Facebook profiles affect job opportunities

I came across this article today and thought it was worth sharing, since many of you have children who are of college age.  I will add that Facebook profiles also affect college applications and scholarships, as well as part-time jobs while in high school.  Colleges and employers do look at Facebook profiles!

Facebook Misuse Can Often Kill Careers! A Facebook Faux Pas Can Lead to a Long Job Search By Larry Chiagouris, Ph.D.

NEW YORK, NY, April 20, 2011 -- More than 75% of college students may be using Facebook in a way that will damage their opportunities for a job after they graduate. In a recent research study I conducted  at Pace University examining college students' use of Facebook, several examples of unprofessional postings were reported by students compiling a sample of 100 colleges and universities in the United States. Researchers noted that male students are more likely to post a "Facebook Faux Pas" than female students.

The research revealed that several key features of Facebook were found to display information -- text or photos -- that if not carefully thought through, could convey an image orcharacter traits that most employers do not want in a prospective employee.

The researchers examined the primary photos that students use as their identity, a sample of other photos in their album, status updates, organizations that they belong to, and events that they are encouraging others to attend. The findings revealed that 76% of the students had something that an employer might find offensive. The study did not look at all the material on the students' sites and did not include an examination of the photos of friends, which can be an issue for some people. Based on these factors, the 76% number is probably on the low side of problem material likely to be found on college students' Facebook pages.

Recruitment experts agree that the use of Facebook should be done in a way that protects the user. According to Nicole Haltses, Director of Recruitment at Merit Personnel, "Employers consider Facebook an employment tool, and inappropriate material could therefore be a red flag to them. I have experienced a situation where a candidate's job offer was rescinded when the potential employer saw, and strongly disapproved of, what they perceived as a distasteful Facebook page. Use common sense when deciphering what personal information you want the world to see."

Summary of Overall Findings College Student Profiles on Facebook:  Facebook Levels of Appropriateness*    76% of all Facebook profiles were judged inappropriate and may cost a student a job opportunity! *Sample based on 400 college students' Facebook profiles.

Tips for Facebook Users on Protecting Their Image -- Especially in Relation to Job Searches · Remove all material -- particularly photos and status updates -- that does not present you in a professional manner. · Check your security settings to confirm that no one other than your friends can access information that you prefer to keep private. Recheck these settings often because privacy policies at Facebook may change and impact your settings.   · Search yourself on all major search engines (such asGoogle) to identify information about you that appears in the results. · Consider maintaining your Facebook pages under a name or nickname that you provide only to your friends and other people that you trust. This will make it more difficult for others to find you on Facebook unless you want to be found. · Arrange for a Google alert based on your name. You may find that others are posting material about you that you need to request be removed. · Ask your friends to remove photos of you that are a problem.

Dr. Larry Chiagouris is a full-time faculty member of Pace University and the author of The Secret to Getting a Job after College: Marketing Tactics to Turn Degrees into Dollars (Brand New World Publishing). He has appeared on Today Show and Fox News, been quoted in The Wall Street Journal. He has authored more than 50 articles and books. Learn more at www.larrychiagouris.com.

Christian website for gamers

I've been waiting a long time for someone to develop a site like this.  It's a Christian online community for gamers, but it goes way beyond that.  The folks behind this site are dedicated to sharing the Gospel with the world, especially those who love to play video games!  If you have teens into gaming, encourage them to check this out:

3 Day Respawn

Things you should never do on Facebook!

Here is some friendly advice to help you maintain your relationships with your teenagers when it comes to social media.

8 Things Parents of Teens Should Never Do on Facebook

Modeling Christ in a blended family

I received a Facebook message requesting this article, written by my husband a few years ago. I hope this is helpful to anyone trying to navigate the twists and turns of a blended family.

YOURS, MINE, AND OURS

Modeling Christ in a blended family

By Dan Grant

Picture this: Two high school sweethearts bump into each other 25 years after graduation. Both are widowed and have children. The old spark is renewed, and they quickly decide to get married. They move into a large house with all the children. What ensues is not exactly what the newlyweds envisioned. The kids are not happy about having a new stepparent or sharing rooms with new siblings who have been raised with very different parenting styles.

You may recognize the storyline from the movie, “Yours, Mine, and Ours.” On the other hand, you may recognize it from your own life.

Historically, blended families were uncommon, and were most often the result of a widowed spouse who remarried. Today, with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, there may be as many as 15 million stepchildren under the age of 18 in the United States. It is estimated more than a third of all children will spend some part of their lives in a stepfamily.

As if family life isn’t demanding enough, blending families brings a new assortment of challenges. I have personally experienced many trials as the head of my own blended family, and it continues to be a learning process.

I met my wife during the college years. We began a friendship that endured many years and miles of separation. During that time, she married and had two children. After her marriage ended in divorce, our friendship grew to romance, and we married in September 1993. Her son was seven years old, and her daughter had just turned three.

In retrospect, my expectations entering marriage and becoming a stepparent were pretty unrealistic. I figured the kids would be calling me “Dad” within the first six months to a year. Their biological father would still be in the picture, but they would look to me as their “father figure.” After all, I was such a great guy! I made good money, I would be married to their mother, and of course, I was a Christian. What more could they ask for? In looking back, I could not have been more wrong.

Stepparents can indeed have an incredible impact on children’s lives. They can be a role model, spiritual leader, and a second mom or dad. They can be used by God to bring about good in the midst of a bad situation. In order to accomplish these goals, we need a defined view of the stepparent’s role within the blended family.

First, let’s take a look at how we got here. Blended families are the result of primarily three things: poor choices, shortsighted decisions, and major life shifts. Plainly said, sin is the mode of transportation that carries us into these family situations.

