Confused by teen or pre-teen daughter?

"I just do not understand girls." I hear this mostly from dads, but occasionally moms are also confused by what their daughters are thinking or feeling. And usually with teen or pre-teen girls, it is ALL about what they are feeling!

I came across this great website recently, which is a wonderful resource for anyone with daughters age 8 and up: Discover Your Daughter. This is not a Christian website, but I have not seen anything inappropriate or counter to Christian beliefs on the site. It has great articles for you and for your daughter as well.

For dads, I also highly recommend the book, What I Wish You Knew from American Girl. Moms, a must read is Mom, I Hate My Life by Sharon Hersh.

Finally, I am re-posting below the most requested article from PARENtEEN over the years, "Raising Junior High Girls." It's long, but worth the read!

RAISING JUNIOR HIGH GIRLS

Heather Flies knows junior high girls! Not only was she once one, but she has spent several years working with them as a youth leader and now as a junior high youth pastor. Heather is the junior high youth pastor at Wooddale Church in Eden Prairie, MN. She is also a member of The Core (Youth Specialties) training team.

Here's the transcript of the conversation with Heather...

Talk to us about your history of working with junior high girls.

Actually, my experience with junior high girls started when I was just out of junior high myself. After I had finished the 9th grade, I went up to a camp in northern Minnesota to be a counselor-in-training for the week. It was a camp that I had gone to all of my life, but when I got up there they were short on counselors. Because they knew me, they put me into a cabin with eleven 11-year olds for the entire week. So, there I was, at fourteen, with eleven 11-year olds for a full week. I loved it, and I apparently did a great job and continued to go back there every summer all the way through my college years. During my college years, I was full time there.

It seemed that every time a junior high week rolled around, it was my favorite week of the summer; I just loved junior high girls. I actually went to another church after that experience where I worked with senior high girls and I enjoyed that, too, but what I found was that a lot of the senior high girls had built some walls up around their hearts and were carrying some baggage from decisions made earlier on and they were a little harder to get to than junior high girls. When I came to Wooddale about six years ago and began to work with junior high girls again, my heart slid right into place where it was before, and I have been doing that for the last six years. I just really enjoy it.

How would you best describe junior high girls? What words or phrases would you use?

I think they're definitely sincere, insecure, searching, social, becoming self aware, competitive, exclusive, hungry for affection, energetic, and they're very relational.

During the junior high years, for girls especially, friends are so important - whether through phone conversations, sleepovers, or passing notes between classes. All of my junior high girls love pictures; they bring picture albums with them to our Wednesday night meetings to show everybody, and they have pictures all over their rooms. Sometimes their friends actually define who they are and where they are in their social status. The social piece is so important for junior high girls.

As far as being hungry for affection, I just see that junior high girls want hugs; they want touching. They love it when I braid their hair, they love it when I hug them (and I consider myself a professional hugger, so it's perfect for that!). They love attention, and it's not just the kids who come from a home where that's not given to them. I have one girl in my group who comes from a very solid home where mom and dad both love her and show that love continuously, but every Wednesday and every Sunday she comes to find me for her weekly hug. It's just kind of a standard, and if she doesn't get it, she's pretty upset the next week when she comes to find me. They love to be paid attention to and to have undivided attention from adults; it's really important.

As far as becoming self aware and being insecure...there are so many challenges as a junior high girl and so many changes that are going on inside of them and around them that they just begin to be aware of their insecurities, the ways they struggle, things they're not too confident about, and they begin to take things very personally. Often times that goes hand in hand with the insecurity. If they are ignored by a friend or if a parent reprimands them or something happens in a class setting, they just take it so personally and have a really hard time getting past that insult or harsh word.

Talk about the changes that a girl goes through socially and emotionally from the ages of about eleven to thirteen. Help parents know what to expect.

I minister to seventh through ninth graders, so I get them in those three years where so many changes are going on. I think before we even touch on the social and emotional aspects, we've got to touch on the physical. Between the ages of eleven and thirteen, so many physical changes are happening that are directly related to the emotional and social changes for a girl. Physically, their hips begin to expand, their breasts begin to develop, they start to get taller than the guys in their class, they have hormones running through them, and menstruation starts during that time. So, here they are with all of these things changing in their bodies that are very visible to other people - it's not just internal stuff - and I think because of that a lot of social and emotional changes come out of that.

Socially, some of the girls are developing and being noticed by boys and others are not, so for some girls that's a really crazy thought that a guy is going to notice her because of how she looks. For others, it's a saddening thought wondering why guys don't pay attention to them anymore. Also, I think there is a constant connection with friends and it begins to become very enmeshed. Girls will share every moment of their day with their friends. They will call each other in the morning to find out what they're going to wear and try to match their clothes or not match their clothes. The relationships just become so important in that social aspect.

Emotionally, because of all those chemicals and hormones running through them, sometimes junior high girls can be very irrational, and when you try to have a conversation they surprise you with where they go or how emotional they get. They cry very easily and like I said, they take everything so personally. They often find themselves in extremes; either they're very, very hyper, or they're incredibly down. It can be in a matter of fifteen minutes that that changes! For parents, I understand that it has to be so frustrating, but all of this is really natural and obviously essential for girls to go through.

Talk to dads of junior high girls on the importance of remaining affectionate with their daughters even when it feels awkward. Girls need their dad's affection more than ever at this age, don't they?

That's right; it's so important. Research and my ministry experience show that girls who have steady, close, and affectionate relationships with their dad will then have healthy, steady relationships with guys - whether in friendships or dating relationships in their future. When dads continue affection throughout the life of a girl and especially throughout her adolescent years, he begins to fill her emotional tank, her affection tank. If it doesn't get filled at home, the girls will go other places to get it filled.

Even though it's uncomfortable and a little awkward, I really want to encourage dads that girls need it and even if they don't vocalize it, they want it. If you, as a parent, consistently show that affection to your daughter, that's not going to be something that's rare or something that she's going to need to go out to look for in somebody else.

As far as some practical advice there, I would say to be consistent. If one of your routines with your daughter was to go in and sit with her on her bed at night, continue to do that even when she is an adolescent - even though you might not be sure where to sit, how long to stay in there, or what to talk about. It just provides a consistency that is so important in a time in her life when nothing else seems to be consistent. Be sensitive to her nonverbals and to her verbals. If she pulls away, be sensitive to that and maybe don't hug her in that setting (maybe when friends are around or in a public place). Be sensitive to that.

Also, don't take things personally; this is a very natural developmental stage that your daughter is going through. She's trying to figure out her independence from you, and sometimes she's not sure. Sometimes she wants to crawl on your lap and have you hug her and hold her, and other times she wants you to walk four feet behind her in the mall, so don't take it personally.

