Modeling Christ in a blended family

I received a Facebook message requesting this article, written by my husband a few years ago. I hope this is helpful to anyone trying to navigate the twists and turns of a blended family.

YOURS, MINE, AND OURS

Modeling Christ in a blended family

By Dan Grant

Picture this: Two high school sweethearts bump into each other 25 years after graduation. Both are widowed and have children. The old spark is renewed, and they quickly decide to get married. They move into a large house with all the children. What ensues is not exactly what the newlyweds envisioned. The kids are not happy about having a new stepparent or sharing rooms with new siblings who have been raised with very different parenting styles.

You may recognize the storyline from the movie, “Yours, Mine, and Ours.” On the other hand, you may recognize it from your own life.

Historically, blended families were uncommon, and were most often the result of a widowed spouse who remarried. Today, with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, there may be as many as 15 million stepchildren under the age of 18 in the United States. It is estimated more than a third of all children will spend some part of their lives in a stepfamily.

As if family life isn’t demanding enough, blending families brings a new assortment of challenges. I have personally experienced many trials as the head of my own blended family, and it continues to be a learning process.

I met my wife during the college years. We began a friendship that endured many years and miles of separation. During that time, she married and had two children. After her marriage ended in divorce, our friendship grew to romance, and we married in September 1993. Her son was seven years old, and her daughter had just turned three.

In retrospect, my expectations entering marriage and becoming a stepparent were pretty unrealistic. I figured the kids would be calling me “Dad” within the first six months to a year. Their biological father would still be in the picture, but they would look to me as their “father figure.” After all, I was such a great guy! I made good money, I would be married to their mother, and of course, I was a Christian. What more could they ask for? In looking back, I could not have been more wrong.

Stepparents can indeed have an incredible impact on children’s lives. They can be a role model, spiritual leader, and a second mom or dad. They can be used by God to bring about good in the midst of a bad situation. In order to accomplish these goals, we need a defined view of the stepparent’s role within the blended family.

First, let’s take a look at how we got here. Blended families are the result of primarily three things: poor choices, shortsighted decisions, and major life shifts. Plainly said, sin is the mode of transportation that carries us into these family situations.

Divorce (Malachi 2:13-16; Matthew 9:3-9)

God hates divorce. Before He says that (Malachi 2:16), He gives some reasons why. He explains that the inevitable tears that follow divorce reflect a broken faith, not only with our spouse, but also with God.

The broken marriage covenant can also cause spiritual damage to the children. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.” (Malachi 2:15a) God’s desire is to see our children raised in the ways of the Lord. Obviously, divorce makes that much more difficult.

So, why then, did God allow divorce at all? Jesus explained, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” (Matthew 9:8) God wanted to use the consequences of divorce to soften those rock solid hearts.

Still, Jesus warned divorce could lead to additional sin. “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 9:8-9)

Sex outside of marriage (Exodus 20:14,Romans 1:21-32)

Yes, despite what the movies, TV, the government, and many of our neighbors and friends say, sex outside of marriage is a sin. “Do not commit adultery” is one of the Ten Commandments!

The culture we live in has decided extramarital sex (including homosexuality) is now acceptable, as long as you participate “safely”. The world has “exchanged the truth of God for a lie,” and God has given them over “in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.” (Romans 1:24-25)

Paul warned us sexual sin could lead to even more corruption, including envy, murder, deceit, malice, gossip, slander, insolence, arrogance, disobedience to parents, and hating God. We become “senseless, faithless, heartless and ruthless.” (Romans 1:31)

In this numbed state, we apparently forget how serious God is about promiscuity. Adultery was actually punishable by death in the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 22:21-24). “Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.” (Romans 1:32)

Death (Genesis 3:22-24, Deuteronomy 25:5-10)

We were created to live forever in the presence of God, but because of sin, we were banished from the Garden of Eden. We were separated from God, and death became a reality.

Even though we brought death on ourselves, God tried to keep families in tact as much as possible. If a man died before fathering any children, his brother was commanded to marry the widow and have children for him. In fact, if the brother-in-law refused, the widow was to “go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face, and say, ‘This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.’” (Deuteronomy 25:9)

This journey of sin has brought us to this place, and now we must learn to deal with the circumstances. A blended family will face far more points of potential conflict than a traditional family. These may include:

- Natural parents vs. stepparents

- Children from your original marriage or former relationships

- Children from your current spouse’s former relationships

- Children from your ex-spouse’s new relationship

- Children from your ex-spouse’s new spouse’s former relationships

In addition, the authority structure becomes a muddle. Who prevails when there is a conflict or disagreement between the slews of potential parental figures?