Divorce (Malachi 2:13-16; Matthew 9:3-9)

God hates divorce. Before He says that (Malachi 2:16), He gives some reasons why. He explains that the inevitable tears that follow divorce reflect a broken faith, not only with our spouse, but also with God.

The broken marriage covenant can also cause spiritual damage to the children. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.” (Malachi 2:15a) God’s desire is to see our children raised in the ways of the Lord. Obviously, divorce makes that much more difficult.

So, why then, did God allow divorce at all? Jesus explained, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” (Matthew 9:8) God wanted to use the consequences of divorce to soften those rock solid hearts.

Still, Jesus warned divorce could lead to additional sin. “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 9:8-9)

Sex outside of marriage (Exodus 20:14,Romans 1:21-32)

Yes, despite what the movies, TV, the government, and many of our neighbors and friends say, sex outside of marriage is a sin. “Do not commit adultery” is one of the Ten Commandments!

The culture we live in has decided extramarital sex (including homosexuality) is now acceptable, as long as you participate “safely”. The world has “exchanged the truth of God for a lie,” and God has given them over “in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.” (Romans 1:24-25)

Paul warned us sexual sin could lead to even more corruption, including envy, murder, deceit, malice, gossip, slander, insolence, arrogance, disobedience to parents, and hating God. We become “senseless, faithless, heartless and ruthless.” (Romans 1:31)

In this numbed state, we apparently forget how serious God is about promiscuity. Adultery was actually punishable by death in the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 22:21-24). “Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.” (Romans 1:32)

Death (Genesis 3:22-24, Deuteronomy 25:5-10)

We were created to live forever in the presence of God, but because of sin, we were banished from the Garden of Eden. We were separated from God, and death became a reality.

Even though we brought death on ourselves, God tried to keep families in tact as much as possible. If a man died before fathering any children, his brother was commanded to marry the widow and have children for him. In fact, if the brother-in-law refused, the widow was to “go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face, and say, ‘This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.’” (Deuteronomy 25:9)

This journey of sin has brought us to this place, and now we must learn to deal with the circumstances. A blended family will face far more points of potential conflict than a traditional family. These may include:

- Natural parents vs. stepparents

- Children from your original marriage or former relationships

- Children from your current spouse’s former relationships

- Children from your ex-spouse’s new relationship

- Children from your ex-spouse’s new spouse’s former relationships

In addition, the authority structure becomes a muddle. Who prevails when there is a conflict or disagreement between the slews of potential parental figures?

Every blended family will experience its own unique set of trials along the way. However, there are certain obstacles that can be avoided by any stepparent.

Leave the competitive drive on the field or at the office. (Jeremiah 9:23-24, 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, Psalm 12:2-4)

These are children, not a trophy. You are not in competition with their natural mother or father. Furthermore, this is a battle you cannot win! An old acquaintance once told me “The kids will figure it out. You do not have to tell them.” There is no need to point out to them how great you are in comparison to their natural parent.

No matter what has happened in the past, that person is still their mother or father. No ifs, ands or buts! There are many examples of parents doing unspeakable things and their children still have a bond, allegiance, and love for them. I believe God places a bond between a child and their parents that man cannot duplicate or create. The more we try, the more messed up things become.

For various reasons, you or your spouse may give the impression you are “replacing” their natural parent. Whether intentional or unintentional, this is wrong! One way we do this is by comparing ourselves to them, in a way that portrays ourselves favorably. For example:

1. I make more money

2. I am a Christian and they are not, or a “better Christian” (whatever that means!)

3. I am physically more attractive/athletic

4. I have a better job

5. Your mom or dad chose me over the other parent

In other words, I AM BETTER THEN THEM!

In some cases, this may be true, but it is all relative. Better compared to what? Who are we comparing ourselves to?

“This is what the Lord says: ‘Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,’ declares the Lord.” (Jeremiah 9:23-24)

After all, our decency comes only from the Lord. “It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: ‘Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.’" (1 Corinthians 1:30-31)

Playing the comparison game does nothing but build us up with false pride. It will not strengthen relationships with children, spouses, and most importantly, our relationship with Christ. When you are tempted to blow your own horn, ask yourself these questions:

1. Who will benefit by what I am saying?

2. Is Christ glorified?

3. Is my relationship with my spouse strengthened?

4. Does this encourage and support my children?

Evaluate whether these comparisons help or hinder you in accomplishing the following goals:

1. To positively impact your stepchildren’s lives

2. To be a role model, spiritual leader, and a second mom or dad

3. To be used by God to take a bad situation and bring good from it

Lift up and/or support “the ex” when possible and appropriate (1 Thessalonians 5:10-12, Hebrews 3:12-14, Hebrews 10:25)

Now that you’re done with puffing yourself up, it’s time to look in a new direction. How do you speak to the ex-spouse? How often do you look for opportunities to lift up your child’s natural parent?

Many times, we are looking to do the opposite. We look for ways to “keep them down.” This often just further confuses the children, and we end up with more problems that we started with. It encourages competition between the natural parent and the stepparent, which in turn drives a wedge between you and your child. Then you have given them one more reason to dislike their new stepparent.

Why do we do this? Does it justify our decision to divorce and remarry? Are we trying to help a new spouse assume the role of “father” or “mother” to take the place of the natural parent? Do we want our feelings of hate and disappointment transferred to the children? Once again, our true desire should be to accomplish the goals we set.

God’s Word instructs us to encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). When we do that daily, it prevents both us and “the ex” from being hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Hebrews 3:13). In other words, we won’t believe the lie that the bitterness is just something we will always have to live with.

Building up “the ex” may be very difficult to do in some cases. Ask God to show you positive things about the natural parent. Perhaps they financially support their children or are faithful to remember important days in a child’s life. Maybe they are making positive changes in their lives.