The last thing is to take every moment you can get with your daughter; even if it happens late at night when she comes home from being out with friends (and the last thing you want to do is hear about makeup or a boy!). When she comes and jumps on your bed or says, "Hey, can we talk?" drop whatever you're doing because it's so important. There are going to be times where that becomes less and less, and you're going to wish you had taken the time to listen.

A lot of parents struggle with how to stay close to their junior higher because she strongly desires to be with her friends and not with her family. What can a parent do to stay connected with their junior high daughter when she's got her eyes pointed outward?

Understand that it's natural that she wants to be with her friends, and don't take it personally. Be involved in her activities outside of the home whether it be the color guard competition, chess club, choir, or cheerleading. It's so important for parents to be religiously involved in her activities outside of the home because it helps her to understand that things that are important to her are also important to her parents.

I also think it is essential for parents to open their home to the friends of their daughter. Girls love to be together and they love to have a place to be together. I remember having other friends who opened their home. I loved to be there. We had a lot of interaction with the parents, and the parents got to know us. I know that sometimes it gets really loud and crazy, and you want them to turn the television down and close the nail polish, but you are going to be so thankful that you had that activity in your home and that you were able to get to know your daughter's friends.

Also, listen during carpool conversations. That's my favorite thing to do when I drive the bus as part of my ministry. I love to listen in on conversations that are going on, because you can get to know a lot about the girls and about their friends through that. Ask questions; I know there are some parents whose kids say they ask too many questions, but when you ask questions you're showing that you care and that you want to be involved.

I would reiterate again to be available when the girls want to talk. I have one girl in my ministry whose name is Krista, and she loves to talk. Sometimes when she talks, I'm not quite sure what she's talking about, but I listen. I give her my attention, because I know that someday she's going to come with something that's going to be hard to talk about. She's going to want to know that I'm going to listen to her.

Staying connected with your daughter also means explaining that freedom is a privilege and is given when kids are responsible and consistent in their behavior. I think it's important to set consistent family times where your family is together. Take the time to explain the importance of that to your daughter. Make those times fun so that your daughter wants to be there. I think holding that standard in your family is an important part of the week and an important part of your life together.

What advice can you give to parents on how much to allow and where to draw the line when it comes to their daughters being on the phone and the computer?

In my ministry to families, I've seen a great deal of success when parents use the phone and the e-mail privilege as rewards for homework and chores being done. I think it encourages priorities and it serves as a privilege to the responsible and consistent child. I guess if you have a child who doesn't come home with much homework or the chores get done really quickly, then it would be important to set a time limit whether it's something like three phone conversations per evening or being on the Internet for one hour. Set that boundary because the truth is if no boundaries are set, kids would go until 2:00 a.m. or 3:00 a.m. interacting with people on the phone or via the computer!

I think there's the same idea with sleepovers and outings with friends. If your child handles responsibility well, if they call and tell you they're going to be somewhere, or they're not cranky after a sleepover and they can actually handle the day that's going on, then I think it's a healthy thing and you can allow them to do sleepovers and be out with friends because you're seeing a responsibility there. This really means that parents need to be attentive to the behavior of their child, their child's friends, the movies they're seeing, and so on.

Let me mention the latest trend among junior high and high school students: coed sleepovers. They're a huge rage in our part of the country, and I heard of a situation a couple of months ago where a coed sleepover was going to be happening with some younger high school students. One of the moms called over to the house to just say, "Tell me what's going on and what kind of supervision there's going to be" and the mom of the home said, "You know, you're the only parent that has called out of 40 parents. You're the only one who was intentional enough to ask some questions about what was going to be going on." As a result, she chose not to allow her daughter to go, which I'm very thankful for. As parents, you need to take the time to figure out what your daughter is involved in and make sure that she's being responsible.

The whole idea of a coed sleepover scares me to death as a parent!

It's becoming rampant. It scares me because of the intimacy that is being lost. Kids say to me, "Heather, we're not doing anything physical or sexual," but anybody who is married knows that there is an intimacy that comes out of waking up next to somebody or seeing somebody in their pajamas or having breakfast together. There's an intimacy there, and those kids are experiencing that at age 15. It really saddens my heart.

Talk to parents about how they can successfully navigate their junior high girls through the boy minefield. How should parents deal with girls who are boy crazy?

I would say the first thing is to be open to talk about the idea of relationships and boys. Share your experiences as parents because the truth is, many of your kids don't think you were ever there and don't think that you ever had hormones rage through you or that you ever really liked somebody like they do. Sometimes it means being vulnerable. Some of us adults have stories in our past that we don't want to admit, especially in the arena of relationships and sexual stuff. The truth is, your kids are going to listen more and respect you more when you do share those stories.

When I was in ninth grade, I was dating a guy who was older than me. My mom was not too comfortable talking about sexual stuff, but she took me to McDonald's and as we were eating a cone, she said, "Heather, don't go parking in cars with boys!" That's all she said! I couldn't quite understand what she was getting at, but I said, "Okay."

What I found out later was that my mom struggled with some physical boundaries specifically when she would go in cars with boys when she was in high school. That warning was coming out of a situation from her past. Let's just think of how much more effective that conversation would have been had my mom said, "Heather, when I was your age I really struggled with the physical boundaries when I would go in cars with boys, so I just want to tell you to be really careful and be really smart when you're in a car with a boy."

I think it's huge for parents to be open and vulnerable with their kids. For me, when I'm talking to a junior high girl, and she starts talking about a guy she's crazy about, I bring her back to his character. I do that by asking her, "What are your three favorite nonphysical things about this guy?" Sometimes girls have a really hard time coming up with three nonphysical things because they're so focused on the physical. That can usually lead me into a conversation about if they think this guy is really good for them if they haven't yet discovered his character.

I think it's also important for parents to celebrate the fact that their daughter likes boys, but not to allow it to consume conversation or to consume the home. The truth is, it's really important to this junior high girl; this new relationship is very important, so if we don't acknowledge it, we're really doing a disservice. But if we allow it to consume conversation in the home, then we're also doing a disservice. There has to be a balance there.

I also would say to have reasons for boundaries that you set in the area of boy relationships. With so many parents it's that magical age of sixteen. Once you become sixteen, then you can date. I would encourage parents to have a reason for that, because we all know that our kids don't wake up on the morning of their sixteenth birthday and suddenly they're more responsible and more mature! Some kids are able to handle situations like that at age fourteen, and others should wait until they're eighteen. Parents should really think through things and ask questions like these, "Why do you think you shouldn't be over at his house without his parents there? Why do you think you should have a limited amount of time on the phone with this guy?"

If your daughter likes a guy, invite him to a sporting event with your family, or invite him to come over and hang out. Do this so that you have a chance to see this guy's character, and he has a chance to become involved with your family.