Every blended family will experience its own unique set of trials along the way. However, there are certain obstacles that can be avoided by any stepparent.

Leave the competitive drive on the field or at the office. (Jeremiah 9:23-24, 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, Psalm 12:2-4)

These are children, not a trophy. You are not in competition with their natural mother or father. Furthermore, this is a battle you cannot win! An old acquaintance once told me “The kids will figure it out. You do not have to tell them.” There is no need to point out to them how great you are in comparison to their natural parent.

No matter what has happened in the past, that person is still their mother or father. No ifs, ands or buts! There are many examples of parents doing unspeakable things and their children still have a bond, allegiance, and love for them. I believe God places a bond between a child and their parents that man cannot duplicate or create. The more we try, the more messed up things become.

For various reasons, you or your spouse may give the impression you are “replacing” their natural parent. Whether intentional or unintentional, this is wrong! One way we do this is by comparing ourselves to them, in a way that portrays ourselves favorably. For example:

1. I make more money

2. I am a Christian and they are not, or a “better Christian” (whatever that means!)

3. I am physically more attractive/athletic

4. I have a better job

5. Your mom or dad chose me over the other parent

In other words, I AM BETTER THEN THEM!

In some cases, this may be true, but it is all relative. Better compared to what? Who are we comparing ourselves to?

“This is what the Lord says: ‘Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,’ declares the Lord.” (Jeremiah 9:23-24)

After all, our decency comes only from the Lord. “It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: ‘Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.’" (1 Corinthians 1:30-31)

Playing the comparison game does nothing but build us up with false pride. It will not strengthen relationships with children, spouses, and most importantly, our relationship with Christ. When you are tempted to blow your own horn, ask yourself these questions:

1. Who will benefit by what I am saying?

2. Is Christ glorified?

3. Is my relationship with my spouse strengthened?

4. Does this encourage and support my children?

Evaluate whether these comparisons help or hinder you in accomplishing the following goals:

1. To positively impact your stepchildren’s lives

2. To be a role model, spiritual leader, and a second mom or dad

3. To be used by God to take a bad situation and bring good from it

Lift up and/or support “the ex” when possible and appropriate (1 Thessalonians 5:10-12, Hebrews 3:12-14, Hebrews 10:25)

Now that you’re done with puffing yourself up, it’s time to look in a new direction. How do you speak to the ex-spouse? How often do you look for opportunities to lift up your child’s natural parent?

Many times, we are looking to do the opposite. We look for ways to “keep them down.” This often just further confuses the children, and we end up with more problems that we started with. It encourages competition between the natural parent and the stepparent, which in turn drives a wedge between you and your child. Then you have given them one more reason to dislike their new stepparent.

Why do we do this? Does it justify our decision to divorce and remarry? Are we trying to help a new spouse assume the role of “father” or “mother” to take the place of the natural parent? Do we want our feelings of hate and disappointment transferred to the children? Once again, our true desire should be to accomplish the goals we set.

God’s Word instructs us to encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). When we do that daily, it prevents both us and “the ex” from being hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Hebrews 3:13). In other words, we won’t believe the lie that the bitterness is just something we will always have to live with.

Building up “the ex” may be very difficult to do in some cases. Ask God to show you positive things about the natural parent. Perhaps they financially support their children or are faithful to remember important days in a child’s life. Maybe they are making positive changes in their lives.

Pray and forgive the natural parent (Psalm 35:12-14, Exodus 23:4-5, Proverbs 24:17, Proverbs 24:29, Proverbs 25:21, 2 Corinthians 2:5-11, Matthew 6:14-15)

I know many people are hurting and have not forgiven the other parent. Even though that person may continue to be a thorn in your side (Psalm 35:12-14), God has commanded you to forgive them, or you will not be forgiven. (Matthew 6:14-15) If you have not done this before getting married, you are just bringing all the old baggage into this new relationship. All the leftover emotion will in turn affect your marriage.

Resist the idea to respond in revenge. “Do not say, ‘I’ll do to him as he has done to me; I’ll pay that man back for what he did.’” (Proverbs 24:29) Instead, begin to pray for them. When you pray for someone, it becomes increasingly difficult to hold on to those feelings of hate, hurt, and bitterness.