Pray and forgive the natural parent (Psalm 35:12-14, Exodus 23:4-5, Proverbs 24:17, Proverbs 24:29, Proverbs 25:21, 2 Corinthians 2:5-11, Matthew 6:14-15)

I know many people are hurting and have not forgiven the other parent. Even though that person may continue to be a thorn in your side (Psalm 35:12-14), God has commanded you to forgive them, or you will not be forgiven. (Matthew 6:14-15) If you have not done this before getting married, you are just bringing all the old baggage into this new relationship. All the leftover emotion will in turn affect your marriage.

Resist the idea to respond in revenge. “Do not say, ‘I’ll do to him as he has done to me; I’ll pay that man back for what he did.’” (Proverbs 24:29) Instead, begin to pray for them. When you pray for someone, it becomes increasingly difficult to hold on to those feelings of hate, hurt, and bitterness.

Pray for:

1. Their salvation if they are not saved.

2. For their new spouse and/or family if they are remarried.

3. For their relationship with the children.

4. Forgiveness and reconciliation in your relationship with them

If things turn sour between the natural parent and the children, do your best to restore the relationship. "If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, be sure to take it back to him. If you see the donkey of someone who hates you fallen down under its load, do not leave it there; be sure you help him with it.” (Exodus 23:4-5) If you find yourself enjoying the fact that the other parent is having difficulties, confess it and check your attitude (Proverbs 24:17).

So, where do you fit in? As a stepparent, keep your focus simple and pure:

1. Love your spouse; model God’s love and provide him/her with the security that you are not going anywhere.

2. Love the children as your own.

3. Raise them in a Christian home; share and model Christ for them.

4. Help provide for the children’s physical needs

5. Provide a safe environment

Your goal should not be to replace their natural parent. Over time, a child may welcome you into their lives as “Dad or Mom”, but that is their choice, not yours.

Finally, keep your expectations realistic. Life is not “The Brady Bunch” or any other Hollywood scenario. Most days in a blended family will not be neatly wrapped up and tied with a bow. The most spectacular reality, though, is that God is still sovereign over it all. He is “the author and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2) and of our families.

Having "the talk" with girls about romance

Hardly a day goes by that I don't see research or yet another article reminding me to talk to my teenager about sex.

I have yet to see an article suggesting I talk to my daughter about romance.

When I was her age (13), I was not very interested in sex. But I was definitely interested in romance. My mind played a thousand scenarios a day of various boyfriends. They would say the sweetest things to me, look lovingly into my eyes, and hold me in just the right way. These imaginary lovers never pressured me to have sex. They just LOVED me. And let's face it, that's what most females want: to be loved.

My desire to be loved was only fueled by soap operas (daytime and nighttime) and romance novels. My own mother never saw anything wrong with these things; she indulged in them herself. Maybe they weren't dangerous for her. But they drove me into a fantasy world where no real-life man could compete. I began to set expectations that were unrealistic, without even realizing it.

I can honestly say, those mind games were a large factor in ruining my first marriage, which happened at a young age. Eventually, I grew up and learned what was real, but I still grieved for that which might never be.

So I am here today to tell you, before you ever have the sex talk with your daughter, have the romance talk first. If you watch romantic movies or shows together, help her distinguish between what is realistic and what is not. Help her understand what men are really like, putting aside any personal vendettas. Show her what she should expect realistically, and what is merely fantasy.

Someday, you'll still need to have the sex talk. But this will go a long way for now.

Girls more likely to use alcohol/drugs to cope

"She's so moody! Must be hormones." I hear this a lot from parents of teen girls. Yes, young ladies can be all over the map emotionally, but there is usually more to the story than a raging case of PMS. Coming of age is a bit like standing at the edge of a cliff on your tiptoes; one stiff wind and you don't know which way you might be blown. Girls need parents standing between them and that cliff. And this latest research cautions us to be more vigilant than ever.

I'll post the links below, but here's the summation: teenage girls are more likely than teenage boys to perceive potential benefits from drug use and drinking, making teen girls more vulnerable to drug and alcohol abuse. More than two-thirds of teen girls responded positively to the question “using drugs helps kids deal with problems at home” and more than half reported that drugs help teens forget their troubles. Stress has been identified as a key factor leading to drinking, smoking and drug use among girls and more than three times as many young girls as boys reported having symptoms of depression in 2008.

"We've become a society that basically says, 'If things aren't perfect in your life, take a pill,' " says Calvina Fay, executive director of the Drug Free America Foundation. "This causes our young people to see drugs as an answer."

“Parents of teen girls have to be especially attentive to their daughters’ moods and mental health needs, which can have a direct effect on their child’s decision to risk her health by getting high and drinking,” said Partnership for a Drug-Free America President and CEO Steve Pasierb. “Parents can help prevent alcohol and drug abuse by recognizing and addressing their daughters’ worries and stresses, by supporting her positive decisions and by taking immediate action if they suspect or know she has been experimenting with drugs and alcohol.”

Here's what you can do:

1) Spend time with your daughter. The more you get to know her, the more in tune you will be with her moods and emotions.

2) Teach her how to handle emotionally-charged situations in a way that honors God. Moms, that means setting a good example!

3) Pray together during those highly moody times. This teaches her to give it to God. Remind her that emotions are temporary and not always accurate indicators of truth.

4) Have an ongoing conversation at your house about the rules and consequences of drug/alcohol use. This should include talking about how dangerous it can be to use drugs or alcohol as an escape from problems.

5) Ask God daily to protect your daughter from temptations.

Teen girls say kids more likely to drink, do drugs to cope

National Study: New Data Show Teen Girls More Likely to See Benefits in Drug and Alcohol Use

Redeeming the influence of Grandma

“For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.” Colossians 2:9-10

Summer has a way of stirring up childhood memories for me, as if the piercing sunlight illuminates those pockets of recollection.