Lastly, I would say that it's so important for you as parents to be aware of the sexual pressures that your daughters are facing. Research shows that oral sex is on the rise among teenagers. Doctors are finding deep throat infections in teenage girls because of all the sexual activity that is going on. I talk all the time with girls in junior high who are experiencing this and are being pressured in this area. Some of them are walking into that temptation and falling to that pressure of oral sex, so it's not enough anymore for parents to have one conversation when their daughter is eight years old about sex; it needs to be a continual conversation, and it needs to include the topic of oral sex because it is a huge issue in junior highs all across America.

What inroads can parents use to successfully connect spiritual truths with their junior high daughters? Talk to us about principles and strategies that you have seen work.

Because girls, junior high girls especially, are so relational, I've found that personal stories and biblical stories are the best way to teach them biblical truths. During one of our love, sex, and dating series last year, I shared a story with my girls about how I liked this guy in college and was so disappointed when he didn't like me back. I found out a couple months later when he was engaged to another girl that he actually slept with his old girlfriend during the time he was engaged to this other girl. What I shared with my girls is that this was not personal rejection, it was for my protection. God was protecting me from a harmful situation.

One of my eighth grade girls came up to me a couple of weeks later and said, "Heather, I remember that story that you told about that guy and how you said it's not personal rejection, it's for my own protection. Last week when my boyfriend broke up with me, I said that to myself over and over and over again." She remembered that because it was connected to a relationship story, so I think that's really important.

Obviously, the biblical stories of Ruth and Esther and Mary, the mother of Jesus, and so many other stories can really relate spiritual truth to junior high girls. I have fun taking social activities and turning them into spiritual discussions for girls who are more into the abstract thinking (that usually happens around the ninth grade). If we're at an amusement park, and we're riding the merry go round or a roller coaster, I'll just throw out something like "how can life be like a merry go round? How can life be like a roller coaster?" They love that kind of stuff, and they'll start talking and interacting about what that's like and you can begin to have a spiritual discussion with them.

Girls love poems, stories, books like Chicken Soup for the Soul, and romance stories, so anytime you can use something like that, it will draw a junior high girl in right away. Then you can apply biblical truth directly to that story, and they will remember it because of that story element.

Parents are waiting too long to have the "sex talk"

A recent study shows more than forty percent of adolescents had intercourse before they ever had a conversation with their parents about sex. A Time Magazine article (link here) comments:

"That trend is troublesome, say experts, since teens who talk to their parents about sex are more likely to delay their first sexual encounter and to practice safe sex when they do become sexually active. And, ironically, despite their apparent dread, kids really want to learn about sex from their parents, according to study after study on the topic."

I know talking to your kids about sex seems awkward and uncomfortable, but because they are exposed to the topic so much in today's culture, it's important to start young and continue the conversation. The article suggests one way to spark discussion is to address a mention of sex or sexuality on a TV show. This gives you the opportunity to teach your kids Biblical values about sex. If you're really stumped about what to say, just ask one simple question: Do you have any questions about sex?

A couple of things caught my attention in the article. Forty percent of girls said they had not talked with their parents about how to refuse sex. This should be at the top of the list for both boys and girls when having discussions about sex. Tell your kids the lines they likely will hear when being pressured to have sex (we've all heard them!), and give them specific ways to respond.

Another aspect highlighted in the article was this: "'A lot of parents think they had a conversation, and the kids don't remember it at all,' says Dr. Karen Soren, director of adolescent medicine at New York Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital. 'Parents sometimes say things more vaguely because they are uncomfortable and they think they've addressed something, but the kids don't hear the topic at all.'" In other words, be specific!

There is one thing Christian parents should be mindful of which the article does not cover. Sex is about more than health and pregnancy (although those are both extremely important!). God created sex to be a beautiful expression of love in marriage. We should strive to emphasize the goodness of it when it is exercised according to God's plan. If kids hear this message above and beyond the "don't do it" message, they will be encouraged to wait.

Advice for grownups

Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been neck deep in youth ministry projects, as well as writing a book with my daughter. For more info about that, check out Kelsey's blog at: The Book

I did want to let you know about an interesting resource that came my way recently. Josh Shipp is a motivational speaker for youth who also has an online advice show for teens. He has been dubbed the "Dear Abby for teens." He just launched a new site with advice for adults who interact with teens: Hey Josh for Grown-Ups

The site includes the 5 mistakes almost everyone makes in communicating with teens, Josh's top 3 secrets for effectively communicating with teens, life lessons from 12 parents, and a place to ask teens anything.

This is not a Christian site, and I do not know anything of Shipp's faith. However, his advice is sound, and there's plenty of insight into the teen mind. It's definitely worth your time.

Shipp is also starring in a new reality TV show, "Jump Shipp", on Halogen on October 24. The show features Shipp as he intervenes in the life of a young adult to help them avoid the dreaded “quarter-life crisis.” By offering them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live out their dreams, Josh shows that quitting or jumping ship isn’t for losers. For a sneak peek, click here: Jump Shipp

Help! My kid wants a tattoo!

Not any of my kids (they are are averse to needles like their mother), but an increasing number of teens want to get a tattoo.

Today my former pastor blogged about guiding a young person through this decision, and his counsel is so wise, I had to share it with you all.

To Tattoo Or Not To Tattoo

What you don't know might hurt them

"My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble." Proverbs 3:21-23 (NIV)

According to Common Sense Media's latest poll (click here), parents are clueless. What else is new?

In addition to not knowing what our kids are texting, we are also ignorant about what they are doing online. We think we know, because we have filters and passwords, but we don't know. They are sharing personal information, setting up social network accounts under false identities, illegally downloading files, and hacking into each other's accounts. And less than half the parents are aware they are doing it.

This is a good reminder to talk to your teens about the importance of integrity online. Many kids do not realize the potential consequences of posting things online. Once something is online, it may be difficult or impossible to delete it. It's also important to get teens thinking about the reliability of what they are seeing and reading on the internet. Help them learn to be discerning and wise.

Encourage your kids to be a positive force online, to shine some light in the darkness. Brainstorm ways for them to show love to others, such as leaving encouraging comments on Facebook pages. And when others spew hatred and make vile comments, help them respond in love.

It's also good to remember that our parents didn't know everything we were doing either. Pray and ask God to reveal anything you need to know about your child. He loves our children even more than we do, and "He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Corinthians 4:5)

Finally, give your teens the opportunity to prove themselves responsible. Spy less, talk more.

Praying for you and your children,

Lisa

Songs without explicit lyrics not necessarily 'clean'

"Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." Proverbs 20:11

I came across this blog the other day and thought I would share it. It's about parents who think they are protecting their children from the nastiness of the entertainment industry, when in fact, their kids are being exposed to a lot of suggestive and raw material. It's quite eye opening, especially if you are not one to check out lyrics or music videos.

Look Mom, no cuss words! It must be clean!

I love the questions he asks - can you answer them?

• Do you know what the most popular song is on Itunes right now?
• Is it explicit?
• Have you seen the video?

