sometimes when she talks, I'm not quite sure what she's talking about, but I listen. I give her my attention, because I know that someday she's going to come with something that's going to be hard to talk about. She's going to want to know that I'm going to listen to her.
Staying connected with your daughter also means explaining that freedom is a privilege and is given when kids are responsible and consistent in their behavior. I think it's important to set consistent family times where your family is together. Take the time to explain the importance of that to your daughter. Make those times fun so that your daughter wants to be there. I think holding that standard in your family is an important part of the week and an important part of your life together.
What advice can you give to parents on how much to allow and where to draw the line when it comes to their daughters being on the phone and the computer?
In my ministry to families, I've seen a great deal of success when parents use the phone and the e-mail privilege as rewards for homework and chores being done. I think it encourages priorities and it serves as a privilege to the responsible and consistent child. I guess if you have a child who doesn't come home with much homework or the chores get done really quickly, then it would be important to set a time limit whether it's something like three phone conversations per evening or being on the Internet for one hour. Set that boundary because the truth is if no boundaries are set, kids would go until 2:00 a.m. or 3:00 a.m. interacting with people on the phone or via the computer!
I think there's the same idea with sleepovers and outings with friends. If your child handles responsibility well, if they call and tell you they're going to be somewhere, or they're not cranky after a sleepover and they can actually handle the day that's going on, then I think it's a healthy thing and you can allow them to do sleepovers and be out with friends because you're seeing a responsibility there. This really means that parents need to be attentive to the behavior of their child, their child's friends, the movies they're seeing, and so on.
Let me mention the latest trend among junior high and high school students: coed sleepovers. They're a huge rage in our part of the country, and I heard of a situation a couple of months ago where a coed sleepover was going to be happening with some younger high school students. One of the moms called over to the house to just say, "Tell me what's going on and what kind of supervision there's going to be" and the mom of the home said, "You know, you're the only parent that has called out of 40 parents. You're the only one who was intentional enough to ask some questions about what was going to be going on." As a result, she chose not to allow her daughter to go, which I'm very thankful for. As parents, you need to take the time to figure out what your daughter is involved in and make sure that she's being responsible.
The whole idea of a coed sleepover scares me to death as a parent!
It's becoming rampant. It scares me because of the intimacy that is being lost. Kids say to me, "Heather, we're not doing anything physical or sexual," but anybody who is married knows that there is an intimacy that comes out of waking up next to somebody or seeing somebody in their pajamas or having breakfast together. There's an intimacy there, and those kids are experiencing that at age 15. It really saddens my heart.
Talk to parents about how they can successfully navigate their junior high girls through the boy minefield. How should parents deal with girls who are boy crazy?
I would say the first thing is to be open to talk about the idea of relationships and boys. Share your experiences as parents because the truth is, many of your kids don't think you were ever there and don't think that you ever had hormones rage through you or that you ever really liked somebody like they do. Sometimes it means being vulnerable. Some of us adults have stories in our past that we don't want to admit, especially in the arena of relationships and sexual stuff. The truth is, your kids are going to listen more and respect you more when you do share those stories.
When I was in ninth grade, I was dating a guy who was older than me. My mom was not too comfortable talking about sexual stuff, but she took me to McDonald's and as we were eating a cone, she said, "Heather, don't go parking in cars with boys!" That's all she said! I couldn't quite understand what she was getting at, but I said, "Okay."
What I found out later was that my mom struggled with some physical boundaries specifically when she would go in cars with boys when she was in high school. That warning was coming out of a situation from her past. Let's just think of how much more effective that conversation would have been had my mom said, "Heather, when I was your age I really struggled with the physical boundaries when I would go in cars with boys, so I just want to tell you to be really careful and be really smart when you're in a car with a boy."
I think it's huge for parents to be open and vulnerable with their kids. For me, when I'm talking to a junior high girl, and she starts talking about a guy she's crazy about, I bring her back to his character. I do that by asking her, "What are your three favorite nonphysical things about this guy?" Sometimes girls have a really hard time coming up with three nonphysical things because they're so focused on the physical. That can usually lead me into a conversation about if they think this guy is really good for them if they haven't yet discovered his character.
I think it's also important for parents to celebrate the fact that their daughter likes boys, but not to allow it to consume conversation or to consume the home. The truth is, it's really important to this junior high girl; this new relationship is very important, so if we don't acknowledge it, we're really doing a disservice. But if we allow it to consume conversation in the home, then we're also doing a disservice. There has to be a balance there.
I also would say to have reasons for boundaries that you set in the area of boy relationships. With so many parents it's that magical age of sixteen. Once you become sixteen, then you can date. I would encourage parents to have a reason for that, because we all know that our kids don't wake up on the morning of their sixteenth birthday and suddenly they're more responsible and more mature! Some kids are able to handle situations like that at age fourteen, and others should wait until they're eighteen. Parents should really think through things and ask questions like these, "Why do you think you shouldn't be over at his house without his parents there? Why do you think you should have a limited amount of time on the phone with this guy?"
If your daughter likes a guy, invite him to a sporting event with your family, or invite him to come over and hang out. Do this so that you have a chance to see this guy's character, and he has a chance to become involved with your family.
Lastly, I would say that it's so important for you as parents to be aware of the sexual pressures that your daughters are facing. Research shows that oral sex is on the rise among teenagers. Doctors are finding deep throat infections in teenage girls because of all the sexual activity that is going on. I talk all the time with girls in junior high who are experiencing this and are being pressured in this area. Some of them are walking into that temptation and falling to that pressure of oral sex, so it's not enough anymore for parents to have one conversation when their daughter is eight years old about sex; it needs to be a continual conversation, and it needs to include the topic of oral sex because it is a huge issue in junior highs all across America.
What inroads can parents use to successfully connect spiritual truths with their junior high daughters? Talk to us about principles and strategies that you have seen work.
Because girls, junior high girls especially, are so relational, I've found that personal stories and biblical stories are the best way to teach them biblical truths. During one of our love, sex, and dating series last year, I shared a story with my girls about how I liked this guy in college and was so disappointed when he didn't like me back. I found out a couple months later when he was engaged to another girl that he actually slept with his old girlfriend during the time he was engaged to this other girl. What I shared with my girls is that this was not personal rejection, it was for my protection. God was protecting me from a harmful situation.
One of my eighth grade girls came up to me a couple of weeks later and said, "Heather, I remember that story that you told about that guy and how you said it's not personal rejection, it's for my own protection. Last week when my boyfriend broke up with me, I said that to myself over and over and over again." She remembered that because it was connected to a relationship story, so I think that's really important.
Obviously, the biblical stories of Ruth and Esther and Mary, the mother of Jesus, and so many other stories can really relate spiritual truth to junior high girls. I have fun taking social activities and turning them into spiritual discussions for girls who are more into the abstract thinking (that usually happens around the ninth grade). If we're at an amusement park, and we're riding the merry go round or a roller coaster, I'll just throw out something like "how can life be like a merry go round? How can life be like a roller coaster?" They love that kind of stuff, and they'll start talking and interacting about what that's like and you can begin to have a spiritual discussion with them.
Girls love poems, stories, books like Chicken Soup for the Soul, and romance stories, so anytime you can use something like that, it will draw a junior high girl in right away. Then you can apply biblical truth directly to that story, and they will remember it because of that story element.