The cool and bright morning today found me recalling many wonderful summer weeks spent with my grandmother. My grandma was not your typical grandma. She was feisty, fun, and full of life.

No one could make me laugh like Grandma Jess. I can still hear her throaty laugh, often accompanied by a coughing fit (that’s what half a century of smoking will do to you). She couldn’t wait to get the grandkids without their parents so she could show us a good time. All the things we not allowed to do at home, Grandma made sure we got to do at her house. In order to spare my mother, I won’t list them all here...though I suspect she knows anyway!

You see, I grew up in a fairly strict Christian home. Grandma, though I know she believed in God, did not buy into religion or moral law. She was a rule breaker. She grew up in the rural Midwest on a farm. She married young, and she and Grandpa both partied hard. Smoking, drinking, swearing, fighting and cheating. This was in the 1920’s and 1930’s, when such behavior was considered quite scandalous.

Grandma eventually left Grandpa, taking their two children and moving to Omaha. She quit drinking but still lived a pretty wild life for awhile. Years later, she married a military man and lived in several places around the world, but ended up settled back in Omaha.

Her past shaped her into a tough woman, and most people were afraid to cross her. But as fierce as her temper could be, her love was just as intense. You always knew Grandma loved you. When she talked to you, she was genuinely interested in your life, your hopes and dreams. She gave fervent hugs; to this day, I still associate the smells of Tabu and cigarette smoke with being held in her arms.

Until her health declined, she still knew how to have a good time. She could find humor in almost anything, usually by making fun of it. I remember going for walks or laying in bed at night, and all we did was laugh.

Looking back now, I’m somewhat amazed my parents even allowed me to hang out with her. Let’s face it, she wasn’t exactly a godly influence! But I’m so glad they did, because I’m pretty sure she cultivated some good character traits in me. I believe my ability to connect with teenagers grew out of my relationship with Grandma. I think I learned to love people in spite of their bad behavior through knowing Grandma. And I know without a doubt that she taught me how to loosen up and have fun.

Reflecting on all of this reminds me that I don’t have to be so protective of my children. God redeemed what appeared to be profane and turned it into something beautiful. He did it in my life, and He can do it in my children’s lives too.

Sex Talk: I Agree With Kim Cattrall?

I agree with Kim Cattrall. There's a statement I never thought I'd make. Even more surprising, I agree with something she said about sex.

In an interview with the Telegraph, the actress reportedly said that her show "Sex And The City" helps parents find a way to broach the topic of sex with their teenagers. And I agree.

Now before you get upset and send me hate mail, let me explain. I'm not suggesting you encourage your teens to watch SATC just so you can have a conversation about sex. However, let's face it, many of them have seen the show and/or the movies. If your teen has, it is indeed a great way to open up the topic of sex. In particular, it's a great way to illustrate the pitfalls of not following God's plan in the area of sexuality. The women of SATC have been pursuing a lifestyle of casual, unmarried sex for...how many years? And where has it gotten them? Most of the time they are miserable and angst-ridden, and that depiction is at least true-to-life.

Shows like SATC can actually open dialogue about ways to deal with living counter to the secular world. Most Christian teens want to be "in the world, not of it," but we can never assume they know how to do that.

As Christians, we spend an awful lot of time complaining about the culture. I say it's time we use it to our advantage.

How dads show their love - and how they can do it better

I'll never forget my first car - a yellow Volkswagen bug without working heat. I got it in college (yes, that's right, in the days when turning 16 didn't mean you were entitled to receive a car!). It wasn't much, but it got me from point A to point B.

After I got the car, every time I would call home, I got frustrated with my dad because all he wanted to talk about was the car. He wanted to know if it was running ok, if I had changed the oil and checked the tire pressure, and if I had shopped around for the best insurance. I began to think he cared more about the car than he did about me!

Years later, someone explained to me that this is one way fathers express their love for their children. When a dad asks about your car, he's really saying, "I love you and want to make sure you are safe and taken care of."

After reading the article below, I believe this is another way dads express their love - through teaching. Dads love to share their wisdom and their greatest parenting successes are often wrapped up in a skill they've taught their child.

Just like I got frustrated with my dad, many kids get frustrated over being "taught" by their fathers. They don't understand the love behind the action, and they desire to be loved for who they are, not who they might become.

If any teens are reading this, I hope you will give your dads a huge dose of grace by realizing their actions are motivated by love. Dads, you are important and needed, and I hope this article helps you focus on enjoying your child, just as he or she is.

Does Everything Have to Be a Learning Experience?

How to protect your kids from revealing their location on social networks

Locational Apps: Tips for Parents

Helping our daughters discern the truth about beauty

A great friend sent me the link to this fabulous blog post entitled, "Who Is the Beholder of Your Beauty?"

Those of us with daughters are constantly battling society's messages in regards to physical beauty, and it is so important to help our girls grow up with a God-centered view of themselves. The author eloquently points her daughter in the right direction, while rightly admitting how difficult that can be in the light of self-examination!

Social networks that are not for kids

Just came across this excellent link to Common Sense Media's review of some newer social networks that present a potential danger to teens and pre-teens.

From the article:

"New programs called social mapping applications use geographic information to connect people to specific places, as well as to each other. You may have heard of some of the most popular ones: Loopt, foursquare, and Gowalla. Once you join up, these applications track every movement you make. And that's what makes social mapping a no-go for kids and teens. These programs bring up two big issues: safety and privacy. Since they follow your location, they expose your kid's whereabouts to anyone they "friend" -- or, in some cases, to any other user of the program."