I'll add my own question. Do you know what your child's favorite song is right now?

Biblical parenting or overprotective?

My 12-year-old daughter announced tonight that her friend's mother thinks I am overprotective. This is apparently largely based on the fact that I have not allowed my daughter to read Twilight (or see the movie, which is rated PG-13).

Although my first reaction to this criticism was to feel offended, I managed to respond to my daughter with, "That's all right. She's entitled to her opinion." I then began my own mental criticisms of the mother in question and decided without a doubt that she was wrong.

After my emotions began to calm, I decided I needed to forgive her. After all, she is not a follower of Christ, so why would she understand? It also occurred to me that I've actually been criticized by Christian parents for not being strict enough.

Now it's time for me to take these things to prayer and ask God if this is still what He wants me to do. Is it possible He used a non-believer to get me to re-evaluate? Sometimes it's just easier to institute rules because we "think" it's the right thing to do, or because it's what all the other Christian parents are doing. I want to make sure I'm in line with His Word and His ways, which are so much better than mine.

Praying for you and your children,

Lisa

P.S. My daughter and I have talked about the reasons why I don't want her to read Twilight yet. Notice I said "yet." If she wants to read it in a few years, that's fine with me. My issue is not with the vampires, it's with the obsessive behavior of the girl over a boy. I just don't think girls need any encouragement in that area! We have also talked about the obsessive behavior of fans, and I'm trying to help her realize that Twilight is a fad that will pass away.

Success and parenting teens

"Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you." Proverbs 4:6

Parents, you know you are looking for an excuse to take a break, so here it is. Grab a cup of coffee and read on. This is worth it.

The following are excerpts from an article entitled "What Is 'Success' In Parenting Teens?", which is an interview with Dr. Paul Tripp. I highly recommend you read the entire article (click the link above, click to page 8 or choose to download the entire issue), but here are a few excellent snippets:

"Unfortunately, western culture has had a terribly cynical view of the teen years. People tend to see teenagers as a collection of raging, rebel hormones encased in skin. Of course, the idea is that you can’t talk to a hormone. I read someone who put it very well. He said that if you add the word “teenage” to any other word, it becomes a negative. Take “teenage driver.” That’s a simple instance of how this particular age group attracts cynicism. The problem with this way of looking at teens is that it’s a subtle denial of the Gospel. Actually, what we’re really saying is that there’s a class of people for whom the Gospel won’t work. That’s a devastating theology."

"…simply surviving your teens is not enough of a goal. In a sense, having survival as a goal is selfish because it’s focused simply on getting yourself through a difficult time. The other problem with having survival as a goal is that, as parents, we tend to settle for external, behaviorist sorts of goals. We try to deal with our kids according to the Nike way—“Just do it!” Children who have only had parents who want to regulate and control their behaviour don’t have much when they leave the home."

"Christian parents can be very successful at creating a new generation of young Pharisees who live with no sense of need for the Gospel at all, because they’re quite good at keeping external rules. That’s pretty scary to me."

"What’s the real problem that teenagers face? Is it their hormones or is it their hearts? The world says it’s their hormones; but the Bible says, in literally hundreds of ways, that human beings live out of their hearts."

"Imagine that you have an apple tree in the backyard. Now this particular tree produces horrible apples year after year. So I say to my wife, “I think I can fix our apple tree.” So I go out with a big ladder and cut off all the old apples. Then I nail delicious red apples all over the tree. I stand back, and from 50 feet it now looks like a good apple tree. But we all know what’s going to happen, don’t we? Those apples are going to rot, too, because if the tree is consistently producing bad apples, then there’s something wrong with the system, right down to its roots. We all realize that we won’t solve the problem by nailing apples onto the tree. But this is the problem with much of modern child-rearing, even in Christian circles. A lot of what we call biblical parenting is nothing more than apple-nailing. And what happens is that six weeks later, or perhaps six months or six years, the child or youth is right back to where they were before."

"Try this as an experiment. Imagine someone shooting a video of every waking moment of your life over the last six weeks. What would it reveal about the things you are serving? What would you say is really important to you? You hear parents confess their idolatry in roundabout ways all the time: “I do all this for you and this is the thanks I get?” Or a father says “How dare you do this to me!” as if the child has plotted against him. I guess it feels personal to a parent because the child has prevented him from serving the idol that’s ruling his life."

"...worship isn’t first an activity for human beings; worship is first an identity. We are worshippers; you can’t not worship. We are always in the service of something. And if I’m not serving God in the life of my teenager, then I’m serving other things."

"...the book of Proverbs is very clear in reminding us that teenagers don’t usually hunger for wisdom and correction. I’ve never had one of my kids say to me, “As I was riding the bus home from school I was thinking, ‘Dad, you’re a really wise man. I’d just love to sit at your feet and drink in some more of your wisdom,’ or ‘Dad, I realize that when you correct me you are showing me your love. Would you like to correct me some more?’ ” So what should be my

goal here? As a parent I realize that wisdom is crucial to pleasing God, and yet it’s not the thing for which my teenager tends to hunger. So now I’ve got my job description. It’s to sell my teenager something that he is not seeking. And so I decide that I’ll model being a wise man. I want to show him that wisdom is a beautiful and wonderful thing. And I want to sell wisdom to him so that he becomes a really keen consumer."

"Another characteristic of teenagers is that they tend to be very legalistic. They don’t particularly love God’s law, they frequently debate the boundaries and they’re very boundary oriented. I tell people that if God’s law is like a fence, then my kids grew up with fence marks on their faces. As teens they were always pressing against the fence. Now you don’t solve the problem of teenage legalism by debating where the boundary is. Why? Because a child who is pressing his face against the fence is believing a very significant lie. The lie is that the good stuff is out there and God is keeping him from it. What I need to do is turn his body to the inside of the yard and show him the glory of what God has called us to."

"I tell parents it’s like this: you can’t stand next to a puddle for too long without being splashed by its mud. The fact is that every parent of a teen is dealing with a person who is struggling to come to terms with life. We also must realize that every teenager is a sinner and is trying to learn how to live in God’s world, learning what it means to be godly and learning the dangers of sin. There’s no possible way that that won’t have a huge impact on my life. And that’s why people don’t like their teenagers."

"I want pre-sanctified, self-parenting children. I want children that I can always take to a restaurant without being embarrassed. I want kids who will do their homework without me being on their backs. I want an easy life for myself. And frankly, I never expected that becoming a parent meant that I would have to lay my life down for my kids. But that’s exactly what God calls me to do. My redemption cost Christ not only His glory; it also cost Him His life. That’s the model."