Pray for:

1. Their salvation if they are not saved.

2. For their new spouse and/or family if they are remarried.

3. For their relationship with the children.

4. Forgiveness and reconciliation in your relationship with them

If things turn sour between the natural parent and the children, do your best to restore the relationship. "If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, be sure to take it back to him. If you see the donkey of someone who hates you fallen down under its load, do not leave it there; be sure you help him with it.” (Exodus 23:4-5) If you find yourself enjoying the fact that the other parent is having difficulties, confess it and check your attitude (Proverbs 24:17).

So, where do you fit in? As a stepparent, keep your focus simple and pure:

1. Love your spouse; model God’s love and provide him/her with the security that you are not going anywhere.

2. Love the children as your own.

3. Raise them in a Christian home; share and model Christ for them.

4. Help provide for the children’s physical needs

5. Provide a safe environment

Your goal should not be to replace their natural parent. Over time, a child may welcome you into their lives as “Dad or Mom”, but that is their choice, not yours.

Finally, keep your expectations realistic. Life is not “The Brady Bunch” or any other Hollywood scenario. Most days in a blended family will not be neatly wrapped up and tied with a bow. The most spectacular reality, though, is that God is still sovereign over it all. He is “the author and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2) and of our families.

Having "the talk" with girls about romance

Hardly a day goes by that I don't see research or yet another article reminding me to talk to my teenager about sex.

I have yet to see an article suggesting I talk to my daughter about romance.

When I was her age (13), I was not very interested in sex. But I was definitely interested in romance. My mind played a thousand scenarios a day of various boyfriends. They would say the sweetest things to me, look lovingly into my eyes, and hold me in just the right way. These imaginary lovers never pressured me to have sex. They just LOVED me. And let's face it, that's what most females want: to be loved.

My desire to be loved was only fueled by soap operas (daytime and nighttime) and romance novels. My own mother never saw anything wrong with these things; she indulged in them herself. Maybe they weren't dangerous for her. But they drove me into a fantasy world where no real-life man could compete. I began to set expectations that were unrealistic, without even realizing it.

I can honestly say, those mind games were a large factor in ruining my first marriage, which happened at a young age. Eventually, I grew up and learned what was real, but I still grieved for that which might never be.

So I am here today to tell you, before you ever have the sex talk with your daughter, have the romance talk first. If you watch romantic movies or shows together, help her distinguish between what is realistic and what is not. Help her understand what men are really like, putting aside any personal vendettas. Show her what she should expect realistically, and what is merely fantasy.

Someday, you'll still need to have the sex talk. But this will go a long way for now.

Girls more likely to use alcohol/drugs to cope

"She's so moody! Must be hormones." I hear this a lot from parents of teen girls. Yes, young ladies can be all over the map emotionally, but there is usually more to the story than a raging case of PMS. Coming of age is a bit like standing at the edge of a cliff on your tiptoes; one stiff wind and you don't know which way you might be blown. Girls need parents standing between them and that cliff. And this latest research cautions us to be more vigilant than ever.

I'll post the links below, but here's the summation: teenage girls are more likely than teenage boys to perceive potential benefits from drug use and drinking, making teen girls more vulnerable to drug and alcohol abuse. More than two-thirds of teen girls responded positively to the question “using drugs helps kids deal with problems at home” and more than half reported that drugs help teens forget their troubles. Stress has been identified as a key factor leading to drinking, smoking and drug use among girls and more than three times as many young girls as boys reported having symptoms of depression in 2008.

"We've become a society that basically says, 'If things aren't perfect in your life, take a pill,' " says Calvina Fay, executive director of the Drug Free America Foundation. "This causes our young people to see drugs as an answer."

“Parents of teen girls have to be especially attentive to their daughters’ moods and mental health needs, which can have a direct effect on their child’s decision to risk her health by getting high and drinking,” said Partnership for a Drug-Free America President and CEO Steve Pasierb. “Parents can help prevent alcohol and drug abuse by recognizing and addressing their daughters’ worries and stresses, by supporting her positive decisions and by taking immediate action if they suspect or know she has been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.”

Here's what you can do:

1) Spend time with your daughter. The more you get to know her, the more in tune you will be with her moods and emotions.

2) Teach her how to handle emotionally-charged situations in a way that honors God. Moms, that means setting a good example!

3) Pray together during those highly moody times. This teaches her to give it to God. Remind her that emotions are temporary and not always accurate indicators of truth.

4) Have an ongoing conversation at your house about the rules and consequences of drug/alcohol use. This should include talking about how dangerous it can be to use drugs or alcohol as an escape from problems.

5) Ask God daily to protect your daughter from temptations.