For the full article, click here: Beyond Facebook: Social Networking Gets Really Personal

Consequences of a moral fall...for teens

I am very excited to post an article co-written by my former pastor and good friend, Dr. David Holt. This one is worth printing off for your teens. :)

Consequences of a moral fall … for teens

Dr. David Holt & Lisa Grant

Recently I (David) put Randy Alcorn’s article from an old Leadership magazine titled “Consequences of a Moral Fall” on my blog. In this article, Alcorn gives a long list of possible consequences if he were to have an affair. He said he found it helpful to review this list any time he felt particularly vulnerable or tempted to sin.

After reading my blog, Lisa Grant (who has her own blog for parents of teens) asked if I knew of such a list for teens who struggle with sexual temptation. I told her I did not, but we should come up with one together. Thus, this blog that Lisa and I are writing together.

************************************************************

Every day, teens must manage the transition from childhood impulsivity to adult self-control. Raging hormones and societal or peer pressure only add fuel to the fire in the area of sexual temptation.

When I (Lisa) counsel young Christian women, I advise them to develop a list of standards before they begin dating. This might include situations to avoid, how far they will go, and how they plan to keep themselves accountable. The list below would be additionally helpful to carry on a date, serving as reminders of the potential fallout of giving in to temptation.

CONSQUENCES OF SEXUAL SIN FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

If I have premarital sex or go too far with someone, here are some possible consequences of that act:

1. Possible pregnancy and all the responsibilities that come with having a child, as well as possibly affecting my future education and career.

2. Experiencing a guilty conscience.

3. Weight of responsibility for causing another to sin.

4. Having a difficult time erasing the sin from my memory. God forgives and forgets my sin, but I will never forget.

5. Developing a “soul tie” (an unhealthy emotional and spiritual attachment) with the person I am intimate with. It’s like giving away a piece of my heart, and I will never get it back.

6. The danger of giving myself to someone who has not made a life-long commitment to me.

7. Probably needing to tell my future spouse at the time of engagement and the embarrassment that comes from this.

8. The possibility of acquiring a sexually transmitted disease, which, if not cured, could be passed on to anyone else I have relations with, including my future spouse. Remember, when I have sex with someone, it is as if I am having sex with everyone they have had sex with.

9. The loss of a special wedding night.

10. Once married, the regret that I was with someone other than my spouse.

11. The poor example and possible cause of hindrance to all my friends who learn about this. There may even be a loss of friendships.

12. Causing disappointment and shame to my parents, as well as loss of trust.

13. Damaging my credibility with younger siblings or others who look up to me.

14. Loss of dignity and regard for self.

15. Most importantly, it will hinder my relationship with God – as all sin does.

Let us be very clear - if you have already fallen into sexual sin, there is forgiveness and healing available through the blood of Jesus Christ. He, and He alone, can cleanse at the deepest level. “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sin and to cleanse of all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). “He who conceals his sin shall not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes it shall find mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

There will still be consequences for your sin, but your relationship with God can be fully restored, and you can be given a fresh start. Often, it is additionally helpful to share your struggle with a trusted friend who can help you through the healing process. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Finally, as you seek to move beyond your sin, remember that you cannot do it in your own power. You need to be filled with the Holy Spirit each and every day if you want to live in obedience to God and resist the many temptations that will come your way.

May God bless you as you remain in the one true love, the love of Jesus Christ.

Confused by teen or pre-teen daughter?

"I just do not understand girls." I hear this mostly from dads, but occasionally moms are also confused by what their daughters are thinking or feeling. And usually with teen or pre-teen girls, it is ALL about what they are feeling!

I came across this great website recently, which is a wonderful resource for anyone with daughters age 8 and up: Discover Your Daughter. This is not a Christian website, but I have not seen anything inappropriate or counter to Christian beliefs on the site. It has great articles for you and for your daughter as well.

For dads, I also highly recommend the book, What I Wish You Knew from American Girl. Moms, a must read is Mom, I Hate My Life by Sharon Hersh.

Finally, I am re-posting below the most requested article from PARENtEEN over the years, "Raising Junior High Girls." It's long, but worth the read!

RAISING JUNIOR HIGH GIRLS

Heather Flies knows junior high girls! Not only was she once one, but she has spent several years working with them as a youth leader and now as a junior high youth pastor. Heather is the junior high youth pastor at Wooddale Church in Eden Prairie, MN. She is also a member of The Core (Youth Specialties) training team.

Here's the transcript of the conversation with Heather...

Talk to us about your history of working with junior high girls.

Actually, my experience with junior high girls started when I was just out of junior high myself. After I had finished the 9th grade, I went up to a camp in northern Minnesota to be a counselor-in-training for the week. It was a camp that I had gone to all of my life, but when I got up there they were short on counselors. Because they knew me, they put me into a cabin with eleven 11-year olds for the entire week. So, there I was, at fourteen, with eleven 11-year olds for a full week. I loved it, and I apparently did a great job and continued to go back there every summer all the way through my college years. During my college years, I was full time there.

It seemed that every time a junior high week rolled around, it was my favorite week of the summer; I just loved junior high girls. I actually went to another church after that experience where I worked with senior high girls and I enjoyed that, too, but what I found was that a lot of the senior high girls had built some walls up around their hearts and were carrying some baggage from decisions made earlier on and they were a little harder to get to than junior high girls. When I came to Wooddale about six years ago and began to work with junior high girls again, my heart slid right into place where it was before, and I have been doing that for the last six years. I just really enjoy it.

How would you best describe junior high girls? What words or phrases would you use?

I think they're definitely sincere, insecure, searching, social, becoming self aware, competitive, exclusive, hungry for affection, energetic, and they're very relational.

During the junior high years, for girls especially, friends are so important - whether through phone conversations, sleepovers, or passing notes between classes. All of my junior high girls love pictures; they bring picture albums with them to our Wednesday night meetings to show everybody, and they have pictures all over their rooms. Sometimes their friends actually define who they are and where they are in their social status. The social piece is so important for junior high girls.