"One humbling thing that I’ve realized is that there are few struggles in the life of my teenager that I don’t recognize in my own heart as well. For instance, imagine my child has gotten into trouble because he’s procrastinated on a school assignment until the night before and he can’t possibly get it done. But haven’t I done the same? Of course I have. And when I realize that, I don’t come to him and say, “How dare you! How could you? In my day I would have never thought of doing this!” Instead, I come as a fellow sinner. It’s at this point that my dealings with him are based on the gospel rather than law. Here’s my opportunity to point him to Christ. So I say: “Son, there’s a rescue provided for us in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. There’s hope for both of us. I need it every bit as much as you do. And I stand with you. However, don’t expect me to write a note to the teacher to get you out of the assignment.” So you see, it’s a whole different approach. I actually think that the self-righteous—“I’m more righteous than you”— approach closes down teenagers; it doesn’t open them up at all. That’s why Christian parents shouldn’t use it."

"My problem with a lot of parenting is that it is reactive; it’s not goal-driven. Something comes up and I react to it. However, Scripture expects us to move well beyond reactive parenting. It sets us heart goals. And so when I am helping my teens deal with issues of dating, or use of the car, or behavior at school, their individual situation gives me a God-given opportunity to help them advance in one of these areas of heart goals. So, for each of my children, I have tried to look through the individual situation to the goal for their hearts that I’m seeking to achieve."

We have to get to the point where we realize that there is no hope apart from Christ. If I could turn the human heart by the force of my voice, or the strength of my personality, or the logic of my argument, or the wisdom of my parenting strategies, then Jesus would never have needed to come. So, as a parent, I’ve hit something that I can’t do by myself. And it makes me angry. It frustrates me. It discourages me. You see, what I want is some “instant fix.” Give me the three steps to producing godliness in kids. The Bible doesn’t do that. It doesn’t give us a system of redemption; it gives us a Redeemer."

Parents should remember that the best climate for a relationship is a climate of honesty and humility. I have watched restoration take place when parents are willing to begin to be honest about their own struggle. One of the things that drives teenagers crazy is parents who are all talk but no action. They hold up standards but never keep them themselves. I mean, how can you talk about grace but be bitter and angry?"

One of the ways I preach the Gospel is declaring my own need for it. And that can be done casually. I was talking to my 17-year-old son recently. I felt I’d been impatient with him. And I said: “It’s not going to be any surprise to you that I’m going to say I’m a sinner.” Well, he laughed at that, because I also said: “You have a robust experience of the same.” Then I said, “You know there are times when I think of myself more than you, and last night was one of those times.” And he said, “I do the same thing with you Dad, and I forgive you.” After that exchange there was a warmth between us. However, there would have been a very different outcome if I had said: “You know, you really ought to be glad that you have a dad like me. I’m always going out of my way for you. Why do you mess up all the time after all I’ve done for you?” You see, it would’ve been a whole different ball game."

"The point is this: if I’m willing to admit my need of Christ, then I come before my child with the evidence of what he also should do. He has not only seen his need, but he has seen the changes Christ is able to do in me. I’m preaching the gospel just by living my life. I think that’s a very powerful thing. And I think it’s an opportunity that we miss, because we believe that if we admit sin, then we compromise our authority. My authority is representative anyway, it’s not based on my righteousness, it’s based on Christ. And I think that’s the way that I can be an instrument in Christ’s hands."

Does your kid cheat?

For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. Philippians 1:10 (NLT)

Does your kid cheat? Before you say no, look at this research from Common Sense Media:

• 35 percent of teens with cell phones admit to cheating at least once with them
• Two-thirds of all teens say others in their school cheat with cell phones
• 52 percent of teens admit to some form of cheating involving the internet

There appears to be a real problem here, but other parts of the research reveal a more disturbing issue:

• 23 percent of teens say that storing notes on a cell phone to access during a test isn't cheating at all
• 20 percent say that texting friends about answers during tests is not cheating at all

And finally, parents are in denial about the possibility of their own children participating in cheating:

• 76 percent of parents say cell phone cheating happens at their child's school
• 3 percent of parents say their child has ever cheated with cell phones

I call this the "Not my kid!" syndrome. We never want to think our children, who we are raising with high moral standards, would ever stoop to cheating.

If there's one thing I've learned through years of parenting and working with teens, it's that you can never assume anything. Never assume your child knows right from wrong, even if you've said it a million times. Never assume your teen is not susceptible to peer pressure or pressure from teachers or parents to get a good grade. You cannot even assume your precious offspring won't have an apathetic moment and take the easy way out.

In the Bible, I love the way Paul writes to the churches like father writing to his child. In Philippians, Paul repeatedly encourages the believers to live clean, innocent lives before a dark and despairing world. In each encouragement, Paul gently reminds them how their behavior reflects on him and how proud he is when they do right. Take some time to read Philippians this week, and use this book as an example to exhort your own children.

In the meantime, use these survey results to open up a discussion with your teen about cheating. Some good questions to use are:

• Do you think these numbers are fairly accurate?
• Is cheating pretty common at your school?
• Have you ever considered cheating?
• Do you think cheating is wrong? Why or why not?

I'd like to hear from all of you on this subject. Do you think your child has ever cheated? What can parents do to help prevent cheating?

Dads, you should tell them

A few nights ago, I was watching the movie, "A Walk in the Clouds." In one scene, Paul (the son-in-law) of a vineyard owner (Alberto) is trying to get through to his father-in-law. The dialogue went like this:

Paul: For four years that I've been at war, to do what I had to do, I had to keep myself

closed off. What's your reason?

Alberto: What are you talking about? Reason for what?

Paul: For shutting your daughter out of your heart. Can't you see how amazing she is? How alive? My whole life, I've dreamed of getting the kind of love your daughter tries to give you.

I would die for what you have. Why can't you just love her? She's so easy to love.

Alberto: You know nothing about my daughter! You hear me? Nothing!

Paul: I know that she is good...and strong...and deserves all the love this world has to give. Can't you see that? How wonderful...how special she is?

Alberto: You see this? This land...this vineyard! This is 365 days a year. Who do you think

I do this for? For them! All of them! I love my family!

Paul: You should let them know it.

Ouch. This took me back to memories of my own father. He worked hard and did well to provide for his family. I know now that was his way of showing love to his family, but when I was a teenager, I wished for more. More encouragement, more affection, more "I love you"s. Later in life, my dad fulfilled those wishes, and I'm thankful for that. I just hope to encourage all you dads out there (and moms!) to strive for more.

I just finished reading an article by Paul Robertson, Youth Culture Specialist for Youth Unlimited, entitled Strong Fathers in Challenging Times. He discusses the five roles fathers are required to play: participator, playmate, principled guide, provider, and preparer. At the end of the article, he refers to his own research of what young people are looking for in their father:

First, they expect their fathers to ask them how they are doing, how their day was and then take time to listen to their answers. They need to know their father cares about them. In one survey, 73 percent of our teens said having someone to listen to them is “very, very important.” The Internet may be a great place to chat, but is anyone really listening?