Teen girls say kids more likely to drink, do drugs to cope

National Study: New Data Show Teen Girls More Likely to See Benefits in Drug and Alcohol Use

Redeeming the influence of Grandma

“For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.” Colossians 2:9-10

Summer has a way of stirring up childhood memories for me, as if the piercing sunlight illuminates those pockets of recollection.

The cool and bright morning today found me recalling many wonderful summer weeks spent with my grandmother. My grandma was not your typical grandma. She was feisty, fun, and full of life.

No one could make me laugh like Grandma Jess. I can still hear her throaty laugh, often accompanied by a coughing fit (that’s what half a century of smoking will do to you). She couldn’t wait to get the grandkids without their parents so she could show us a good time. All the things we not allowed to do at home, Grandma made sure we got to do at her house. In order to spare my mother, I won’t list them all here...though I suspect she knows anyway!

You see, I grew up in a fairly strict Christian home. Grandma, though I know she believed in God, did not buy into religion or moral law. She was a rule breaker. She grew up in the rural Midwest on a farm. She married young, and she and Grandpa both partied hard. Smoking, drinking, swearing, fighting and cheating. This was in the 1920’s and 1930’s, when such behavior was considered quite scandalous.

Grandma eventually left Grandpa, taking their two children and moving to Omaha. She quit drinking but still lived a pretty wild life for awhile. Years later, she married a military man and lived in several places around the world, but ended up settled back in Omaha.

Her past shaped her into a tough woman, and most people were afraid to cross her. But as fierce as her temper could be, her love was just as intense. You always knew Grandma loved you. When she talked to you, she was genuinely interested in your life, your hopes and dreams. She gave fervent hugs; to this day, I still associate the smells of Tabu and cigarette smoke with being held in her arms.

Until her health declined, she still knew how to have a good time. She could find humor in almost anything, usually by making fun of it. I remember going for walks or laying in bed at night, and all we did was laugh.

Looking back now, I’m somewhat amazed my parents even allowed me to hang out with her. Let’s face it, she wasn’t exactly a godly influence! But I’m so glad they did, because I’m pretty sure she cultivated some good character traits in me. I believe my ability to connect with teenagers grew out of my relationship with Grandma. I think I learned to love people in spite of their bad behavior through knowing Grandma. And I know without a doubt that she taught me how to loosen up and have fun.

Reflecting on all of this reminds me that I don’t have to be so protective of my children. God redeemed what appeared to be profane and turned it into something beautiful. He did it in my life, and He can do it in my children’s lives too.

Sex Talk: I Agree With Kim Cattrall?

I agree with Kim Cattrall. There's a statement I never thought I'd make. Even more surprising, I agree with something she said about sex.

In an interview with the Telegraph, the actress reportedly said that her show "Sex And The City" helps parents find a way to broach the topic of sex with their teenagers. And I agree.

Now before you get upset and send me hate mail, let me explain. I'm not suggesting you encourage your teens to watch SATC just so you can have a conversation about sex. However, let's face it, many of them have seen the show and/or the movies. If your teen has, it is indeed a great way to open up the topic of sex. In particular, it's a great way to illustrate the pitfalls of not following God's plan in the area of sexuality. The women of SATC have been pursuing a lifestyle of casual, unmarried sex for...how many years? And where has it gotten them? Most of the time they are miserable and angst-ridden, and that depiction is at least true-to-life.

Shows like SATC can actually open dialogue about ways to deal with living counter to the secular world. Most Christian teens want to be "in the world, not of it," but we can never assume they know how to do that.

As Christians, we spend an awful lot of time complaining about the culture. I say it's time we use it to our advantage.

How dads show their love - and how they can do it better

I'll never forget my first car - a yellow Volkswagen bug without working heat. I got it in college (yes, that's right, in the days when turning 16 didn't mean you were entitled to receive a car!). It wasn't much, but it got me from point A to point B.

After I got the car, every time I would call home, I got frustrated with my dad because all he wanted to talk about was the car. He wanted to know if it was running ok, if I had changed the oil and checked the tire pressure, and if I had shopped around for the best insurance. I began to think he cared more about the car than he did about me!

Years later, someone explained to me that this is one way fathers express their love for their children. When a dad asks about your car, he's really saying, "I love you and want to make sure you are safe and taken care of."

After reading the article below, I believe this is another way dads express their love - through teaching. Dads love to share their wisdom and their greatest parenting successes are often wrapped up in a skill they've taught their child.

Just like I got frustrated with my dad, many kids get frustrated over being "taught" by their fathers. They don't understand the love behind the action, and they desire to be loved for who they are, not who they might become.

