I received a Facebook message requesting this article, written by my husband a few years ago. I hope this is helpful to anyone trying to navigate the twists and turns of a blended family.
YOURS, MINE, AND OURS
Modeling Christ in a blended family
By Dan Grant
Picture this: Two high school sweethearts bump into each other 25 years after graduation. Both are widowed and have children. The old spark is renewed, and they quickly decide to get married. They move into a large house with all the children. What ensues is not exactly what the newlyweds envisioned. The kids are not happy about having a new stepparent or sharing rooms with new siblings who have been raised with very different parenting styles.
You may recognize the storyline from the movie, “Yours, Mine, and Ours.” On the other hand, you may recognize it from your own life.
Historically, blended families were uncommon, and were most often the result of a widowed spouse who remarried. Today, with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, there may be as many as 15 million stepchildren under the age of 18 in the United States. It is estimated more than a third of all children will spend some part of their lives in a stepfamily.
As if family life isn’t demanding enough, blending families brings a new assortment of challenges. I have personally experienced many trials as the head of my own blended family, and it continues to be a learning process.
I met my wife during the college years. We began a friendship that endured many years and miles of separation. During that time, she married and had two children. After her marriage ended in divorce, our friendship grew to romance, and we married in September 1993. Her son was seven years old, and her daughter had just turned three.
In retrospect, my expectations entering marriage and becoming a stepparent were pretty unrealistic. I figured the kids would be calling me “Dad” within the first six months to a year. Their biological father would still be in the picture, but they would look to me as their “father figure.” After all, I was such a great guy! I made good money, I would be married to their mother, and of course, I was a Christian. What more could they ask for? In looking back, I could not have been more wrong.
Stepparents can indeed have an incredible impact on children’s lives. They can be a role model, spiritual leader, and a second mom or dad. They can be used by God to bring about good in the midst of a bad situation. In order to accomplish these goals, we need a defined view of the stepparent’s role within the blended family.
First, let’s take a look at how we got here. Blended families are the result of primarily three things: poor choices, shortsighted decisions, and major life shifts. Plainly said, sin is the mode of transportation that carries us into these family situations.
Divorce (Malachi 2:13-16; Matthew 9:3-9)
God hates divorce. Before He says that (Malachi 2:16), He gives some reasons why. He explains that the inevitable tears that follow divorce reflect a broken faith, not only with our spouse, but also with God.
The broken marriage covenant can also cause spiritual damage to the children. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.” (Malachi 2:15a) God’s desire is to see our children raised in the ways of the Lord. Obviously, divorce makes that much more difficult.
So, why then, did God allow divorce at all? Jesus explained, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” (Matthew 9:8) God wanted to use the consequences of divorce to soften those rock solid hearts.
Still, Jesus warned divorce could lead to additional sin. “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 9:8-9)
Sex outside of marriage (Exodus 20:14,Romans 1:21-32)
Yes, despite what the movies, TV, the government, and many of our neighbors and friends say, sex outside of marriage is a sin. “Do not commit adultery” is one of the Ten Commandments!
The culture we live in has decided extramarital sex (including homosexuality) is now acceptable, as long as you participate “safely”. The world has “exchanged the truth of God for a lie,” and God has given them over “in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.” (Romans 1:24-25)
Paul warned us sexual sin could lead to even more corruption, including envy, murder, deceit, malice, gossip, slander, insolence, arrogance, disobedience to parents, and hating God. We become “senseless, faithless, heartless and ruthless.” (Romans 1:31)
In this numbed state, we apparently forget how serious God is about promiscuity. Adultery was actually punishable by death in the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 22:21-24). “Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.” (Romans 1:32)
Death (Genesis 3:22-24, Deuteronomy 25:5-10)
We were created to live forever in the presence of God, but because of sin, we were banished from the Garden of Eden. We were separated from God, and death became a reality.
Even though we brought death on ourselves, God tried to keep families in tact as much as possible. If a man died before fathering any children, his brother was commanded to marry the widow and have children for him. In fact, if the brother-in-law refused, the widow was to “go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face, and say, ‘This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.’” (Deuteronomy 25:9)
This journey of sin has brought us to this place, and now we must learn to deal with the circumstances. A blended family will face far more points of potential conflict than a traditional family. These may include:
- Natural parents vs. stepparents
- Children from your original marriage or former relationships
- Children from your current spouse’s former relationships
- Children from your ex-spouse’s new relationship
- Children from your ex-spouse’s new spouse’s former relationships
In addition, the authority structure becomes a muddle. Who prevails when there is a conflict or disagreement between the slews of potential parental figures?
Every blended family will experience its own unique set of trials along the way. However, there are certain obstacles that can be avoided by any stepparent.
Leave the competitive drive on the field or at the office. (Jeremiah 9:23-24, 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, Psalm 12:2-4)
These are children, not a trophy. You are not in competition with their natural mother or father. Furthermore, this is a battle you cannot win! An old acquaintance once told me “The kids will figure it out. You do not have to tell them.” There is no need to point out to them how great you are in comparison to their natural parent.