Second, they expect their fathers to be consistent and to model the behavior and beliefs they talk about. Fathers are expected to teach moral beliefs and standards, and to be an example. Teens hate hypocrisy and double standards. They want authenticity in their media world of shallowness and lies.

Third, young people long for fathers to love them unconditionally. They need to know that regardless of how stupid they can be, their dad will love them “no matter what.” Teens want to see the emotional and compassionate side of the man they look up to. It makes their fathers human in a rather impersonal, technological world.

Fourth, girls want their fathers to treat them with respect both verbally and physically. Dads need to set the standard for what their daughters should expect from the other men in their life. Honoring your daughter makes her feel worthy and loved and helps her get beyond the simple notion of being an “object” in her youth culture.

Fifth, as much as they need guidance they also need freedom. Freedom is earned as they prove they are responsible. Preparing your teens to live in the real world is a long and complicated process but very rewarding when done properly.

No doubt we live in a busy world where everyone’s schedule is more than full. Fathers feel the pressure—often feeling no one else understands—of providing for the family while juggling a hundred other important issues. However, in the end, dads only get one chance to raise their kids properly. If as one mother said, “When you die, the only thing you take with you is the love and memories of your children,” then the question becomes, “What will their memories of us be?”

Dads, we know it's not always easy, but continue to let your family know how much you love them. My prayer is that they will do the same for you, this Sunday and every day. Happy Father's Day!

Below are links to a few other great articles on fathers:

Father of the Teen: Growing Up With Your Kids

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dads Say/Top 10 Things Dads Say

Father/Daughter Relationships Lead to More Girls Following Dad's Career Path

Father Memories

The Payoff

"I don’t want what you have—I want you. After all, children don’t provide for their parents. Rather, parents provide for their children.  I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you, even though it seems that the more I love you, the less you love me."  2 Corinthians 12:14b-15 (NLT)

I love the way this passage is worded in the New Living Translation.  Paul was writing to the church in Corinth and saw himself as a father figure to that congregation.  It seemed the more he poured himself into the lives of his spiritual children, the more they responded with bad behavior.           

I'm sure most parents have felt this way at one time or another.  If you have been blessed to have a child with a challenging disposition (i.e. one that is counter to your own), you may be tempted to throw up your hands in frustration and quit trying altogether.  

Paul reveals his intent and motivation to the Corinthians, and there is value in examining ourselves in both of these areas:  

• "I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you."  I don't know about you, but there are days when I feel I've spent everything (physically, emotionally, and financially) on my kids, but I haven't always done it gladly!  Especially in the midst of trying times, we must maintain our joy in serving the Lord. Raising children is not only a service to the Lord, but a tremendous privilege.   
• "I don't want what you have - I want you."  Teenagers often view parents' actions through a filter of control.  We can follow Paul's example by communicating clearly (and often) our love for our children.  Kids need to know they are valued.  Teens in particular need to know their voice is heard. Make sure your children know they are wanted.           
  

If you read 1 and 2 Corinthians, you'll discover Paul's spiritual offspring did some pretty awful things.  But as Paul advised another congregation, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  (Galatians 6:9 NIV) 

Neither you nor our teen will remain the same as you are today.  There's a payoff down the road.  

"So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."  2 Corinthians 4:18 

What one song would you recommend I download?

I'll unashamedly admit I stole this idea from another blog.  And I'll also admit my motives are a bit selfish, but I suspect all of you have exquisite musical taste.  

So here's the question:  if you could tell me to download only one song, what would it be and why?  (Please don't say "because I like it!")

You may be asking, "What does this have to do with parents and teens?"  I'm hoping it will encourage parents to listen to some of the teen suggestions and vice versa.  

At the very least, we can all expand our music library.  And hopefully our minds as well.  :)

Adult TV for kids=earlier sex for teens

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."  Deuteronomy 11:18-19

A new study by Children's Hospital in Boston shows children exposed to adult-themed movies and TV shows are likely to have sex earlier in their teen years than their peers who were not similarly exposed.  I doubt any of us find that too surprising.  

Examiner.com article   

I remember volunteering in my daughter's second grade classroom and hearing one little boy tell me about an R-rated movie he had watched.  I asked him if his parents knew he had watched it, and he said his father had rented the movie for him.  

This permissiveness does not just exist outside the church.  I've also listened to middle school students at church share their favorite movies with me, and sometimes the choices are pretty shocking.  Of course, I'm always told they are watching with parental permission, which may or may not be true.  

Still, I think way too often we are allowing the media to direct our children's sexual education. Kids exposed to such programs already have false expectations of sexuality, and it's no wonder both parents and educators have a difficult time getting their message across.  

What can be done?  Sure, we can monitor our family's media use more carefully.  But even that is becoming more difficult.  Recently, we were watching an episode of the Andy Griffith show on TV Land.  Innocent enough, right?  Sure!  It's a G rated show...but the commercials were PG-13.  You can't even watch a sporting event without viewing half naked women during a commercial break.  

Can we boycott?  Well, yes, I believe to a certain degree, we could probably turn off the TV a lot more.  I speak for myself there as well.  

Can we hold Hollywood accountable?  That's difficult too, but we can do our part.  We can choose to only support movies and programs that are wholesome.  We can get in the faces of our local, state and national representatives, armed with studies such as the one above, and demand that America cleans up its act.  

In the end, though, we have to come to some form of acceptance that this will always be an issue.  We live in a sinful world, after all.  The best thing we can do when our kids are exposed to adult material is to talk about it.  Don't ignore it or be embarrassed by it.  Express your feelings about it, explain in language they will understand, and let them ask questions.  You can never go wrong being open and honest with your kids.  

Believe it or not, they will listen.  

Why does science only matter when it's convenient?

I was up early this morning and spent some time praying for my daughter who is taking a four hour AP test this morning.  I prayed for her clarity of mind since the test is being given during a period of the day which is not her prime functioning time.  

I recently read this statistic:  Twenty percent of teens fall asleep during class every day.   I began to ponder why teens are continuously asked to perform academically at early times of the morning in light of scientific evidence to the contrary.  Study after study has shown teens do better in school and have less depression when they are allowed to start working later in the morning.  

A middle school student told me last night she has to get up by 6:00 a.m. in order to be ready to be on the bus before 7:00.  In order to get the recommended nine hours of sleep, she would have to be in bed and asleep by 9:00 each night.  With after-school activities and homework, that can be a challenge.  Add in the circadian rhythm changes that occur during adolescence, which cause teens to want to stay up later/sleep later, and that's a near impossibility.  Thus, the sleep deprivation cycle begins.  

I've heard adults make the argument that "this is what they will have to do in the real world."  True, but by then, they will be adults and will have outgrown this particular biological tendency.      

In this "age of science", why is only some science regarded as important?  In this case, school districts will say it's a matter of budget or, sadly, the need to accommodate sports.  If this is a matter of our whether or not our children get a good education, why isn't this issue as important as funding for schools (which is always backed up with scientific data)? 