If any teens are reading this, I hope you will give your dads a huge dose of grace by realizing their actions are motivated by love. Dads, you are important and needed, and I hope this article helps you focus on enjoying your child, just as he or she is.

Does Everything Have to Be a Learning Experience?

How to protect your kids from revealing their location on social networks

Locational Apps: Tips for Parents

Helping our daughters discern the truth about beauty

A great friend sent me the link to this fabulous blog post entitled, "Who Is the Beholder of Your Beauty?"

Those of us with daughters are constantly battling society's messages in regards to physical beauty, and it is so important to help our girls grow up with a God-centered view of themselves. The author eloquently points her daughter in the right direction, while rightly admitting how difficult that can be in the light of self-examination!

Social networks that are not for kids

Just came across this excellent link to Common Sense Media's review of some newer social networks that present a potential danger to teens and pre-teens.

From the article:

"New programs called social mapping applications use geographic information to connect people to specific places, as well as to each other. You may have heard of some of the most popular ones: Loopt, foursquare, and Gowalla. Once you join up, these applications track every movement you make. And that's what makes social mapping a no-go for kids and teens. These programs bring up two big issues: safety and privacy. Since they follow your location, they expose your kid's whereabouts to anyone they "friend" -- or, in some cases, to any other user of the program."

For the full article, click here: Beyond Facebook: Social Networking Gets Really Personal

Consequences of a moral fall...for teens

I am very excited to post an article co-written by my former pastor and good friend, Dr. David Holt. This one is worth printing off for your teens. :)

Consequences of a moral fall … for teens

Dr. David Holt & Lisa Grant

Recently I (David) put Randy Alcorn’s article from an old Leadership magazine titled “Consequences of a Moral Fall” on my blog. In this article, Alcorn gives a long list of possible consequences if he were to have an affair. He said he found it helpful to review this list any time he felt particularly vulnerable or tempted to sin.

After reading my blog, Lisa Grant (who has her own blog for parents of teens) asked if I knew of such a list for teens who struggle with sexual temptation. I told her I did not, but we should come up with one together. Thus, this blog that Lisa and I are writing together.

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Every day, teens must manage the transition from childhood impulsivity to adult self-control. Raging hormones and societal or peer pressure only add fuel to the fire in the area of sexual temptation.

When I (Lisa) counsel young Christian women, I advise them to develop a list of standards before they begin dating. This might include situations to avoid, how far they will go, and how they plan to keep themselves accountable. The list below would be additionally helpful to carry on a date, serving as reminders of the potential fallout of giving in to temptation.

CONSQUENCES OF SEXUAL SIN FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

If I have premarital sex or go too far with someone, here are some possible consequences of that act:

1. Possible pregnancy and all the responsibilities that come with having a child, as well as possibly affecting my future education and career.

2. Experiencing a guilty conscience.

3. Weight of responsibility for causing another to sin.

4. Having a difficult time erasing the sin from my memory. God forgives and forgets my sin, but I will never forget.

5. Developing a “soul tie” (an unhealthy emotional and spiritual attachment) with the person I am intimate with. It’s like giving away a piece of my heart, and I will never get it back.

6. The danger of giving myself to someone who has not made a life-long commitment to me.

7. Probably needing to tell my future spouse at the time of engagement and the embarrassment that comes from this.

8. The possibility of acquiring a sexually transmitted disease, which, if not cured, could be passed on to anyone else I have relations with, including my future spouse. Remember, when I have sex with someone, it is as if I am having sex with everyone they have had sex with.

9. The loss of a special wedding night.

10. Once married, the regret that I was with someone other than my spouse.

11. The poor example and possible cause of hindrance to all my friends who learn about this. There may even be a loss of friendships.

12. Causing disappointment and shame to my parents, as well as loss of trust.

13. Damaging my credibility with younger siblings or others who look up to me.

14. Loss of dignity and regard for self.

15. Most importantly, it will hinder my relationship with God – as all sin does.

Let us be very clear - if you have already fallen into sexual sin, there is forgiveness and healing available through the blood of Jesus Christ. He, and He alone, can cleanse at the deepest level. “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sin and to cleanse of all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). “He who conceals his sin shall not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes it shall find mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

There will still be consequences for your sin, but your relationship with God can be fully restored, and you can be given a fresh start. Often, it is additionally helpful to share your struggle with a trusted friend who can help you through the healing process. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Finally, as you seek to move beyond your sin, remember that you cannot do it in your own power. You need to be filled with the Holy Spirit each and every day if you want to live in obedience to God and resist the many temptations that will come your way.

May God bless you as you remain in the one true love, the love of Jesus Christ.