As far as being hungry for affection, I just see that junior high girls want hugs; they want touching. They love it when I braid their hair, they love it when I hug them (and I consider myself a professional hugger, so it's perfect for that!). They love attention, and it's not just the kids who come from a home where that's not given to them. I have one girl in my group who comes from a very solid home where mom and dad both love her and show that love continuously, but every Wednesday and every Sunday she comes to find me for her weekly hug. It's just kind of a standard, and if she doesn't get it, she's pretty upset the next week when she comes to find me. They love to be paid attention to and to have undivided attention from adults; it's really important.

As far as becoming self aware and being insecure...there are so many challenges as a junior high girl and so many changes that are going on inside of them and around them that they just begin to be aware of their insecurities, the ways they struggle, things they're not too confident about, and they begin to take things very personally. Often times that goes hand in hand with the insecurity. If they are ignored by a friend or if a parent reprimands them or something happens in a class setting, they just take it so personally and have a really hard time getting past that insult or harsh word.

Talk about the changes that a girl goes through socially and emotionally from the ages of about eleven to thirteen. Help parents know what to expect.

I minister to seventh through ninth graders, so I get them in those three years where so many changes are going on. I think before we even touch on the social and emotional aspects, we've got to touch on the physical. Between the ages of eleven and thirteen, so many physical changes are happening that are directly related to the emotional and social changes for a girl. Physically, their hips begin to expand, their breasts begin to develop, they start to get taller than the guys in their class, they have hormones running through them, and menstruation starts during that time. So, here they are with all of these things changing in their bodies that are very visible to other people - it's not just internal stuff - and I think because of that a lot of social and emotional changes come out of that.

Socially, some of the girls are developing and being noticed by boys and others are not, so for some girls that's a really crazy thought that a guy is going to notice her because of how she looks. For others, it's a saddening thought wondering why guys don't pay attention to them anymore. Also, I think there is a constant connection with friends and it begins to become very enmeshed. Girls will share every moment of their day with their friends. They will call each other in the morning to find out what they're going to wear and try to match their clothes or not match their clothes. The relationships just become so important in that social aspect.

Emotionally, because of all those chemicals and hormones running through them, sometimes junior high girls can be very irrational, and when you try to have a conversation they surprise you with where they go or how emotional they get. They cry very easily and like I said, they take everything so personally. They often find themselves in extremes; either they're very, very hyper, or they're incredibly down. It can be in a matter of fifteen minutes that that changes! For parents, I understand that it has to be so frustrating, but all of this is really natural and obviously essential for girls to go through.

Talk to dads of junior high girls on the importance of remaining affectionate with their daughters even when it feels awkward. Girls need their dad's affection more than ever at this age, don't they?

That's right; it's so important. Research and my ministry experience show that girls who have steady, close, and affectionate relationships with their dad will then have healthy, steady relationships with guys - whether in friendships or dating relationships in their future. When dads continue affection throughout the life of a girl and especially throughout her adolescent years, he begins to fill her emotional tank, her affection tank. If it doesn't get filled at home, the girls will go other places to get it filled.

Even though it's uncomfortable and a little awkward, I really want to encourage dads that girls need it and even if they don't vocalize it, they want it. If you, as a parent, consistently show that affection to your daughter, that's not going to be something that's rare or something that she's going to need to go out to look for in somebody else.

As far as some practical advice there, I would say to be consistent. If one of your routines with your daughter was to go in and sit with her on her bed at night, continue to do that even when she is an adolescent - even though you might not be sure where to sit, how long to stay in there, or what to talk about. It just provides a consistency that is so important in a time in her life when nothing else seems to be consistent. Be sensitive to her nonverbals and to her verbals. If she pulls away, be sensitive to that and maybe don't hug her in that setting (maybe when friends are around or in a public place). Be sensitive to that.

Also, don't take things personally; this is a very natural developmental stage that your daughter is going through. She's trying to figure out her independence from you, and sometimes she's not sure. Sometimes she wants to crawl on your lap and have you hug her and hold her, and other times she wants you to walk four feet behind her in the mall, so don't take it personally.

The last thing is to take every moment you can get with your daughter; even if it happens late at night when she comes home from being out with friends (and the last thing you want to do is hear about makeup or a boy!). When she comes and jumps on your bed or says, "Hey, can we talk?" drop whatever you're doing because it's so important. There are going to be times where that becomes less and less, and you're going to wish you had taken the time to listen.

A lot of parents struggle with how to stay close to their junior higher because she strongly desires to be with her friends and not with her family. What can a parent do to stay connected with their junior high daughter when she's got her eyes pointed outward?

Understand that it's natural that she wants to be with her friends, and don't take it personally. Be involved in her activities outside of the home whether it be the color guard competition, chess club, choir, or cheerleading. It's so important for parents to be religiously involved in her activities outside of the home because it helps her to understand that things that are important to her are also important to her parents.

I also think it is essential for parents to open their home to the friends of their daughter. Girls love to be together and they love to have a place to be together. I remember having other friends who opened their home. I loved to be there. We had a lot of interaction with the parents, and the parents got to know us. I know that sometimes it gets really loud and crazy, and you want them to turn the television down and close the nail polish, but you are going to be so thankful that you had that activity in your home and that you were able to get to know your daughter's friends.

Also, listen during carpool conversations. That's my favorite thing to do when I drive the bus as part of my ministry. I love to listen in on conversations that are going on, because you can get to know a lot about the girls and about their friends through that. Ask questions; I know there are some parents whose kids say they ask too many questions, but when you ask questions you're showing that you care and that you want to be involved.

I would reiterate again to be available when the girls want to talk. I have one girl in my ministry whose name is Krista, and she loves to talk. Sometimes when she talks, I'm not quite sure what she's talking about, but I listen. I give her my attention, because I know that someday she's going to come with something that's going to be hard to talk about. She's going to want to know that I'm going to listen to her.