No matter what has happened in the past, that person is still their mother or father. No ifs, ands or buts! There are many examples of parents doing unspeakable things and their children still have a bond, allegiance, and love for them. I believe God places a bond between a child and their parents that man cannot duplicate or create. The more we try, the more messed up things become.
For various reasons, you or your spouse may give the impression you are “replacing” their natural parent. Whether intentional or unintentional, this is wrong! One way we do this is by comparing ourselves to them, in a way that portrays ourselves favorably. For example:
1. I make more money
2. I am a Christian and they are not, or a “better Christian” (whatever that means!)
3. I am physically more attractive/athletic
4. I have a better job
5. Your mom or dad chose me over the other parent
In other words, I AM BETTER THEN THEM!
In some cases, this may be true, but it is all relative. Better compared to what? Who are we comparing ourselves to?
“This is what the Lord says: ‘Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,’ declares the Lord.” (Jeremiah 9:23-24)
After all, our decency comes only from the Lord. “It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: ‘Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.’" (1 Corinthians 1:30-31)
Playing the comparison game does nothing but build us up with false pride. It will not strengthen relationships with children, spouses, and most importantly, our relationship with Christ. When you are tempted to blow your own horn, ask yourself these questions:
1. Who will benefit by what I am saying?
2. Is Christ glorified?
3. Is my relationship with my spouse strengthened?
4. Does this encourage and support my children?
Evaluate whether these comparisons help or hinder you in accomplishing the following goals:
1. To positively impact your stepchildren’s lives
2. To be a role model, spiritual leader, and a second mom or dad
3. To be used by God to take a bad situation and bring good from it
Lift up and/or support “the ex” when possible and appropriate (1 Thessalonians 5:10-12, Hebrews 3:12-14, Hebrews 10:25)
Now that you’re done with puffing yourself up, it’s time to look in a new direction. How do you speak to the ex-spouse? How often do you look for opportunities to lift up your child’s natural parent?
Many times, we are looking to do the opposite. We look for ways to “keep them down.” This often just further confuses the children, and we end up with more problems that we started with. It encourages competition between the natural parent and the stepparent, which in turn drives a wedge between you and your child. Then you have given them one more reason to dislike their new stepparent.
Why do we do this? Does it justify our decision to divorce and remarry? Are we trying to help a new spouse assume the role of “father” or “mother” to take the place of the natural parent? Do we want our feelings of hate and disappointment transferred to the children? Once again, our true desire should be to accomplish the goals we set.
God’s Word instructs us to encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). When we do that daily, it prevents both us and “the ex” from being hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Hebrews 3:13). In other words, we won’t believe the lie that the bitterness is just something we will always have to live with.
Building up “the ex” may be very difficult to do in some cases. Ask God to show you positive things about the natural parent. Perhaps they financially support their children or are faithful to remember important days in a child’s life. Maybe they are making positive changes in their lives.
Pray and forgive the natural parent (Psalm 35:12-14, Exodus 23:4-5, Proverbs 24:17, Proverbs 24:29, Proverbs 25:21, 2 Corinthians 2:5-11, Matthew 6:14-15)
I know many people are hurting and have not forgiven the other parent. Even though that person may continue to be a thorn in your side (Psalm 35:12-14), God has commanded you to forgive them, or you will not be forgiven. (Matthew 6:14-15) If you have not done this before getting married, you are just bringing all the old baggage into this new relationship. All the leftover emotion will in turn affect your marriage.
Resist the idea to respond in revenge. “Do not say, ‘I’ll do to him as he has done to me; I’ll pay that man back for what he did.’” (Proverbs 24:29) Instead, begin to pray for them. When you pray for someone, it becomes increasingly difficult to hold on to those feelings of hate, hurt, and bitterness.
Pray for:
1. Their salvation if they are not saved.
2. For their new spouse and/or family if they are remarried.
3. For their relationship with the children.
4. Forgiveness and reconciliation in your relationship with them
If things turn sour between the natural parent and the children, do your best to restore the relationship. "If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, be sure to take it back to him. If you see the donkey of someone who hates you fallen down under its load, do not leave it there; be sure you help him with it.” (Exodus 23:4-5) If you find yourself enjoying the fact that the other parent is having difficulties, confess it and check your attitude (Proverbs 24:17).
So, where do you fit in? As a stepparent, keep your focus simple and pure:
1. Love your spouse; model God’s love and provide him/her with the security that you are not going anywhere.
2. Love the children as your own.
3. Raise them in a Christian home; share and model Christ for them.
4. Help provide for the children’s physical needs
5. Provide a safe environment
Your goal should not be to replace their natural parent. Over time, a child may welcome you into their lives as “Dad or Mom”, but that is their choice, not yours.
Finally, keep your expectations realistic. Life is not “The Brady Bunch” or any other Hollywood scenario. Most days in a blended family will not be neatly wrapped up and tied with a bow. The most spectacular reality, though, is that God is still sovereign over it all. He is “the author and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2) and of our families.
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