Deuteronomy 4:9 says:  "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live.  Teach them to your children and to their children after them."  

I've taught early morning Sunday school for teens and can say with all authority, I may as well have been attempting to instruct a brick wall. Parents, have you ever attempted to communicate some deep and wonderful truth to your teen at 7:00 in the morning?  If so, I know you get what I am saying.

I say, let the kids sleep later.  What do you think?

  

  

 

Torturing teenagers for entertainment

I don't necessarily agree with the comparison made in the article, "Torturing Terrorists for National Security? Bad.  Torturing Teenagers for Entertainment? OK."  However, this article is worth the read, particularly if you allow your teens to view horror movies (and you don't see them yourself).  

I am fortunate that my girls are not interested in seeing these types of movies, but if they were, they'd have a tough time selling me on the idea.  I watched horror movies in my teens and wish I hadn't.  Even though most of the horror movies of those days were pretty hokey and unrealistic, they still invited a spirit of fear and left graphic visual images I will never be able to erase.  

If kids can show me a way that watching these movies will glorify God, I'll get on board.  Until then, I will continue to discourage teens (and parents) from supporting an industry that has total disregard for the mental health of our children.  

In case you don't feel like reading the whole article, here are few quotes:

"“To me, it’s aesthetic, not a question of society. There is nothing you can do wrong in a movie.” --Quentin Tarantino, when asked if the use of graphic violence in film is a good thing for society

"'Saw’ was a huge hit, proving that mainstream audiences have an appetite for sadism – at least if it's cleverly conceived."  -- Time's Rebecca Winters Keegan

“[Musician/director Rob] Zombie says in his movies, violence is not gratuitous – it’s the point.” --NPR's Neda Ulaby

  

Should parents read kids' text messages?

Saying this makes me feel old, but it's relevant, so I'll chance it.   My parents had it so much easier.  I had basically three ways to communicate with my friends: talking in person, writing a note or letter, or talking on the phone.  There was only one phone in the house, which was attached to the wall on a limited cord, so privacy was at a minimum.  Still, I often found the need to climb into the hall closet to talk to my friends.  

Our kids have a host of ways to foster private communication.  First it was AIM, then MySpace, now texting.  All great ways to communicate, but equally dangerous.  The question is: how much privacy is too much?   With all the publicity about "sexting", should we be monitoring our kids' text messages?  Is there even a right answer?

For parents, it's a matter of privacy vs. safety.  Teens generally view it as a matter of control and/or lack of trust.  

Let's talk about it.  Parents, do you think it's OK to sneak a peek at your child's text messages? Kids, what do you say?  

Hazing in high school

Most of us have heard stories of hazing in college, particularly in fraternities and sororities, but you may be unaware of similar occurrences in high school. A recent study showed nearly half of all high school students have been hazed, and that number is similar to the last study done in 2000.  

Any time teen life is portrayed in the media, whether in a movie or a study such as this, it's interesting to hear perspectives from teens themselves.  The hazing reported included anything from silly stunts to drinking games, leaving the interpretation of the word "hazing" wide open. I'd be curious to hear interpretations of the data from teens out there:  are the statistics realistic or overblown?    

Parents, this is a great conversation starter.  Ask your teens what they think about the numbers, and ask if they have ever been part of a hazing incident (on either the giving or receiving end). 

USA Today article:  Nearly half of high schoolers have been hazed 

Morning after pill approved for 17-year-olds

"I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no savior."  Isaiah 43:11

When, oh when, will America learn?  Shouldn't it be obvious? We have the highest teen pregnancy rate among the most developed countries in the world, so handing yet another form of birth control to our kids is ludicrous.  And yet, the FDA has now made the "morning after" contraceptive available to 17-year-olds without a prescription.  What just happened here?  

The president of Planned Parenthood called the decision "commonsense policy." Commonsense?  Is anyone really believing that?  Never mind the moral implications here.  I don't need to tread that road with all of you.  We know better.  

Why just 17-year-olds?  Does the FDA care about our 17-year-olds?  Unlikely.  Do they care about the pharmaceutical industry?  More than our kids, most certainly.  The saddest part of all is the message it sends to our girls.  In essence, they are being told, "You are God over your body and your life."  

One has to wonder what would happen if the government went after the numerous industries that are sexualizing our girls at such a young age, in particular the media.  Not likely to happen though, is it?  The media would hate to report on the horrors of...the media.  :)

Moms, Dads, hang in there.  Keep fighting those messages your daughters are bombarded with every day. Keep reminding them, He is the Lord, and apart from Him there is no savior.  Not a pill, not a boy, not the government.  

Praying for you and your children,

Lisa 

  

Parental Rights Under Attack

I was first alerted to this issue by an email from a friend.  Upon further study, I was surprised to find it continues to fly under the radar of even the Christian media.  

The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) is a treaty which is being considered for ratification by the United States.  Under the terms of this treaty, parental rights would be replaced by "the best interests of the child" as defined by an international committee of 18 people in Switzerland.  

According to the ParentalRights.org website, government agencies would have the power to override your parental choices at their whim because they determine what is in "the best interest of the child."   

For example, if your child complains to his school counselor that you make him go to church against his will, a case could be made against you claiming that church is not in the child's best interest.  "This means that the burden of proof falls on the parent to prove to the State that they are good parents - when it should fall upon the State to prove that their investigation is not without cause."  (ParentalRights.org)

Judges across the United States are already denying parental rights.  Others refuse to recognize them because they are not explicitly protection in the United States Constitution.  ParentalRights. org seeks to add a constitutional amendment that "will ensure that the rights of parents to raise their children are honored by federal court judges and recognized above international law."  

I strongly advise you to become educated on this important issue and inform your elected representatives of your position.   

For more information, visit www.parentalrights.org.  

Hold on to your kids

"Parents are the pride of their children."  Proverbs 17:6b

Dr. Gabor Mate, co-author of the book Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Kids, offers a unique perspective on Attention Deficit Disorder.  He believes the root of the problem is not always a need for medication, but instead a damaged or missing relationship with a caring adult.  Current economic stresses, Mate says, may pull even more parents away from their children, with the need for parents to work a second job or longer hours.  

From the article below:

"There's nothing in the child's brain that says their attachment must be to mommy and daddy. There's no circuit that says that's the way it must be,"

So when parents are absent, or shut down an opportunity to build their relationship with their children, the kids seek that attachment from elsewhere-- if they're lucky another adult, but more commonplace in these times that child will seek that attachment from his or her peers.

That attachment happens physically and emotionally, through copying behaviour and through the dynamic of belonging and loyalty. But Mate said peers are ill equipped to provide the unconditional, loving relationship only parents or another caring adult can provide.