Staying connected with your daughter also means explaining that freedom is a privilege and is given when kids are responsible and consistent in their behavior. I think it's important to set consistent family times where your family is together. Take the time to explain the importance of that to your daughter. Make those times fun so that your daughter wants to be there. I think holding that standard in your family is an important part of the week and an important part of your life together.

What advice can you give to parents on how much to allow and where to draw the line when it comes to their daughters being on the phone and the computer?

In my ministry to families, I've seen a great deal of success when parents use the phone and the e-mail privilege as rewards for homework and chores being done. I think it encourages priorities and it serves as a privilege to the responsible and consistent child. I guess if you have a child who doesn't come home with much homework or the chores get done really quickly, then it would be important to set a time limit whether it's something like three phone conversations per evening or being on the Internet for one hour. Set that boundary because the truth is if no boundaries are set, kids would go until 2:00 a.m. or 3:00 a.m. interacting with people on the phone or via the computer!

I think there's the same idea with sleepovers and outings with friends. If your child handles responsibility well, if they call and tell you they're going to be somewhere, or they're not cranky after a sleepover and they can actually handle the day that's going on, then I think it's a healthy thing and you can allow them to do sleepovers and be out with friends because you're seeing a responsibility there. This really means that parents need to be attentive to the behavior of their child, their child's friends, the movies they're seeing, and so on.

Let me mention the latest trend among junior high and high school students: coed sleepovers. They're a huge rage in our part of the country, and I heard of a situation a couple of months ago where a coed sleepover was going to be happening with some younger high school students. One of the moms called over to the house to just say, "Tell me what's going on and what kind of supervision there's going to be" and the mom of the home said, "You know, you're the only parent that has called out of 40 parents. You're the only one who was intentional enough to ask some questions about what was going to be going on." As a result, she chose not to allow her daughter to go, which I'm very thankful for. As parents, you need to take the time to figure out what your daughter is involved in and make sure that she's being responsible.

The whole idea of a coed sleepover scares me to death as a parent!

It's becoming rampant. It scares me because of the intimacy that is being lost. Kids say to me, "Heather, we're not doing anything physical or sexual," but anybody who is married knows that there is an intimacy that comes out of waking up next to somebody or seeing somebody in their pajamas or having breakfast together. There's an intimacy there, and those kids are experiencing that at age 15. It really saddens my heart.

Talk to parents about how they can successfully navigate their junior high girls through the boy minefield. How should parents deal with girls who are boy crazy?

I would say the first thing is to be open to talk about the idea of relationships and boys. Share your experiences as parents because the truth is, many of your kids don't think you were ever there and don't think that you ever had hormones rage through you or that you ever really liked somebody like they do. Sometimes it means being vulnerable. Some of us adults have stories in our past that we don't want to admit, especially in the arena of relationships and sexual stuff. The truth is, your kids are going to listen more and respect you more when you do share those stories.

When I was in ninth grade, I was dating a guy who was older than me. My mom was not too comfortable talking about sexual stuff, but she took me to McDonald's and as we were eating a cone, she said, "Heather, don't go parking in cars with boys!" That's all she said! I couldn't quite understand what she was getting at, but I said, "Okay."

What I found out later was that my mom struggled with some physical boundaries specifically when she would go in cars with boys when she was in high school. That warning was coming out of a situation from her past. Let's just think of how much more effective that conversation would have been had my mom said, "Heather, when I was your age I really struggled with the physical boundaries when I would go in cars with boys, so I just want to tell you to be really careful and be really smart when you're in a car with a boy."

I think it's huge for parents to be open and vulnerable with their kids. For me, when I'm talking to a junior high girl, and she starts talking about a guy she's crazy about, I bring her back to his character. I do that by asking her, "What are your three favorite nonphysical things about this guy?" Sometimes girls have a really hard time coming up with three nonphysical things because they're so focused on the physical. That can usually lead me into a conversation about if they think this guy is really good for them if they haven't yet discovered his character.

I think it's also important for parents to celebrate the fact that their daughter likes boys, but not to allow it to consume conversation or to consume the home. The truth is, it's really important to this junior high girl; this new relationship is very important, so if we don't acknowledge it, we're really doing a disservice. But if we allow it to consume conversation in the home, then we're also doing a disservice. There has to be a balance there.

I also would say to have reasons for boundaries that you set in the area of boy relationships. With so many parents it's that magical age of sixteen. Once you become sixteen, then you can date. I would encourage parents to have a reason for that, because we all know that our kids don't wake up on the morning of their sixteenth birthday and suddenly they're more responsible and more mature! Some kids are able to handle situations like that at age fourteen, and others should wait until they're eighteen. Parents should really think through things and ask questions like these, "Why do you think you shouldn't be over at his house without his parents there? Why do you think you should have a limited amount of time on the phone with this guy?"

If your daughter likes a guy, invite him to a sporting event with your family, or invite him to come over and hang out. Do this so that you have a chance to see this guy's character, and he has a chance to become involved with your family.

Lastly, I would say that it's so important for you as parents to be aware of the sexual pressures that your daughters are facing. Research shows that oral sex is on the rise among teenagers. Doctors are finding deep throat infections in teenage girls because of all the sexual activity that is going on. I talk all the time with girls in junior high who are experiencing this and are being pressured in this area. Some of them are walking into that temptation and falling to that pressure of oral sex, so it's not enough anymore for parents to have one conversation when their daughter is eight years old about sex; it needs to be a continual conversation, and it needs to include the topic of oral sex because it is a huge issue in junior highs all across America.

What inroads can parents use to successfully connect spiritual truths with their junior high daughters? Talk to us about principles and strategies that you have seen work.

