Does your kid cheat?

For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. Philippians 1:10 (NLT)

Does your kid cheat? Before you say no, look at this research from Common Sense Media:

• 35 percent of teens with cell phones admit to cheating at least once with them
• Two-thirds of all teens say others in their school cheat with cell phones
• 52 percent of teens admit to some form of cheating involving the internet

There appears to be a real problem here, but other parts of the research reveal a more disturbing issue:

• 23 percent of teens say that storing notes on a cell phone to access during a test isn't cheating at all
• 20 percent say that texting friends about answers during tests is not cheating at all

And finally, parents are in denial about the possibility of their own children participating in cheating:

• 76 percent of parents say cell phone cheating happens at their child's school
• 3 percent of parents say their child has ever cheated with cell phones

I call this the "Not my kid!" syndrome. We never want to think our children, who we are raising with high moral standards, would ever stoop to cheating.

If there's one thing I've learned through years of parenting and working with teens, it's that you can never assume anything. Never assume your child knows right from wrong, even if you've said it a million times. Never assume your teen is not susceptible to peer pressure or pressure from teachers or parents to get a good grade. You cannot even assume your precious offspring won't have an apathetic moment and take the easy way out.

In the Bible, I love the way Paul writes to the churches like father writing to his child. In Philippians, Paul repeatedly encourages the believers to live clean, innocent lives before a dark and despairing world. In each encouragement, Paul gently reminds them how their behavior reflects on him and how proud he is when they do right. Take some time to read Philippians this week, and use this book as an example to exhort your own children.

In the meantime, use these survey results to open up a discussion with your teen about cheating. Some good questions to use are:

• Do you think these numbers are fairly accurate?
• Is cheating pretty common at your school?
• Have you ever considered cheating?
• Do you think cheating is wrong? Why or why not?

I'd like to hear from all of you on this subject. Do you think your child has ever cheated? What can parents do to help prevent cheating?

Dads, you should tell them

A few nights ago, I was watching the movie, "A Walk in the Clouds." In one scene, Paul (the son-in-law) of a vineyard owner (Alberto) is trying to get through to his father-in-law. The dialogue went like this:

Paul: For four years that I've been at war, to do what I had to do, I had to keep myself

closed off. What's your reason?

Alberto: What are you talking about? Reason for what?

Paul: For shutting your daughter out of your heart. Can't you see how amazing she is? How alive? My whole life, I've dreamed of getting the kind of love your daughter tries to give you.

I would die for what you have. Why can't you just love her? She's so easy to love.

Alberto: You know nothing about my daughter! You hear me? Nothing!

Paul: I know that she is good...and strong...and deserves all the love this world has to give. Can't you see that? How wonderful...how special she is?

Alberto: You see this? This land...this vineyard! This is 365 days a year. Who do you think

I do this for? For them! All of them! I love my family!

Paul: You should let them know it.

Ouch. This took me back to memories of my own father. He worked hard and did well to provide for his family. I know now that was his way of showing love to his family, but when I was a teenager, I wished for more. More encouragement, more affection, more "I love you"s. Later in life, my dad fulfilled those wishes, and I'm thankful for that. I just hope to encourage all you dads out there (and moms!) to strive for more.

I just finished reading an article by Paul Robertson, Youth Culture Specialist for Youth Unlimited, entitled Strong Fathers in Challenging Times. He discusses the five roles fathers are required to play: participator, playmate, principled guide, provider, and preparer. At the end of the article, he refers to his own research of what young people are looking for in their father:

First, they expect their fathers to ask them how they are doing, how their day was and then take time to listen to their answers. They need to know their father cares about them. In one survey, 73 percent of our teens said having someone to listen to them is “very, very important.” The Internet may be a great place to chat, but is anyone really listening?

Second, they expect their fathers to be consistent and to model the behavior and beliefs they talk about. Fathers are expected to teach moral beliefs and standards, and to be an example. Teens hate hypocrisy and double standards. They want authenticity in their media world of shallowness and lies.

Third, young people long for fathers to love them unconditionally. They need to know that regardless of how stupid they can be, their dad will love them “no matter what.” Teens want to see the emotional and compassionate side of the man they look up to. It makes their fathers human in a rather impersonal, technological world.

Fourth, girls want their fathers to treat them with respect both verbally and physically. Dads need to set the standard for what their daughters should expect from the other men in their life. Honoring your daughter makes her feel worthy and loved and helps her get beyond the simple notion of being an “object” in her youth culture.

Fifth, as much as they need guidance they also need freedom. Freedom is earned as they prove they are responsible. Preparing your teens to live in the real world is a long and complicated process but very rewarding when done properly.

No doubt we live in a busy world where everyone’s schedule is more than full. Fathers feel the pressure—often feeling no one else understands—of providing for the family while juggling a hundred other important issues. However, in the end, dads only get one chance to raise their kids properly. If as one mother said, “When you die, the only thing you take with you is the love and memories of your children,” then the question becomes, “What will their memories of us be?”

Dads, we know it's not always easy, but continue to let your family know how much you love them. My prayer is that they will do the same for you, this Sunday and every day. Happy Father's Day!

Below are links to a few other great articles on fathers:

Father of the Teen: Growing Up With Your Kids

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dads Say/Top 10 Things Dads Say

Father/Daughter Relationships Lead to More Girls Following Dad's Career Path

Father Memories

The Payoff

"I don’t want what you have—I want you. After all, children don’t provide for their parents. Rather, parents provide for their children.  I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you, even though it seems that the more I love you, the less you love me."  2 Corinthians 12:14b-15 (NLT)

I love the way this passage is worded in the New Living Translation.  Paul was writing to the church in Corinth and saw himself as a father figure to that congregation.  It seemed the more he poured himself into the lives of his spiritual children, the more they responded with bad behavior.           

I'm sure most parents have felt this way at one time or another.  If you have been blessed to have a child with a challenging disposition (i.e. one that is counter to your own), you may be tempted to throw up your hands in frustration and quit trying altogether.  

Paul reveals his intent and motivation to the Corinthians, and there is value in examining ourselves in both of these areas:  

• "I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you."  I don't know about you, but there are days when I feel I've spent everything (physically, emotionally, and financially) on my kids, but I haven't always done it gladly!  Especially in the midst of trying times, we must maintain our joy in serving the Lord. Raising children is not only a service to the Lord, but a tremendous privilege.   
• "I don't want what you have - I want you."  Teenagers often view parents' actions through a filter of control.  We can follow Paul's example by communicating clearly (and often) our love for our children.  Kids need to know they are valued.  Teens in particular need to know their voice is heard. Make sure your children know they are wanted.           
  

If you read 1 and 2 Corinthians, you'll discover Paul's spiritual offspring did some pretty awful things.  But as Paul advised another congregation, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  (Galatians 6:9 NIV) 

Neither you nor our teen will remain the same as you are today.  There's a payoff down the road.  

"So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."  2 Corinthians 4:18