"Peers aren't meant to be Mother Nature's nurturers because they're immature," Mate said. "It takes a lot of maturity to stand for unconditional devotion even in difficult times. As a result, kids live with a lot of dissing, bullying, ostracization and avoidance... when that happens, development shuts down."

Theories aside, we all know how important the parent-child relationship is.  God Himself is a loving Father and a perfect role model for parenting.  One of his characteristics is His omnipresence.  He is always with us, always holding on to us.  

Even though we cannot be omnipresent to our children, we can make sure we fully present when we are with them.  Hold on tight.  

Children and teens out of control

Am I listening?

Life After High School:  The First Year by Derek Melleby

I've had this article from the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding (CPYU) tickled for sometime and just got around to reading it today.  On the back of yesterday's post, I'd say it timed out well.  Melleby interviewed Tim Clydesdale, a sociology professor at The College of New Jersey and author of The First Year Out:  Understanding American Teens After High School.  Dr. Clydesdale conducted a six-year study following students from high school into their first year after high school.  

Here are a few excerpts:

CPYU: What was the most surprising thing you learned about teenagers from your research?

TC: I would say it was how open teens were to talking to a sympathetic adult listener. It was as if they yearned for a sounding board—a listening and engaged ear—and once they found it in the interview room, they poured out their hearts. Neither their parents nor their peers provided an unfettered place in which the teens could talk; it seems that the adults in teens’ lives were more interested in telling them something than they were in listening to them, and that friends were likewise so caught up in their own concerns they didn’t listen very much either. This reveals something about American culture—that we nurture individuals so consumed with themselves that we as a culture are losing our desire if not our ability to listen. Even well-meaning folks like teachers, parents and youth pastors get so caught up in conveying a set of ideas that they rarely let up on the barrage of information. Teens are drowning in competing claims for allegiance, and no one, it seems, is providing the time and space to sort through all of this.

CPYU: You write, “Few and far between are teens whose lives are shaped by purpose, who demonstrate direction, who recognize their interdependence with communities small and large, or who think about what it means to live in the biggest house in the global village.” Did you notice any difference with Christian students you interviewed, or would you say that this is true for most teens, regardless of religious affiliation?

TC: I found this to be true of most Christian students, even those who say their faith is “very important” to them. It seems most Christian students want to keep their faith in a nice safe box: they attend church, they read the Bible & pray, but they largely pursue the same work-spend-borrow-consume lifestyle that their non-Christian peers do. The majority of Christian teens are content to sprinkle their suburban middle-class aspirations with evangelical faith (again, not unlike most adult evangelicals). I did find some Christian teens (say 10-25 percent) who are open to questioning whether these suburban aspirations represent the life of radical discipleship to which Jesus calls his followers. Such teens want to think deeply about their faith and engage it with the wider world. Unfortunately, few of these youth possess the mentorship that nurtures this sort of faith development, and without it, the tug of work-spend-borrow-consume may ultimately prevail.

CPYU: “College transition” is currently a hot topic in youth ministry these days. Churches are reporting that more and more students walk away from the faith during the college years. What do you think are the implications of your research for youth pastors as they prepare students in their youth groups for college?

TC: Those who “walked away” from their faith during college made the decision to do so long before their college years—they just waited for the freedom of college to enact that choice. In many cases, these teens reported having important questions regarding faith during early adolescence (12-14 years old) that were ignored by their parents or pastors rather than taken seriously and engaged thoughtfully. It is in early adolescence that faith trajectories (along with other life trajectories) are set, thus early adolescence is the point when preparation must occur. 

Less Than 1 Percent of Young Adults Hold Biblical Worldview

As the parent of a high school senior, I've been trying to prepare my daughter for college and "the real world."  She can attest that I'm always sending her articles or making her read books that I believe will help her stay strong in her faith once she is away from home.  

She will be getting the link to this article.  Even though I'm not naive about the post modern world, I was pretty surprised by these statistics.  Christian parents who DO hold a biblical worldview better sit up and take note.  

Less Than 1 Percent of Young Adults Hold Biblical Worldview

Quote of the day

"If I could wave a magic wand and make it so, I would have a mandatory parent night of education through the Department of Education to teach parents how to be parents.” -- Retired Hanover (MA) Police Chief Paul Hayes

Motherhood as vocation

Stay-at-home moms, that's what they call us.  Came across this article about women who make motherhood their full-time profession.  Enjoy!

Motherhood as vocation

The power of forgiveness

We all have those days.  Someone has been irritating you all day, whether it be a spouse, a coworker, or a relative.  Perhaps you have a teen who knows exactly how to push your buttons, and perhaps you have a way of getting on your child's nerves as well.  What happens when the button pushed leads to a nuclear explosion?  

Author and media expert Al Menconi shares an encouraging story from his own parenting experiences:  

"One day Annie and I were having a rough time communicating.  It seemed like we were pushing each other’s buttons all day. I’ve forgotten the circumstances but the last straw happened when I was putting her to bed.  She was rude and disrespectful and said something snotty. I lost my cool and slapped her face. 

Of course she started crying loudly.  My wife came into the room and started closing the windows so the neighbors wouldn’t think we were beating our kids. My younger daughter, Allison, thought she was being funny by yelling, “Child abuse, child abuse!”  Looking back now, it all seems like a scene from a bad sitcom.  I wasn’t laughing.

I was angry; a ten-year-old shouldn’t talk to her father like that! Annie continued to sob.  Jan wondered out loud if we should send Annie to school the next day because her cheek was red from my slap.  What would they think?  I was devastated at my lack of control.

There was only one thing to do.  After I calmed down, I went into Annie’s room and apologized.  I told her what she did was wrong but my response was worse.  Much worse.  I asked her if she would forgive me.  She stopped crying, forgave me, and we hugged as she went to bed. 

Recently, I talked with my adult daughters about various illustrations from their childhood for an upcoming book on parenting.  When I brought up the slapping incident, Annie couldn’t remember if it was she or Allison who was slapped. 

Can you believe it?  Here was a situation that devastated me for years and the victim of my slap didn’t even remember it happening.  I really believe humbly asking for her forgiveness erased it from her memory.  In case you are thinking she forgot because it happened so many years ago, let me share another incident that tells you about her memory. 

When Annie was in first grade, she aced all her spelling words as I quizzed her the night before her test.  The next day, she missed the word “brought” on the test by spelling it “bought.” She forgot the “R.” She blamed me for teaching her the wrong word. I good-naturedly told her she was responsible for her misspelling, but she insisted it was my fault. I never apologized because I thought it was funny.  Neither of us got angry, but neither of us would admit being wrong either.

You would think she would forget a little misspelled word from twenty-five years before.  Wrong!  If you asked her today which word Dad got wrong in her first grade spelling test, she will tell you “brought.”

There is nothing wrong with her memory.  The only difference between the two incidents is I apologized after I slapping her and didn’t after her spelling error."

What a great reminder of Proverbs 11:2:  "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."