Because girls, junior high girls especially, are so relational, I've found that personal stories and biblical stories are the best way to teach them biblical truths. During one of our love, sex, and dating series last year, I shared a story with my girls about how I liked this guy in college and was so disappointed when he didn't like me back. I found out a couple months later when he was engaged to another girl that he actually slept with his old girlfriend during the time he was engaged to this other girl. What I shared with my girls is that this was not personal rejection, it was for my protection. God was protecting me from a harmful situation.

One of my eighth grade girls came up to me a couple of weeks later and said, "Heather, I remember that story that you told about that guy and how you said it's not personal rejection, it's for my own protection. Last week when my boyfriend broke up with me, I said that to myself over and over and over again." She remembered that because it was connected to a relationship story, so I think that's really important.

Obviously, the biblical stories of Ruth and Esther and Mary, the mother of Jesus, and so many other stories can really relate spiritual truth to junior high girls. I have fun taking social activities and turning them into spiritual discussions for girls who are more into the abstract thinking (that usually happens around the ninth grade). If we're at an amusement park, and we're riding the merry go round or a roller coaster, I'll just throw out something like "how can life be like a merry go round? How can life be like a roller coaster?" They love that kind of stuff, and they'll start talking and interacting about what that's like and you can begin to have a spiritual discussion with them.

Girls love poems, stories, books like Chicken Soup for the Soul, and romance stories, so anytime you can use something like that, it will draw a junior high girl in right away. Then you can apply biblical truth directly to that story, and they will remember it because of that story element.

Parents are waiting too long to have the "sex talk"

A recent study shows more than forty percent of adolescents had intercourse before they ever had a conversation with their parents about sex. A Time Magazine article (link here) comments:

"That trend is troublesome, say experts, since teens who talk to their parents about sex are more likely to delay their first sexual encounter and to practice safe sex when they do become sexually active. And, ironically, despite their apparent dread, kids really want to learn about sex from their parents, according to study after study on the topic."

I know talking to your kids about sex seems awkward and uncomfortable, but because they are exposed to the topic so much in today's culture, it's important to start young and continue the conversation. The article suggests one way to spark discussion is to address a mention of sex or sexuality on a TV show. This gives you the opportunity to teach your kids Biblical values about sex. If you're really stumped about what to say, just ask one simple question: Do you have any questions about sex?

A couple of things caught my attention in the article. Forty percent of girls said they had not talked with their parents about how to refuse sex. This should be at the top of the list for both boys and girls when having discussions about sex. Tell your kids the lines they likely will hear when being pressured to have sex (we've all heard them!), and give them specific ways to respond.

Another aspect highlighted in the article was this: "'A lot of parents think they had a conversation, and the kids don't remember it at all,' says Dr. Karen Soren, director of adolescent medicine at New York Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital. 'Parents sometimes say things more vaguely because they are uncomfortable and they think they've addressed something, but the kids don't hear the topic at all.'" In other words, be specific!

There is one thing Christian parents should be mindful of which the article does not cover. Sex is about more than health and pregnancy (although those are both extremely important!). God created sex to be a beautiful expression of love in marriage. We should strive to emphasize the goodness of it when it is exercised according to God's plan. If kids hear this message above and beyond the "don't do it" message, they will be encouraged to wait.

Advice for grownups

Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been neck deep in youth ministry projects, as well as writing a book with my daughter. For more info about that, check out Kelsey's blog at: The Book

I did want to let you know about an interesting resource that came my way recently. Josh Shipp is a motivational speaker for youth who also has an online advice show for teens. He has been dubbed the "Dear Abby for teens." He just launched a new site with advice for adults who interact with teens: Hey Josh for Grown-Ups

The site includes the 5 mistakes almost everyone makes in communicating with teens, Josh's top 3 secrets for effectively communicating with teens, life lessons from 12 parents, and a place to ask teens anything.

This is not a Christian site, and I do not know anything of Shipp's faith. However, his advice is sound, and there's plenty of insight into the teen mind. It's definitely worth your time.

Shipp is also starring in a new reality TV show, "Jump Shipp", on Halogen on October 24. The show features Shipp as he intervenes in the life of a young adult to help them avoid the dreaded “quarter-life crisis.” By offering them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live out their dreams, Josh shows that quitting or jumping ship isn’t for losers. For a sneak peek, click here: Jump Shipp

Help! My kid wants a tattoo!

Not any of my kids (they are are averse to needles like their mother), but an increasing number of teens want to get a tattoo.

Today my former pastor blogged about guiding a young person through this decision, and his counsel is so wise, I had to share it with you all.

To Tattoo Or Not To Tattoo

What you don't know might hurt them

"My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble." Proverbs 3:21-23 (NIV)

According to Common Sense Media's latest poll (click here), parents are clueless. What else is new?

In addition to not knowing what our kids are texting, we are also ignorant about what they are doing online. We think we know, because we have filters and passwords, but we don't know. They are sharing personal information, setting up social network accounts under false identities, illegally downloading files, and hacking into each other's accounts. And less than half the parents are aware they are doing it.

This is a good reminder to talk to your teens about the importance of integrity online. Many kids do not realize the potential consequences of posting things online. Once something is online, it may be difficult or impossible to delete it. It's also important to get teens thinking about the reliability of what they are seeing and reading on the internet. Help them learn to be discerning and wise.

Encourage your kids to be a positive force online, to shine some light in the darkness. Brainstorm ways for them to show love to others, such as leaving encouraging comments on Facebook pages. And when others spew hatred and make vile comments, help them respond in love.

It's also good to remember that our parents didn't know everything we were doing either. Pray and ask God to reveal anything you need to know about your child. He loves our children even more than we do, and "He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Corinthians 4:5)

Finally, give your teens the opportunity to prove themselves responsible. Spy less, talk more.

Praying for you and your children,

Lisa